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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSS making me miserable :(

193 replies

miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 12:40

I’ve name changed for this. sorry for the length

I live with my DH and my DSS (23), and I’ve reached breaking point. He’s bone idle, works part-time in a shop, spends the rest of his time in his room gaming, often all night so he wakes us up, sleeps all day. His room stinks, hardly ever changes his bedding, leaves dirty dishes/rubbish up there, refuses to help around the house. He won’t even feed the pets when we’re away, we have to get someone in.

He’s been like this for the four years we’ve lived here. My DH tells him off occasionally but never follows through, so there’s zero respect.

The final straw came last week while we were on holiday. I asked him to pick up a parcel from his work , he ignored my messages completely. When we got home I confronted him about ignoring me, then it led to other stuff he doesn't do, he exploded, called me a “fing evil bh” and continued to scream abuse before storming off.

My DH is stuck in the middle, supportive of me but also of his son. He says the only real option is to tell him to leave, but DSS barely works and couldn’t afford it. I don’t want him in the same house as me now, though I feel torn for my DH and because I wouldn’t want this for my own sons, though they have never behaved like this or spoken to me like that.

I’m miserable in my own home. I’m stressed, angry, and uncomfortable. When he’s back from holiday, we plan to sit him down, but I honestly don’t know how to move forward from this because we’ve had this conversation numerous times and he doesn’t change. I need serious help ☹

OP posts:
IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 15/10/2025 15:09

What is the situation with his mum?

Silverbirchleaf · 15/10/2025 15:15

I’ve a feeling he won’t meet the deadline to move out. He doesn’t seem very proactive in doing things, so have a plan B ready.

Also, don’t agree to be a guarantor, as you/dh will end up paying his rent when he defaults (which I can see happening). Alternatively , he will move back home when he gets kicked out for not paying rent (have plan c ready).

If he has a part time job, does he earn enough to move out? Look on spare rooms.com for room prices in your area.

Original poster
miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 15:42

TomatoSandwiches · 15/10/2025 15:02

So has your DH and his son gone on holiday?

No DSS has gone with his brother

OP posts:
Original poster
miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 15:45

IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 15/10/2025 15:09

What is the situation with his mum?

She moved out when he was 16, she let him live in his room gaming, didn't teach him to cook or clean or anything really, she's not bothered about seeing him now either. He's been with DH on his own since.

OP posts:
Original poster
miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 15:47

Silverbirchleaf · 15/10/2025 15:15

I’ve a feeling he won’t meet the deadline to move out. He doesn’t seem very proactive in doing things, so have a plan B ready.

Also, don’t agree to be a guarantor, as you/dh will end up paying his rent when he defaults (which I can see happening). Alternatively , he will move back home when he gets kicked out for not paying rent (have plan c ready).

If he has a part time job, does he earn enough to move out? Look on spare rooms.com for room prices in your area.

I agree he won't meet the deadline. DH has told me he will support him to move out for say 3 months then he's on his own, he needs a full time job and to stop gambling, get a house share or go to his brothers.

I definitely won't be a gaurantor, I'm not parting with any money for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 15:50

I would say I've always been really good to him, more so because his mum hasn't been there for him. As much as he's taken the piss, he lives in a lovely home, I've got him his job, sorted his first car/insurance out with DH, he eats well and has lovely social family times. But after his behaviour the other night I'm done, it shows what he thinks of me and that what I've done for him counts for nothing.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 15/10/2025 16:09

@miserablestepmum you're right, you've treated him very kindly and supported him enough and he has shown no thanks or respect. Personally I would put the house up for sale now and move forward planning to live alone, that's the only way you'll get rid of this man-child.

Pemba · 15/10/2025 16:24

Some 24 year old men are responsible for families of their own.

Your SS needs to grow up a bit and at least show basic manners and consideration for you and your DP.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 15/10/2025 17:01

Your DH cannot seriously be suggesting that you continue to live in the same house as a 24 year old man who would abuse you like that. Can he not see how intimidating and inappropriate that is?

I agree with previous posters who say the relationship can’t be saved. If he makes his son move out, your DH will resent you. Unless your DSS has a complete personality transplant, he won’t actually manage his own life outside your home anyway. Your DH will be stuck supporting him financially (while blaming you for this) or he’ll boomerang back to your place within 6 months.

Meanwhile, you have lost respect for your DH due to his inadequate parenting, his lack of support for you, and his ineffective handling of this situation. Love can sometimes be rekindled but respect doesn’t really work that way. Once it’s gone, it’s gone

PoppyFleur · 15/10/2025 17:44

Oh OP I really feel for you. Unfortunately, and as others have said, your DH is the issue, he has failed to parent his son. This 24 year old feels invincible to say and do whatever he wants, secure in the knowledge that his dad will back him up.

