To not want SD coming on these holidays anymore?

[QueenCarmel]

SD is 13. DH and I have been together since she was 5, and we have DD5 and 3. We used to have SD three nights a week but since she started secondary, she’s stopped coming in the week and now rarely at weekends either. We are stricter than her mum on things like homework (she’s behind and it’s rarely done), bedtimes and screen time so she prefers to be at her mum’s house. When she’s here, it’s always under duress and she’s not pleasant to be around. Unfortunately, we have no contact order and have been advised that we are unlikely to get increased time as she’s old enough to decide.

We haven’t seen her since the end of May and she’s ignoring DH’s calls and texts (he has been inviting her here and also to things like the cinema or for a meal with just him). He has just received an email from her mum saying:

”X doesn’t want to come to your house anymore so stop messaging her about it. It’s harassment. She will see you on Saturday if you take her to (nearby city) as she needs new clothes and trainers. She’ll still come on the holidays too.”

The holidays are New York for my sister’s wedding in November and we have been planning a big Caribbean break for next year. I don’t think it’s fair for her to check out of our family entirely except for very expensive holidays.

😂

Nah, no flaming from me and I am usually the one firmly on the side of the step children. You don’t get to walk away from your family and half siblings for 6 months and then only engage when you want to go shopping or go on a trip to New York/the Caribbean… the absolute cheek.

If they take her on these holidays, what exactly does that teach her? That she can drop and ignore people, not contribute to relationships, and there’s not consequences? That people will still be there to give, give, give when all she does is take?

The mother’s text says a lot here too doesn’t it? I’d be responding ‘Great, I’ll pick her up Saturday to go to X city. You can let her know that she has a £150 budget. We’re going to have to discuss the holidays further. She can’t choose to opt out of our family for 6 months or more and feel she can just opt back in purely for the trips. There will need to be some engagement and effort on her end. I’ll discuss with her Saturday.’

Honestly I would just reach out to her. Relationships I. Blended families are hard (I'm a step mum too)

You have to make a real effort to imagine what you would do if they were your bio child.

Yours are littles at the moment and it's hard to imagine them as stroppy teens. But the will be!

And would you leave your own children out of a family holiday?

So what she's saying is 'You can see your DD if you are buying her things or taking her abroad'.

Nope.

Time for a rude awakening.

She's old enough to understand that her behaviour is very immature and grabby. Sounds like Mum is perpetuating her poor behaviour, in fairness.

I think that the wedding is your call and you would be well within your rights to send her a simple message stating that unless you are seeing each other regularly before then, you wouldn’t be comfort able with her coming to your sister’s wedding. You can explain the reasons just as you have on this thread.

The shopping trip seems an ideal occasion for your husband to reconnect with her. It is also a chance for him to explain that family isn’t something that you can opt in to for treats and holidays and opt out of all obligations, so she needs to be a part of your side of the family if she wants to holiday with you.

Thirteen year olds can understand that parents are people with feelings too, although they may need reminding from time to time. And she also has little sisters that she is neglecting.

To be fair, the text message wasn't from the SD, it was from her mother.

I'd say No to the extended family wedding; she's not your sister's family, she's not, invited and you're not stumping up to take her somewhere she's not invited.

But I'd say Yes to the family holiday

OP has reached out to her, she checks in with her weekly, and her father checks in with her even more regularly. They get little to no response.

And OP has already said that if for some reason her own children were to opt out of being a part of her family for 6 months or more that she wouldn’t take them either.

Well said! 👏

I'd be asking for social services support, frankly. She's clearly headed down a bad path with poorly chosen friends if this is what she's already like at 12/13.

If you marry someone with kids, you can't 'rather' they not be around. She is difficult, as yours will be when they are teenagers. She's not optional any more than your other children are.

@QueenCarmel , I have no useful advice but I'm sorry you amd your husband are stuck co-parenting with such a spineless lump.

I can't believe she had the gall to send that message. I'd be too ashamed of creating such entitlement ☹️.

The problem really IS about that behaviour tbh. She’s on a slippery slope here. You can’t have a 12 year old around drugs, booze and adults taking drugs and boozing without doing something to help her. These are the kids who trafficking rings took advantage of! I know, that’s dramatic, but it happened.

It’s probably naive of me to suggest, but wouldn’t social services intervene if approached?

She shouldn’t come to the wedding which is about YOUR sister and wider family . I think it would spoil it for you if she acted out which it sounds like she is likely to do if there are ‘boring’ family events and dinners to attend.

I would hang fit on the big holiday. She would need to have engaged with you regularly before then or you risk a horrible atmosphere.
One on one time with dad is the way to go to start with, and not just shopping trips. Could she pick a movie to watch ? Drive somewhere for lunch ?

