DSS making me miserable :(

[miserablestepmum]

I’ve name changed for this. sorry for the length

I live with my DH and my DSS (23), and I’ve reached breaking point. He’s bone idle, works part-time in a shop, spends the rest of his time in his room gaming, often all night so he wakes us up, sleeps all day. His room stinks, hardly ever changes his bedding, leaves dirty dishes/rubbish up there, refuses to help around the house. He won’t even feed the pets when we’re away, we have to get someone in.

He’s been like this for the four years we’ve lived here. My DH tells him off occasionally but never follows through, so there’s zero respect.

The final straw came last week while we were on holiday. I asked him to pick up a parcel from his work , he ignored my messages completely. When we got home I confronted him about ignoring me, then it led to other stuff he doesn't do, he exploded, called me a “fing evil bh” and continued to scream abuse before storming off.

My DH is stuck in the middle, supportive of me but also of his son. He says the only real option is to tell him to leave, but DSS barely works and couldn’t afford it. I don’t want him in the same house as me now, though I feel torn for my DH and because I wouldn’t want this for my own sons, though they have never behaved like this or spoken to me like that.

I’m miserable in my own home. I’m stressed, angry, and uncomfortable. When he’s back from holiday, we plan to sit him down, but I honestly don’t know how to move forward from this because we’ve had this conversation numerous times and he doesn’t change. I need serious help ☹

It's consequences isn't it.

I do feel really bad for DH because he sees how fab my son is (I know I would say that, but he genuinely is a considerate human being) and knows he went wrong. Part of that was his ex-wife not liking him being overly involved in parenting (though I have told him that is a crap excuse - he didn't have to take the easy option and watch her overindulge their son) but the big difference between them our children seems to be that I gave my kids appropriate consequences from a very early age, whereas they tended to shout at him and then indulge him because they felt guilty for shouting. So he ignores anyone admonishing him because he knows there won't be carry through.

Post steakgate I didn't make him dinner the next night - and he was visibly shocked. Came downstairs as we three were eating and said "Oh I didn't realise food was ready" and I just said "It's not, I don't cook for people who swear at me" and proceeded to ignore him the way he had ignored me all day. It was both satisfying (because I can be a petty bitch) and really telling that he just didn't know how to react to someone calmly setting boundaries.

I think texting him is perfect - it doesn't cause an argument, he has other options, and it sets the boundary that you will not be treated like this without drama

I feel for you OP, but the bottom line you have been as much a part of the problem as your husband.

Why would you have tolerated this?
I wouldn't tolerate it from my son, why would you tolerate it from someone who is not yours?

How can you find such a lazy selfish shit father attractive?

He has utterly failed his son and allowed him to abuse you.

Father and son are both wasters.
Better you tell them both to leave, sell the house and move on.

You have wasted enough time on this loser.
His son is a gambling addict, you have a lifetime of bullshit ahead of you with both father and son.

Neither have an ounce of respect for you and think you are a mug.

Apologies if that is harsh, but if you had respect for yourself, you wouldn't have tolerated this for a minute.

No man is worth such drama in your life.
They are both losers.

In answer to some of that I feel I’ve brought my sons up to respect me and all the rest of what a good mother entails and I don’t feel I should have to do that with his son, that’s his job.

I will admit that since this happened, I’ve really struggled to look at my DH in the same way.

I’ve got to have the difficult conversation with him tomorrow that I don’t want his son back here and he’s just not going to accept that and I don’t know where we then go from there.

Even more reason not to tolerate this.
You have reared your own boys, you know that this is just lazy selfish parenting.
He couldn't really love you and allow this behaviour to continue.
You deserve better than this.

Remember that if you put down 60% cash for the house in the beginning and you go 50/50 on the mortgage repayments for the remaining 40% of the house, then you effectively own 80% of the equity. You nearly own that home all by yourself and therefore you have a much bigger say in how things go in that house than your husband does so don’t let him bully you into keeping his son. He only has a 20% say, not 50% and he ought to be reminded of that if he tries to ‘put his foot down’ as your foot is actually much bigger than his. If he can’t accept that it’s your house more than his and what you say goes you either buy him out or sell and give him his 20% back. He doesn’t get to push you around on this, he will be the one with very little money and no where to live, not you when it comes down to it.

Why are you with a man that let's his son treat you like utter shit?!

He doesn't love you and is a wimp.

That son is going nowhere fast. Better to get out now.

The alternative is him living at yours till he's in his 30's, 40's, 50's.

You see posts like this on here almost every day.

Independence is so much better! And peace in your life above all. It's blessed.

So you own more than your DH - his son leaves now or they both leave would be my decision

Dh is a shit dad, he’s raised an infantilised adult who cannot cook or clean or provide for himself and takes to women horribly. Dh has forced you to choose to put up with the consequences of his shit parenting or step in and do it for him
now you’ve stepped in you are the bad guy to dss whilst dh remains the ‘stuck in the middle’ victim.

