DSS making me miserable :(

[miserablestepmum]

I’ve name changed for this. sorry for the length

I live with my DH and my DSS (23), and I’ve reached breaking point. He’s bone idle, works part-time in a shop, spends the rest of his time in his room gaming, often all night so he wakes us up, sleeps all day. His room stinks, hardly ever changes his bedding, leaves dirty dishes/rubbish up there, refuses to help around the house. He won’t even feed the pets when we’re away, we have to get someone in.

He’s been like this for the four years we’ve lived here. My DH tells him off occasionally but never follows through, so there’s zero respect.

The final straw came last week while we were on holiday. I asked him to pick up a parcel from his work , he ignored my messages completely. When we got home I confronted him about ignoring me, then it led to other stuff he doesn't do, he exploded, called me a “fing evil bh” and continued to scream abuse before storming off.

My DH is stuck in the middle, supportive of me but also of his son. He says the only real option is to tell him to leave, but DSS barely works and couldn’t afford it. I don’t want him in the same house as me now, though I feel torn for my DH and because I wouldn’t want this for my own sons, though they have never behaved like this or spoken to me like that.

I’m miserable in my own home. I’m stressed, angry, and uncomfortable. When he’s back from holiday, we plan to sit him down, but I honestly don’t know how to move forward from this because we’ve had this conversation numerous times and he doesn’t change. I need serious help ☹

Your husband is no prize.
It has taken him being impacted to act.
You are sadly very foolish to think you have a decent man there.
You are housing for him and a housekeeper.

For four years he has done nothing at all whilst you were stressed and bore the brunt of his lazy son, to let it go so far as to verbally abuse you.

Now that it might impact him, he has acted.

I feel very sorry for your sons that you have brought such losers into their lives.

Why can't he kick his ADULT son out exactly....

My DH is stuck in the middle, supportive of me but also of his son.

No he's not stuck in the middle. He's firmly on his son's side, not yours because he enables him and doesn't challenge his behaviour or expect his son to take responsibility for his actions.

Act accordingly.

I agree.

This is the first time DH has actually had this conversation with DSS and I've felt confident he's meant it and will follow through with it. I wanted to see if he went out this morning (to the job centre) but I can't check the ring door bell because I turn off the internet this morning 😝

I think you are being very sensible to give your dh this one last chance to step up, and I’m glad to see he seems to be taking it so far.

He’s let his son walk all over him and you. That doesn’t make him a bad person, it makes him a weak person. And we are all sometimes weak in our own ways. It’s often easier to ignore a problem than deal with it.

@miserablestepmumi think your update is really promising. It’s easy to say ‘ what we would do’ and point the finger at what your husband should and shouldn’t do but in reality it’s not that simple or you (or him) wouldn’t be doing this four years later.

Have everything crossed for you.

@miserablestepmum it’s been 10 days since you both told DS the new rules. Has there been an improvement in his behaviour? Has he found a new job yet?

Good morning

Things have improved massively. When I go into the kitchen in the mornings now there’s no sign he’s been in there. His room, which I check regularly when he’s out, has improved too, the bed is made every day, it’s tidy and there’s no pile-up of dishes (just the occasional one). My DH hasn’t had to remind him to empty the dishwasher or bring the bins in either.

My DH has still been on at him daily, but if that’s what it takes to keep things on track, then so be it. I did suggest that after another week, he could maybe check in every few days, but sit down with him at the end of the month to reinforce that this improvement isn’t temporary. It needs to be the new normal going forward. Otherwise, he goes.

His two weeks are up tomorrow, so DH told him last night that they’ll be sitting down tonight to review his progress and discuss job situ. DH wants to see evidence of job apps, he hasn’t secured one but claims he’s been applying, we’ll see. That’s what DH will be asking for proof of. While the household side has improved, the job side still needs to be sorted. Working part-time isn’t enough, and DH will be pushing him on that.

So, hopefully, things are looking up. Finally! Only taken four years !!!

@miserablestepmum I’m so happy for you!!! I wasn’t expecting such a positive update 😊
I hope it continues for you

@YeezyBreezy and @miserablestepmum ditto and such good news :)

Thankyou :)

Thank you :)

Hi, Mumsnetters thank you for all your advice, help, and support.

Can I ask for your thoughts on something? Now that things are changing a bit with my DSS, how would you handle Christmas? I’m the one who usually buys his presents (my DH pays for them), and he always gets lovely gifts because I make the effort — just as I do for his brother and my own sons.

But he hasn’t apologised for speaking to me so horribly and honestly, I’m struggling to see why I should go out of my way for him at Christmas this year and not wanting to to be honest. My plan is to speak to DH and tell him how I feel and that he should be doing his buying this year.

It’s not really in my nature to be like this, but I feel I need to take a stand this time. What would you do?

You absolutely take a stand.

until he apologises to you, and properly, you are doing none of the parenting here. And that includes the nice bits like buying presents.

"you are doing none of the parenting here. And that includes the nice bits like buying presents"

really like that line, which is an easy way to put it over to my DH - thank you :)

Why are so many young men like this now?

They aren’t born that way. What is it about their upbringing that turns them into lazy unambitious antisocial slackers?

Crap parenting. Your dh and his ex have somehow raised dss to think his behaviour is acceptable.

But then people think I am awful because my 4 dc have made their own pack lunches, changed their beds, hoovered and dusted etc as well as put a wash on and sorted dishwasher from age of 7. I’ll be honest 3 of my dc are boys and I never want a future dil or sil to hate me because my sons grew up into clueless adults.

My feeling is that he has been completely molliecoddled by his mum and DH continues to do it. Did have a couple of private giggles this week, watching him trying to put up an ironing board, and then attempting to make gravy after DH asked him to. Pitiful.

Referring to my own post here, OP! X

Oh and op, if your dss still hasn’t apologised for the way he spoke to you then that just gives the impression he is only changing his ways for a time to keep you and his dad on side and will slowly start to slip again because he think he will have done enough. Absolutely do not be responsible for his Christmas presents.

We were taught to do housework, cook and be tidy/respectful from a young age, too.

I wonder when people stopped teaching their kids this? Mine set the table, clear up after dinner, put the bins out etc - there’s no moaning about it, it’s just a household is run to them. In my 26 years of parenting I have lost count of number of kids who have come to mine to play with bad manners, get up from the table before anyone has finished, leave rubbish or glasses on the floor etc and look at me completely bog eyed when I tell them to pick up after themselves. All these dss posts and dh posts will have started as these kids.

Exactly. This shit can be traced back to the earliest years. It’s abysmal, reprehensible parenting.

We were “helping” dust, set the table, load dishwasher, make bed, fold laundry etc from age 4, ffs.

@miserablestepmumI would just be honest with your DH (he has been receptive so far) and tell him that given the way your DSS spoke to you he will be ‘doing’ Christmas this year.
He should apologise. And think it’s the right thing to do, not because he wants good gifts!

My DSS would be the same, he wouldn't even know where the ironing board was and he definitely wouldn't attempt gravy!