There is no easy answer, I don’t think an ultimatum would work because the son knows his father would fail to carry out any punitive actions. Instead I would tell the son he needs to immediately find alternative accommodation and depending on how he behaves going forward he may be permitted to return to the home for an agreed period of time (to save up for a deposit etc). He has had enough warnings, and prioritised a holiday over resolving this issue, he needs to leave. If your partner can’t let go then he also leaves. Your safety is paramount.

ldnmusic87 · 15/10/2025 17:44

Your DH doesn't sounds like he's been a good Dad, and this is the result.

I would start making plans to move out, and start a new, happier life.

Mischance · 16/10/2025 11:19

Give him his marching orders. He needs to live as an adult.
Your OH should be onside with this. He cannot allow SS to speak to you like this.
Time to be firm ... out he goes ....

RosaMundi27 · 16/10/2025 11:46

While he's away clean the room and take the door off its hinges and store in the attic. Tell him he has to earn it back. Also - tell him the Jan. deadline is real and will be enforced. Be prepared for meltdowns, acting out, and undermining from husband.
Good luck.

MinnieCauldwell · 16/10/2025 17:41

His behaviour towards you is actually abusive - you are being abused by a fully grown man. In your own home. I feel fucking angry on your behalf. He will go on to treat future partners in exactly the same way.

MaggiesShadow · 16/10/2025 17:57

miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 14:53

Wow, this is a really good point thank you.

No, I'm not willing to carry on now. I have put up with his behaviour for four years, I actually walked out the other night when it all happened, so I think my DH realises the seriousness and that I'm done if it doesn't improve.

However the more I read what you've all said I think the outcome here is that he gets a deadline to move out in the new year, I can't see myself living with him now after the things he said to me.

Show quote history

I know it can be hard to hear but I really do fear this is the reality of your situation. I'm glad that you're confident in your dh's ability to do the right thing for you, and maybe I'm just too cynical but if I was in your position, I'd be planning for an exit, to be honest.

People rarely change and that's his son so as much as he might say he'll support the change, perhaps even mean it at the time, there's a chance that when it comes to crunch time, he'll revert to type. And you deserve better than that.

NikkiPotnick · 16/10/2025 18:07

If I chose to stay in this relationship, I would do so on the assumption that we'd be housing DSS for the foreseeable. Nothing you've written suggests that either he or DH is going to change.

Frankenbetty · 16/10/2025 21:42

Leave them to it…get your equity and leave

afianceeatlast · 16/10/2025 22:56

He can kick him out he’s a bloody adult not a child!

Original poster
miserablestepmum · 17/10/2025 11:08

I’m going to text him before he leaves his holiday and tell him he’s not welcome to come back. Saying after the way he’s behaved and spoken to me, he’s no longer welcome here. He can either stay with his mum (where he’s currently holidaying) or go to his brother’s.

That way, he’ll know I’m serious.

I know DH will not be happy with this.

I do agree he won't change, we’ve had this same conversation too many times before and it falls on deaf ears and that's whay I'll be saying to DH.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 17/10/2025 11:30

miserablestepmum · 17/10/2025 11:08

I’m going to text him before he leaves his holiday and tell him he’s not welcome to come back. Saying after the way he’s behaved and spoken to me, he’s no longer welcome here. He can either stay with his mum (where he’s currently holidaying) or go to his brother’s.

That way, he’ll know I’m serious.

I know DH will not be happy with this.

I do agree he won't change, we’ve had this same conversation too many times before and it falls on deaf ears and that's whay I'll be saying to DH.

I don’t blame you at all. Enough is enough. I assume he hasn’t apologised at all for his behaviour the other night?
If your husband doesn’t like it then he can move out with him as well!

ForgetTheTomatoes · 17/10/2025 12:05

He clearly has other options of places to go ie his brother's. My friend did this with her own son, he was taking the absolute piss and stomped off to his sister's and his Mum told him he could stay there. His sister said he was ungrateful and lazy, expected to live there on the same token rent rate as at home which included all his food etc. His sister said no you can pay 1/3 of the bills as she was living with her husband and buy your own food. He then stomped off to his cousin's which was an even worse deal financially. He did return home with his tail between his legs but it turned everything around as he realised he was burning bridges.

Your Dh is doing his son no favours by continually letting him live this way and should have torn strips off him for talking to you like that. I agree that he should not come back. This is the moment to seize, he is not to come back. Change to locks. Plenty of videos on Youtube of how to change the barrel. Have a look.