I agree with the others, I wouldn't be able to tolerate this from my husband. I would say to him that there is no way on this earth that his son is coming back to the house. If your husband doesn't like it then I would put the house up for sale. Seriously, I couldn't be doing with any of this.

@miserablestepmum how did the chat with your husband go? Did you send the text to your DSS?

Sounds like she was never supported by her husband. I suspect she was pissed off living with 2 ineffectual men.

OP - who do you think your DH will side with (assuming push comes to shove): you or his son?

Divorce. You husband isn't in the middle. He's enabling his son to be a twat and he's bullying you by proxy. He's firmly on his son's side.

I haven't discussed it yet as my sons have been around all weekend. I did dip into it slightly last night, not that his DS wasn't welcome, just the fact things had changed in my head and we'd discuss it and the reaction I got was angry and not happy ... this is not going to be easy with him, anything about his DS he flies off the handle really quickly and becomes unreasonable, can't speak to him.

He admits that his son is lazy and useless (his words), but I just know he won’t agree to him not being allowed back. He’s said he’ll give him until Christmas, and if nothing changes, meaning he hasn’t got a full-time job or started helping around the house, then he’ll have to go. But I know that won’t happen. He’s been saying the same thing for the past four years, and nothing has ever changed.

Honestly, I just don’t know how I’m going to enforce this.

He gets angry to shut you down.
And its effective.
This is abuse.
Both he and his son are controlling you and the house with anger and abuse of you.

He doesn't get to decide.
Get the house valued.
Tell him the house is up for sale and his son is not returning.
Involve the police if necessary.

This is a toxic abusive relationship that will not change.
This is your life for as long as you accept being abused by them both.

Your husband is the issue here.

I would definitely agree with this. The minute I mention something about his son he flies off the handle.

I don't know how I've put up with it so long if I am honest.

How old are your sons? How do they feel about DSS?

This is absolutely appalling and I agree with all pp that this is a DH problem too.

DSS has been badly parented and enabled to behave like this.

At his age I'd worked from 15, paid for my own driving lessons and car including fuel and insurance, been to university and qualified to work full-time. When I moved home I paid rent to my parents and did the weekly food shop for them.

My teens don't leave their bedrooms untidy and bring all cups and plates down every day- because we would not tolerate not. They all participate in the daily household chores to keep the house ticking over and they all understand that we work hard to pay for things and they also need to earn and contribute.

DH has done DSS absolutely no favours by subsidising his lifestyle. I'd be demanding rent to motivate him taking on more hours and as a way of demonstrating why he can't stay if it's not paid.

Your DH is making you complicit in all of this - the home you majority paid for is being offered focus to this waster, who then gets to abuse you.

He gets angry to shut you down.
And its effective.
This is abuse.
Both he and his son are controlling you and the house with anger and abuse of you.

He does, he can't have a conversation, he has to raise his voice ... I just can't get any sense out of him where his DS is concerned.

You have been focused on his son, but this man is abusive.
You have been conned by him to buy a house and house his waster son.

You need to stop hiding from the truth.
He uses anger to abuse you and shut you down.
Talk to Women's aid.
There is no further use to talk.
Tell him you are done, the house goes up for sale, you are done and his son does not return while the house is sold.

That you will reach our to domestic abuse charities and the police for support.

Coercive control is also a factor here.
He is using anger to coercively control you so his son can live in your house.

Wake up op as things will get worse as you age.

Mine are 23/26. They get on with him but don't have a lot to do with him as he pretty much lives in his room and doesn't really speak to anyone much.

I am the same as you and that's how I've brought my boys up too.

DSS just leaves his pots and plates up there until they pile up, he does pay board, though he doesn't agree with it. It went up last month for the first time in 4 years and I've said it will continue to go up with COL, he disagrees with that too as he has his own stuff to pay for, phone, gambling etc. Joke!

When he went away last week and I checked his room I told my DH he'd left half filled cups up there, cans, rubbish and it was a tip, when I came home he'd tidied it all up. So, even after the issue the night before he went away and knowing how I felt, my DH still went and sorted his room out for him.

I think the fact that he has gone on holiday is an additional issue.

He's got the finances, energy and ability to organise, pack, travel and communicate to facilitate this trip bit not to tidy his room before he goes.

What does his brother think- presumably he's fine with him given they're holidaying together?

The while situation is ridiculous and you're being treated terribly in the middle.

I know you just want his DS gone rather than both of them but I don't think that's possible Op. He'll go on making excuses for his DC for years, you'll end up with a 30 year old whose never worked full time and still behaves like a stroppy teenager. Time to make it clear, either your DSS goes or it's seperation/divorce, if he won't listen put it in writing. I'd get legal advice too incase things get nasty

You know what, I would be open to him coming back if I felt this time things would change but I know they won't, my DH is so weak where his DS is concerned.

If this were me I would be shouting him back downstairs every time to clear the mess he's left, he'd learn then it's not worth it, but my DH does it for him as it's "too much hassle " as his DS will have a strop, this is the issue.