To not want SD coming on these holidays anymore?

[QueenCarmel]

SD is 13. DH and I have been together since she was 5, and we have DD5 and 3. We used to have SD three nights a week but since she started secondary, she’s stopped coming in the week and now rarely at weekends either. We are stricter than her mum on things like homework (she’s behind and it’s rarely done), bedtimes and screen time so she prefers to be at her mum’s house. When she’s here, it’s always under duress and she’s not pleasant to be around. Unfortunately, we have no contact order and have been advised that we are unlikely to get increased time as she’s old enough to decide.

We haven’t seen her since the end of May and she’s ignoring DH’s calls and texts (he has been inviting her here and also to things like the cinema or for a meal with just him). He has just received an email from her mum saying:

”X doesn’t want to come to your house anymore so stop messaging her about it. It’s harassment. She will see you on Saturday if you take her to (nearby city) as she needs new clothes and trainers. She’ll still come on the holidays too.”

The holidays are New York for my sister’s wedding in November and we have been planning a big Caribbean break for next year. I don’t think it’s fair for her to check out of our family entirely except for very expensive holidays.

Not really. The SD is choosing to exclude herself from the family - especially with her SM and sisters, and only opting in for the shopping and trips. She has been invited to many other opportunities and is declining or ignoring them. The OP is trying to set boundaries that it’s not ok to treat family like this (and the rest of her behaviour is not ok either). The OP is also showing the SD that she can’t trade herself for money/clothes/trips which I think is a necessary lesson for her to learn in this case.

What kind of adult is this girl going to grow up to be if this is the type of behaviour she is rewarded for?

This exactly. The OP is the only one doing the right thing Here, the DH and the mother are not doing her any favours

Quite

Your DH is actually contributing to her shitty behaviour and extreme sense of entitlement. SHe knows he'll buy her anything she wants if she deigns to show up. And now he's going to reward her with a solo shopping expedition to New York if you ban her from the wedding?

Absolutely disgusting, frankly.

I think he needs to consult a good family therapist tbh, because his way is not the right way. And I would still be asking for more support and reporting her to social services if she's drinking and doing drugs and sneaking out of the house to do it.

I can understand your H’s fear of not seeing his DD but treating her for her bad behaviour, is outrageous. He’s acting out of fear, when he should be acting out of love for her. He should be teaching her that you don’t pick and choose being a family, you don’t just turn up for hand outs and holidays.
If your H takes her shopping every month, plus takes her to New York, that will have an impact on what he can pay towards your household? He won’t be able to afford to go on a big holiday with you all.
How will he manage if you do split up? Paying two lots of maintenance, taking eldest daughter shopping, when she clicks her fingers and a place to live?
Disney dad is in for a rude awakening!

She’s 13 ffs.

I wouldn’t want to go a UK break while my dad swans off to the caribbean with his “other” family.

My goodness, I'd be FURIOUS in this situation at DH taking his DD to NY. Your joint children WILL start to notice these things. His DD is using him as an ATM, it's sad that your DH won't put a stop to this. If these monthly shopping trips are going to become a thing, then he should be reducing the CMS payments he's making down to what they should be and not over like he is now.

He's letting her cause a division in your family as a whole and in your marriage.

I could not stand for that, I really really feel for you in this situation. He can't seem to see the bigger picture, if he keeps buying her contact, he'll end up losing his wife and the children that actually want to spend time with their Dad. How sad.

Your daughters are being shafted by their dad and half sister, he's paying out more, leaving you to pick up the slack. Ask him how he will make sure all his children will be supported after the inevitable divorce. What a prick

Oh and the "harassment", seriously? If his DD feels "harassed" at contact, then surely taking her on shopping trips and expensive holidays would be like kidnapping, so shouldn't happen either.

The mother sounds as dreadful as the daughter.

You are not a team.
You are just useful to financially prop him and his first family up.
Long term I think you will increasingly find this a problem.
Your daughters deserve better than this.
Unfortunately they only have one parent thinking about them...you.
You do not want an out of control teen increasingly calling the shots on your family and draining your finances, possibly moving into your home.

Start thinking about what is best for you and your children, while you have time to plan and make good choices.

@QueenCarmel I really feel for both you and your DH in this awful situation. Please stick together through this.

Can he stay on in NY at the end of the wedding and she flies out (most airlines take unaccompanied minors) and they fly back together. It would be cheaper that way plus you all get to go to the wedding without SD but she still gets her NY trip. I wouldn’t book the Caribbean trip yet - see how things pan out.

I wouldn’t take her to the wedding, I wouldn’t allow anyone who is likely to spoil what is supposed to be a family event anywhere near no matter how old they are.
your DH is clinging on to any contact he can but he’s made a rod for his own back.
I wonder if tolerating SDs behaviour is a marriage breaker for you op as it doesn’t sound like it will get better and him throwing money at her isn’t working. Her behaviour isn’t improving.

I agree with others that this is make or break time for your marriage. DH has to get a grip here and act as if you are a couple/family, and not two families he is pitting against each other. I’d be minded to start getting my duck’s in a row and seeking legal advice on where you stand in a divorce because he is making it clear you do not come first as his wife, and your family is not a consideration as his eldest child trumps his younger children. Not on.