Original poster
miserablestepmum · 17/10/2025 12:25

rainbowstardrops · 17/10/2025 11:30

I don’t blame you at all. Enough is enough. I assume he hasn’t apologised at all for his behaviour the other night?
If your husband doesn’t like it then he can move out with him as well!

Show quote history

You're right, he hasn't apologised no.

Well he'll have two choices won't he!

OP posts:
Original poster
miserablestepmum · 17/10/2025 12:28

ForgetTheTomatoes · 17/10/2025 12:05

He clearly has other options of places to go ie his brother's. My friend did this with her own son, he was taking the absolute piss and stomped off to his sister's and his Mum told him he could stay there. His sister said he was ungrateful and lazy, expected to live there on the same token rent rate as at home which included all his food etc. His sister said no you can pay 1/3 of the bills as she was living with her husband and buy your own food. He then stomped off to his cousin's which was an even worse deal financially. He did return home with his tail between his legs but it turned everything around as he realised he was burning bridges.

Your Dh is doing his son no favours by continually letting him live this way and should have torn strips off him for talking to you like that. I agree that he should not come back. This is the moment to seize, he is not to come back. Change to locks. Plenty of videos on Youtube of how to change the barrel. Have a look.

This is great to hear, I am hoping this is what will happen. He won't be happy, he loves his home comforts (so would I if I were him) he'll be in for a shock. But this is the time to do this, I won't get another opportunity.

I don't need to change the locks, he's not taken his keys with him, they're here and he won't be getting them.

OP posts:
MrsMcGarry · 17/10/2025 12:45

I was in a similar situation, though DSS's time here was short as he is in the army and so just back on training break.

The home we live was mainly funded by me, and we deliberately designed it with 3 "spare" rooms so all 3 of our kids could come and live with us if they needed. My 21 yo son does atm whilst looking of a proper job post uni - is working in a supermarket in meantime and doing online course, and cooks at least once a week, empties and loads the dishwasher, and helps walk the dog and look after him when we are away.

DSS is not a nice person - has racist and entitled attitudes that neither his father or I share (though his mother does). When he was here he made mess, left his stuff EVERYWHERE, helped himself to food in the fridge without asking (I'd told him it was fine to eat leftovers and staples and to add stuff to online shopping list, but ffs , if there are 4 of us in the house and 4 steaks in the fridge don't decide you are going to eat 2 of them for lunch)

I absolutely blame DH's crap parenting over the years (and his mother's, but I'm not married to her, and DH should have stepped up if she couldn't /wouldn't). But he did step up when his son was vile to me when I complained about the steaks - DSS was leaving in 2 days anyway so we didn't throw him out, but DH sat him down and gave him long lecture about his attitude and life choices and told him he was not welcome back here unless he could respect our home and me.

That's what you need your DH to do - and if he won't you need to leave him, because it won't get better by itself.

Original poster
miserablestepmum · 17/10/2025 14:14

MrsMcGarry · 17/10/2025 12:45

I was in a similar situation, though DSS's time here was short as he is in the army and so just back on training break.

The home we live was mainly funded by me, and we deliberately designed it with 3 "spare" rooms so all 3 of our kids could come and live with us if they needed. My 21 yo son does atm whilst looking of a proper job post uni - is working in a supermarket in meantime and doing online course, and cooks at least once a week, empties and loads the dishwasher, and helps walk the dog and look after him when we are away.

DSS is not a nice person - has racist and entitled attitudes that neither his father or I share (though his mother does). When he was here he made mess, left his stuff EVERYWHERE, helped himself to food in the fridge without asking (I'd told him it was fine to eat leftovers and staples and to add stuff to online shopping list, but ffs , if there are 4 of us in the house and 4 steaks in the fridge don't decide you are going to eat 2 of them for lunch)

I absolutely blame DH's crap parenting over the years (and his mother's, but I'm not married to her, and DH should have stepped up if she couldn't /wouldn't). But he did step up when his son was vile to me when I complained about the steaks - DSS was leaving in 2 days anyway so we didn't throw him out, but DH sat him down and gave him long lecture about his attitude and life choices and told him he was not welcome back here unless he could respect our home and me.

That's what you need your DH to do - and if he won't you need to leave him, because it won't get better by itself.

Thanks, I am glad you didn't have this on a permanent basis, he sounds awful.

I am same, I blame DH's crap parenting, he's scared of upsetting him and not being liked, but it's ok for me to not be liked! He's sat him down so many times and had the chat, but doesn't keep on top of him so he doesn't change.

DH knows I'm at the end of my tether now due to his son's abuse. This is the only way to deal with it, if I let him back he will not chand and I will be uncomfortable in my own home.

OP posts: