DSS making me miserable :(

[miserablestepmum]

I’ve name changed for this. sorry for the length

I live with my DH and my DSS (23), and I’ve reached breaking point. He’s bone idle, works part-time in a shop, spends the rest of his time in his room gaming, often all night so he wakes us up, sleeps all day. His room stinks, hardly ever changes his bedding, leaves dirty dishes/rubbish up there, refuses to help around the house. He won’t even feed the pets when we’re away, we have to get someone in.

He’s been like this for the four years we’ve lived here. My DH tells him off occasionally but never follows through, so there’s zero respect.

The final straw came last week while we were on holiday. I asked him to pick up a parcel from his work , he ignored my messages completely. When we got home I confronted him about ignoring me, then it led to other stuff he doesn't do, he exploded, called me a “fing evil bh” and continued to scream abuse before storming off.

My DH is stuck in the middle, supportive of me but also of his son. He says the only real option is to tell him to leave, but DSS barely works and couldn’t afford it. I don’t want him in the same house as me now, though I feel torn for my DH and because I wouldn’t want this for my own sons, though they have never behaved like this or spoken to me like that.

I’m miserable in my own home. I’m stressed, angry, and uncomfortable. When he’s back from holiday, we plan to sit him down, but I honestly don’t know how to move forward from this because we’ve had this conversation numerous times and he doesn’t change. I need serious help ☹

I will definitely be doing that. I've also told him not to tell him to apologise to me, I feel that ship's sailed now, I don't want an apology because he's been made to do it.

I’ve decided to have a separate gift-giving time at Christmas just with my boys. Not sure how to navigate this yet, but I don’t want him overshadowing that time.

I can manage being together for the meal, but I don’t want him involved in the gift part of the day. I still feel a lot of resentment toward him, and I think this is the best way.

He can kick out his son. He can explain to his son that there are two options, and only two.

1.) Apologise profusely to his stepmum and from then on act like an adult. This means: Find full time work, sleep at night and be very respectful of others' need for sleep, keep his room tidy and clean and pitch in with keeping the rest of the house and garden in good condition, shop for food and cook for the family a couple of times a week, do laundry and be civil.

Or

2.) He has one month to find alternative accommodation where he can be as obnoxious and slummy as he likes.

His choice. If he is unwilling to behave like an adult then he needs to learn the hard way how to behave by taking on adult responsibility of his own.

@miserablestepmumSS is going to his mums this Christmas, quite a significant distance away.

I agree with some of what you have said here.

With regards my sons, it's not impacted them really, they're adults and have their own lives, so don't come into contact with DSS much at all.

Like I've said in my previous posts, he's been given one month, he's on two weeks now, there's been quite a big changed, but got to see this continue.

Lazy selfish fathers raising lazy selfish sons.
Women tolerate it, and the cycle continues.

@StokePotteries Thanks

Which my DH has done and DSS has stepped up and improved a lot. However, the job front is still not sorted so my DH is on him for that.

This has to continue though, not just be for the month then he reverts back as he feels he's got through the time he was told to sort himself.

Do you think she'd take mine too 😁

Luck you. My DSS won't be going anywhere so I have to tolerate him. It's not great but I will not let it spoil my time with my boys.

I think you should ask your dh to make him say how he would feel in your position. Spell out all you have done for him And ask him exactly what he has contributed to the home situation. I know you don't want an apology but he really does need to give you one. And DH should make that very clear and also that he's very lucky you were too kind to kick him out. And that may well change if he doesn't get a grip

There's no point asking him what he thinks he's contributed because it's nothing.

My DH did spell out all I have done and do for him when he had the chat, he literally listed everything, DSS just sat there, nothing to say.

I'd agree he needs to give me an apology but I don't want it coming because he's been forced or it's because he's worried he's getting kicked out, it needs to be genuine, the way he's been since he did it, there's no way an apology is coming. So I will deal with things based on what I think he feels about me now.

There may come a time when I say to DH, I'm done with it. I really can't stand to be in the same room as DSS now and feel why should I make things nice for him when he's treated me like that, that's not good in my own home.

