To not want SD coming on these holidays anymore?

[QueenCarmel]

SD is 13. DH and I have been together since she was 5, and we have DD5 and 3. We used to have SD three nights a week but since she started secondary, she’s stopped coming in the week and now rarely at weekends either. We are stricter than her mum on things like homework (she’s behind and it’s rarely done), bedtimes and screen time so she prefers to be at her mum’s house. When she’s here, it’s always under duress and she’s not pleasant to be around. Unfortunately, we have no contact order and have been advised that we are unlikely to get increased time as she’s old enough to decide.

We haven’t seen her since the end of May and she’s ignoring DH’s calls and texts (he has been inviting her here and also to things like the cinema or for a meal with just him). He has just received an email from her mum saying:

”X doesn’t want to come to your house anymore so stop messaging her about it. It’s harassment. She will see you on Saturday if you take her to (nearby city) as she needs new clothes and trainers. She’ll still come on the holidays too.”

The holidays are New York for my sister’s wedding in November and we have been planning a big Caribbean break for next year. I don’t think it’s fair for her to check out of our family entirely except for very expensive holidays.

Sounds like a strained relationship and very difficult when the other parent isnt supporting contact. Those are big and incredibly exciting trips so I worry if you do decide she can't come that will be the end of the relationship. I equally understand the hesitation in bringing a teenager you have a difficult relationship with who doesn't respect your authority. To have a safe and good time they need to do what you say when you say it.

What does your partner want to do?

For me I would do the city shopping trip. Its blackmail so I understand why you dont want to but I would try and make it a wholely positive trip to draw a line under it all. Have it a 1 on 1 with the dad. Reassure her she is so loved and very wanted at your house but these are your rules and they are non negotiable so respecting those, what would make her feel more comfortable.

Before the trips we need to be able to work at a team so let's make a plan for how we can see eachother in the lead up? It doesn't have to be all weekend, could be dinners, could be a single night.

We haven’t discussed it properly yet but he will probably do whatever she says to maintain contact.

The thought of the wedding is particularly stressful as I’m in the wedding party so DH will need to be looking after the little ones. At the moment, SD is very argumentative and prone to sneaking off and I don’t want any drama overshadowing the wedding. I also wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her in a hotel room alone.

For me I would do the city shopping trip. Its blackmail so I understand why you dont want to but I would try and make it a wholely positive trip to draw a line under it all.

I hope you’re not suggesting the OP spends any money on her?

You may feel it is not fair, but are you saying that you would rather just not see her at all? She's 13. You do not get to judge her by the same standards you would judge an adult woman with the benefit of a fully developed brain.

Have empathy for her, recognizing that she is going between two households with different rules and expectations, with younger siblings that are not close to her age, and probably feeling as if she is not wanted in the home at all.

It’d be DH going on the trip, not me or DDs. Shopping with him is one of the only activities she seems to enjoy (because she gets bought stuff) and apparently she’s quite sweet and nice on those days.

We are stricter than her mum on things like homework (she’s behind and it’s rarely done), bedtimes and screen time so she prefers to be at her mum’s house

This is the thing, I get why you'd have your standards/want to be stricter but in doing so its ruined the relationship and she's voted with her feet.

Sometimes there has to be flexibility and compromise because look at this, DH no has no say over homework/bed/screen times....

Given that you are in your sister's wedding, I assume that other family members will be in attendance that could help your husband out with your own small children, so that he can also keep his attention on his daughter.

You must be very careful when you start having your own children that you do not use any type of excuse to exclude his daughter from a previous marriage. Doing so will have domino-falling effects for the rest of your life, and could lead to unintended consequences you are not even thinking of.

Absolutely no way should she get to go on the holidays, it would be a firm no from me.

Of course I want to see her. I want her to be part of our family. DDs adore her and miss her a lot, DD1 has started drawing her pictures and asking that we post them. It’s really sad.

But if she’s going to ruin my sister’s wedding, I’d rather she wasn’t there. And to be honest if she’s going to make a £10k holiday unpleasant and unhappy, I’d rather she wasn’t at that either.

I know it's tempting to say "well she can't come on the holiday then". But it would be better for her to come than to not see her at all.

I'd say no to the wedding, it's your sister's day and hold fire on a decision re the Caribbean for a bit.

You can understand from a 13 year old’s POV why she’d prefer to stay at her mum’s house where she gets more flexibility on things, rightly or wrongly. Of course she may have other reasons she doesn’t want to stay as well.

I think your husband needs to meet her and try and talk. Try and build the relationship. I was a step child with two households and it was hard, not fully belonging at either house and the ‘new’ family being the priority. It made me act like a dick as a teenager which of course made it worse- isn’t an easy answer though.