I can see why you're upset

I don't think you can withdraw offers of the current holidays but she may need to know that future ones depend on her making the effort to be part of the family. But perhaps this might mean family going to her a bit more.

I would relax with social media at your house as this is her connection to her friends which are so important,

At the sisters wedding, I would hire a babysitter as a back up to help with the little ones to stop any chance that dsd will cause a drama

Ps I think it's really nice that your sister invited her

I am married, DH has a grown daughter and I have a grown son and we had to step parent each other's kids. His DD was a delight, and my DS (he's adorable now) went through a phase of being quite unpleasant.

DH just loved him as if he was his own - that included being shitty about holidays, checking out unless it suited him, being a bit spoiled, rude, difficult and so on.

So if it were your own DD. you'd still take her on holiday. I think you should do the same for SD as when you make a blended family you love each others's as your own.

That said teens can be really horrible. DH lucked out with his daughter being easy, but mine went through a phase of hating me and being hard work. I really appreciate that DH always took his side gently, he must have loved me a lot to do that.

Fingers crossed your own DDs won't have any terrible teens. They become quite lovely after once they leave him and realise you are actually quite nice!

I agree with this.

She’s 13. Even if she had the happiest of upbringings and was not in a blended family, she might be a nightmare. But there’s ( sadly ) no option to leave your kid behind when it’s your kid!

OP- I saw you already addressed this point by saying that the poster didn’t know what it was like having a kid in the house you had no authority over. I get that it’s difficult, but turn it on its head and think how it must feel to share your dad with a step mum you didn’t choose and 2 half sisters who live in one home rather than two?

your DD’s came on the scene when she was only 8. That must have been very unsettling- no matter how welcomed and loved you made her.

Your DH needs to parent all his daughters, and that means dealing with teenage tantrums.

Not a chance I'd take her on holiday. I wouldn't even do the shopping trip. All that's doing is allowing her to manipulate and blackmail you.

If she doesn't want to be part of the family, she doesn't go on family holidays.

I have a 12 year old. Is she always pleasant? No of course not. But she comes to family events and holidays because she is a part of the family - stroppiness and bad behaviour or not. I think uninviting her from family vacations is a hard line I wouldn’t want to cross as I’d think that would rupture the relationship forever. Am slightly on the fence with the wedding as I think it would depend on if she’s part of your family and how long she’s known them etc. but certainly the family holidays.

i did my best to ruin a family holiday at 13 and there was no blending involved - just a typical teenage nightmare.

id also consider relaxing the rules at home if you really aren’t on par with her friends and other house. It’s so important to maintain these relationships through the teen years so id personally be as relaxed as possible to encourage more time together.

Her mum doesn't sound great . I would call her out for using her other parent like that- being completely disinterested unless money is being spent or it's a nice holiday.

I know it's not quite the same but when I divorced my exh eldest DS chose to spend more an .lre time with his Dad. He was 14 and his Dad allowed him to stay up all night gaming, do no homework and even to lie in bed and not go to school. At my house he had to do homework before any gaming was allowed and bed by 10.30pm on school nights. He had to be up showered and breakfasted in time to catch bus to school. It got worse until one day when he was 15 he said he wanted to live with his Dad full time. His younger brother remained living with me. Fast forward his Dad got into a new relationship moved in with his new partner and told son he had to leave. He was 16 1/2. I had just remarried. DH and I said he could come to live with us but he had to either be in education or get a job. There would be no all night gaming and staying in bed all day. He came and DH helped him register at job centre and to get a job. He drove him in and out every day to agency work. Once DS started getting wages he improved and actually got a good work ethic. We paid for him to have driving lessons and he passed his test. He got a job as a drivers mate with DHL. Then when he was 18 they put him in for large van driving test then he did class 2 training then when he was 22 we paid for him to do the class 1 lorry driving. He's been very successful and is now a great employee. Stand firm with DSD she may well come around as she gets older. I dread to think where my DS would be if his Dad had not told him he had to move out.

No shopping trips. No holidays.

You aren't cutting her off. When she deigns to rejoin the family again she can rejoin family activities.

You both would be doing her a disservice to teach her that she can get away with treating family as disposable cash points.

I feel sorry for the girl, being 13 and stuck between two families isn't easy... I did that myself. But there's also a great danger for your DH to give in and be the "Oh Dad will buy me that to see me" parent. There has to be middle ground, and spoiling a child in order to have time with them is a very slippery slope. I would still make regular contact by message or voice note saying hope she's OK and you miss her. But don't buy her love.

I would also just say no tbh.

You don’t get to pick and choose which part of my family life you want to be a part of.

In our family we firmly stand by the fact that rules make our lives better and the good comes with the bad. Ie homework = good grades and chores = screen time etc.