Sadly, its not unusual. I find it particularly puzzling, as my Dad, my brothers and my DH all joined the armed forces straight from school, but maybe that mindset no longer exists?

Your husband is so awful.
He's a weak selfish man that couldn't care less that his son treated you and your home like the shit on his shoe.
It's gone on for 4 years.
Any woman with an ounce of self esteem wouldn't have tolerated this from her own children, much less some low life dragged up by a lazy man.

He has gotten away with unbelievable disrespect for 4 years and you seriously think one conversation will change that?

He's watched his father be perfectly ok with you being treated badly by him with zero consequences.
He's watched you tolerate it for four years.

He no doubt knows that his father is only shaking the chain a bit because you have after 4 years gotten annoyed.
Only when his housing was threatened did he react.
Not for love or respect of you, for himself and his housing.
Your poor sons are who I feel sorry for.
What must they privately think of you allowing these two low life's treat you like this.
Please wake up to your reality and give your head a wobble.

His own father can’t even be bothered to buy his own children’s gifts?!!! Jeez!!! What a waste of space!! Just tell him he will be buying his own children’s gifts and friends and families from him actually will becoming from him and he makes the effort!

how are things going op?

Hi @miserablestepmum

Just RTFT. You sound great and I wondered how things are?

The thing that baffles me about these lazy adult children and the parents who defend them is that there never seems to be an iota of shame or even embarrassment. I would be mortified to have child like this and to be part of the reason for it happening.

@loopsaloo @MeridianB hi, sorry, only just seen your messages, I’ll update you tomorrow, just off to bed 🙂

Morning, a couple of you asked for an update.

Things at home have continued to improve. Since my DH had a chat with DSS, there’s been a big change, his room and the house are much better, he’s helping more and overall he’s really stepped up, which I’m happy about.

His job situ hasn’t changed, he says he’s looking, not sure if he is, though I’m stopping stressing about that, he pays board and knows it’s increasing in January, if he wants to drift along in a dead end job that he hates, let him.

He still hasn’t apologised for how he spoke to me, so I keep things polite but minimal. I’ve stopped feeling uncomfortable, I don’t know why I should, so it’s a hello and that’s pretty much it, not ideal though.

I’ve also stepped back from buying Christmas presents for him. I told my DH weeks ago I wouldn’t be doing it. I’ll buy for my sons and exchange gifts with them and my DH on our own, anything for DSS is now up to DH.

I know it will impact him as he’s used to lots of presents and a lovely morning opening gifts all together, but I’m no longer putting myself out when he’s treated me the way he has and doesn’t feel he has to apologise.

Thanks for the update

My DH is stuck in the middle, supportive of me but also of his son.

No your husband is not stuck in the middle. He is enabling this behaviour and doing fuck all about it whilst allowing his son to abuse you.

It is an active choice not to confront this and deal with it. He's choosing not to.

If any of my children, step or not, spoke to me like that then they would be out.

I totally get you. We have had so many arguments over this, it's the only thing we tend to fall out about.

@RedToothBrush It is an active choice not to confront this and deal with it. He's choosing not to

I get this and he has confronted him and told him in no uncertain terms he is out of order, the thing is, I don't want my DH to tell his DS to apologise to me, it should come from him because he genuinely feels he should not because he's being told to.

No, you should be getting 60% of the equity. If you put down 60% of the deposit definitely should not be a 50-50 split if you took 10% more risk than he did.
Believe me, he’d be coming back the other way if you were in negative equity and expecting you to take 10% More Debt

I would ask your DH to discuss with his son how he can improve the atmosphere in the home an be’ll discuss it with him at the weekend.

That's a good idea actually.

You are spot on with this.

Otherwise it's a begrudging faux apology rather than a sincere one.

But your DH still has to give the kick up the backside so your DSS gets why he needs to not be a twat.

Am I missing something? Half the posters are telling OP to leave. Why the hell should she...its her house ffs. Yes, she absolutely can (and should) throw DSS out. He's 23. An adult. DH is enabling his behaviour. Once the enabling stops, so will the behaviour