I understand your concern OP. While it's obviously important to try and keep the relationship going, your sister's expensive destination wedding is a high-stakes event at which to attempt this sort of reconciliation, especially when there's quite a realistic prospect that it could become a shitshow.

Can you all not do something more low key with DSD at another time?

I think the city trip 1-2-1 with her Dad is a good idea. Leave the door open for other trips during the summer. But keep it short and sweet - lunch and a couple of hours. Hard and fast budget.

The New York trip sounds like it’s a family focused event rather than sightseeing & shopping - is she interested in the wedding? Knows and likes your sister? If not then perhaps this trip is a bad idea.

Next years big holiday I’d leave open if you can. She may have a change of heart, time to mature etc.

13 is a tricky age. Mine are older now but I remember how bloody awkward they could be (generally lovely now though). They do develop and gain different perspectives.

She is at an awkward age, make sure she knows the door is always open, take her on the trips. When she is older you’ll have a better relationship with her…or not, but at least you don’t have to worry about whether you/dh are the reason there is no relationship as an adult.

Suggest dh takes wjr on a break just them. She doesn't get the huge trips imo.
My ds stepped away from our house for a year. Opting for drink, drugs and no school at exh's...
He had not a penny spent from me. He had to know his choice had consequences

Came back and was a very remorseful and much more appealing teenager..

Are you advocating Disney dadding with no rules or homework? That’s universally frowned on round these parts.

What has she done in the past that would make you think she had the power to "ruin" a wedding?

@AnneLovesGilbert Did you miss the words 'flexibility' and 'compromise'.

I'm not sure that equates to disney daddying, clearly there was a difference of opinion on screen/homework/bedtime, presumably no agreement was made as the DSD voted with her feet and now DH has no say at all.

So... your average teen? I've lost count of the number of times in real life or on MN I'v heard people suggest that one way to get your teen to actually engage with you is take them out for a starbucks or to do some shopping.

I understand why you're not happy, but I cannot believe you don't want to take her on holiday becuase of this. Ridiculous. We have a moody teen in the house. We are going on holiday. Part of that, is hoping that the trip and the holiday and being ou tof our normal environment will make him less of a moody teen!

You d have a problem with your DH's ex - but there's little or nothing you can do about that. A loving father reaching out to ask his child to spend time with him is NOT harassment, no matter what his ex or his DD think. Of course, I'm assuming he's sending perfectly normal, friendly messages (and nothing you've said suggests that would not be the case).

I didn't take it to mean that OP was suggesting she'd literally ruin the actual wedding. More that if she ended up behaving badly or acting out, it would be incredibly stressful and distracting for OP and her DH and would end up souring the whole trip, which would be a real shame for OP and OP's sister in particular.

I just want to add that, while you sound like your heart is in the right place, this is why step parents get a bad rep. DH and I are still together and our children are our joint children. It doesn't matter how moody they are - if we have a holiday planned, we take them both becuase it just isn't an option to leave one behind.

But the moment it's a step child, there seems to be this weird idea that it's okay to exclude one for poor behaviour. I don't get it.

Or come shopping to be honest. I would not be pandering to a teenager. She wants stuff brought for her she is nice and well behaved or gets extra CMS etc

Absolutely no to holidays

I get it OP because she isn’t your daughter so your patience and understanding are limited, but you married her dad and became part of her family so you need to put some hard effort into faking that patience and understanding- for your husbands sake , for her sake and for your own daughters sake too.

Honestly trying to enforce strict boundaries just at dads isn’t going to work -and her time with dad, and you and her stepsisters needs to be about bonding and enjoying time together not enforcing strict boundaries. I don’t mean let her run wild but I think you need dad to sit her down and agree some reasonable compromises.

Don’t set yourself up as a rule enforcer or parental authority figure because this is just adding fuel to an already delicate fire, be a stepmum and enjoy her company. If you can try and help her develop her self esteem, ask her to help you with jobs at home , or holiday planning, cooking tea etc.

Also, have a little empathy for her- dad has a new family and she is feeling pushed out , how do you think your girls would feel if your husband remarries and starts a new family and they only get limited time to see him

All 13 years old are nicer when you buy them things, yours won’t be any different.
You can’t judge her on the standards of..
The emotionally mature response you want, she’s a child.
Or by how you think your children will react to any future discipline styles in their teen years.
I know it gets said a lot on hear but your SD didn’t choose a life where she’s had her parents split and then have to become part of a family that she probably doesn’t want to be part of, in her head she’s there to see her dad.
13 year olds aren’t interested in going to the park or entertaining younger children. Sitting around your house is probably really boring for her, shopping isn’t.. And neither is a holiday in New York.
If she’s left out it will ruin the relationship with her dad so I think it would be awful for your family to leave her out.