Yes you treat stepchildren differently from your own because you are not the parent and don’t have the legal right to treat them as your own. For example, my child is vaccinated, has regular health care and dental check ups and attends school. My stepchild’s mother does not believe in vaccines, or dental care (fluoride conspiracy) or conventional schooling. I don’t have the power to override those decisions or their consequences so I am literally unable to treat her ‘as my own’. It drives me crackers when people say this. Yes in some functional blended families you might be able to assume a parental role but in a lot of cases you literally can’t. If the result of parenting is a damaged, uncontrollable teen then no, you do not as a stepparent have to suck it up and pay for expensive trips/ruin your sister’s wedding!

Oh here we go. This is a blended family so of course she should be included in the wedding plans. Are they not a family ? I will never understand why it’s acceptable to some people that step children , yes children,should be excluded from family celebrations. This girl is big sister to her two younger siblings.
when will some people realise the huge amount of damage done to a child with this attitude.
so I am saying if there are reasons not to include the girl in the wedding plans,please don’t ever put it out there that it’s because she isnt really thought of as being family.

How does this work out as cheaper? They would still be buying 5 tickets, plus the unaccompanied minor fees, plus extra (NYC priced $$$) hotel rooms after the wedding/after OP goes home.

I agree @U53rName!
You have the cost of shopping sprees in NY and sightseeing and the monthly shopping sprees will leave a huge dent in H’s pockets which means the OP having to prop him up financially.
When SD eventually gets kicked out of mum’s home for her behaviour, her dad will expect OP and DD’s lives to be further impacted by him being a Disney dad. Their needs will be disregarded whilst dad jumps through hoops trying to undo the damage, he has helped to create. SD won’t except boundaries now so in a few years, the poor girl will be completely out of control and the fallout will be left to the OP deal with as dad is too weak.
I feel sorry for your DH but you need a united front, you love and care for her but wont be emotionally blackmailed into bankrolling her behaviour. They wouldn’t allow the youngest DD’s to get away with it, they have to have boundaries for all the girls to adhere to.

I think your decisions are fair, OP, and I hope your DH starts to make better ones. Especially the wedding - it's not a holiday, it's a family get-together, and if she refuses to take part in family life she's essentially excluded herself.

If I was your DH, I’d take her shopping and whilst sitting down, having lunch, I’d tell her how much he loves her, as do you and her younger siblings. That even though she feels she is old enough to act as she pleases, that the boundaries he puts down are not only for her own safety, it’s about treating others with respect and being responsibility for her. That he would’ve had the same boundaries if he and her mum had not split up. that one day she will understand that the boundaries are there because he loves her so much.
That her behaviour is worrying him and her absence is hurting everyone but he can’t take her shopping every month because he can’t afford to and her actions of sneaking out of the house to go to a party, even though he had said no, not only was disrespectful but she was putting herself in danger.
That the trip to New York and any future holidays abroad are off the cards for her because he doesn’t trust her to behave and not wander off by herself when the notion takes her, and anything could've happened to her and he needs to keep her safe. That staying away from you all, is not showing him that she can be trusted or will behave at home or abroad but that’s her choice. A parent’s role is not to be her best friend and let her go off the rails, it’s to keep her safe and help to keep her on the right track because you love them. That she is loved very much, missed and that will never change even though she doesn’t like rules.

This is excellent advice.

Nope. If she can't answer his texts she doesn't get the nice bits.

The behavior she has described coming from her step-daughter, while not ideal, is also not uncommon, and could eventually be the same behavior her own biological children exhibit, so if she lacks empathy and the desire to include that child now, how will she behave if she is in the same situation with her own biological children, and what will it say to the step-daughter, if some how when it is her own biological child, she is able to find more empathy and compassion?

You are making a false equivalency with your argument. Not having decision-making capabilities on whether a step-child gets vaccinated in no way should influence your capability to treat that child with the same love, concern, inclusiveness, and care that you would your own biological children.

It is a hollow argument, and one that shows you are attempting to use it as an excuse for your behavior, whether you consciously realize it or not.

The joys of getting involved with people with first families.
No wonder she only wants to do the fun things as it doesn’t sound like it’s fun at your house.
yes she should go on holiday with her dad and yes he should fit the bill for clothing.

Time to back off the strictness, in my opinion. She doesn’t like coming to your house. With hindsight, I would have dialled the conflict down to a minimum with my daughter much earlier than I did. Once they’re teenagers, they suddenly transitioning to adults. In a flash, before you realise, they’re 18 and need to be able to run their own lives. You need to give them some slack so they can learn how to do that incrementally throughout their teens.

It’s unfortunate that she has the power to stay away from you, which my daughter didn’t. But regardless, surely you want her to be happy in her home and not over-controlled? Kids don’t do well academically by being controlled, they have to want it themselves.

Teenagers can be repellent. The parent’s job is to hang on in there and give them a loving sanctuary. Academics, achievements…. everything else is just details. She needs to build a good sense of self-esteem and agency to carry her successfully through life and your support will create that.