To not want SD coming on these holidays anymore?

[QueenCarmel]

SD is 13. DH and I have been together since she was 5, and we have DD5 and 3. We used to have SD three nights a week but since she started secondary, she’s stopped coming in the week and now rarely at weekends either. We are stricter than her mum on things like homework (she’s behind and it’s rarely done), bedtimes and screen time so she prefers to be at her mum’s house. When she’s here, it’s always under duress and she’s not pleasant to be around. Unfortunately, we have no contact order and have been advised that we are unlikely to get increased time as she’s old enough to decide.

We haven’t seen her since the end of May and she’s ignoring DH’s calls and texts (he has been inviting her here and also to things like the cinema or for a meal with just him). He has just received an email from her mum saying:

”X doesn’t want to come to your house anymore so stop messaging her about it. It’s harassment. She will see you on Saturday if you take her to (nearby city) as she needs new clothes and trainers. She’ll still come on the holidays too.”

The holidays are New York for my sister’s wedding in November and we have been planning a big Caribbean break for next year. I don’t think it’s fair for her to check out of our family entirely except for very expensive holidays.

The only thing I’d say is, if in the future your own teenage daughters want barely anything to do with you, would you be willing to take them shopping or on holiday as a way of reconnecting with them?

I was a horror at age 13 but I do remember enjoying select activities still, and my parents leaned into doing those things with me as it meant a bit of connection.

some of the issues will literally be because she is 13. Others will be because she is co-parented. some might be because she is a bit of a madam!

Easier said than done but the smart thing to do would be to lovebomb her. Not with money but with time/love. Buy her new dress for wedding so she is excited about it, make her feel like most important person in your life… won’t be forever but results will last and last and your partner will appreciate you so much for being such an incredible stepmum. Improbably idealistic I know…

As she gets older you're going to have her manipulating him to get whatever she wants because she knows he will do it for the contact. Can't say I'd agree to take her on big expensive holidays if she won't even come round for dinner once in a blue moon!

Stepmums always lose! Don't set yourself up to be the bad guy, it will ruin your relationship with DH. Thankfully things will get better as she matures, but until then - as long as DH continues to do the right thing - you just have to let the teens run their course!

Genuinely ask yourself, if one of your girls were this difficult at that age, would you exclude them from holidays or family weddings. if not the. You have your answer,
re your sisters wedding - I do understand but young new teenagers can be awful. Yours may be worse. Would you exclude them.
all of you go or only you.
you husband has 3 kids.
either leave him (understandable) or put yourself in his shoes and treat her as she should be treated - as a child who has had to live without her father and clearly has a manipulative mother and has to watch her father live with two other children who are favoured.
she is not an adult or even young adult she is very very young. Cop on to yourself.

You obviously aren’t a stepparent. The point is that how a child is parented - consistency, boundaries, healthcare - affects their behaviour. How their mother speaks about you and the dad at home influences behaviour. You can try to be a sane influence and show constancy but if you are not legally able to offer stability, boundaries and so on then no you can’t treat them as your own. If you have no control over behaviour you can’t take them away and put you all in a dangerous situation.

I have been through something very similar. Met DP when DSD was 11 and DSS 5. 14 years ago. They hadn't had a great time prior to this. Very confusing & inconsistent upbringing. No boundaries from either parent. Huge anxiety in DSD, terrible behaviour from DSD. Money & shopping was the key to a nice, happy, polite SD. I brought in boundaries. Other people said what a difference it made to both children's behaviour. Much easier to have to visit. But of course big kick back from DSD. And more time spent at mothers where no boundaries. Over the years - rows, huge mess I've had to clear up, not arriving for meals, trips when all is planned around her arrival. I know about drugs - dealing as well. Fast forward to now - 25, nearly 26 year old. Responsible, good job. Spends as much time with her dad as possible. (Not all rosy - DP still makes her every little demand a priority. Agree his DC will always be a priority, but this can be so disruptive and upsetting.) We have a good relationship - had a mani pedi gel nails together this week. Outdoor swimming in the heat. Planning trips together. At 11 I predicted she'd be a drug dealer! And she was, briefly. I did not predict the lovely girl she has become. Glad I waited it out. So many times I walked and returned. Or nearly walked. Don't underestimate the trauma on some children with low resilience, of seeing parents in pain and trauma themselves.

You are actually making several points, though I don't think you realize it. They are:

1. How a child is parented (inconsistently, poorly, etc.), decisions about their healthcare, and how they are manipulated can affect their behavior. Nobody disagrees with you on this. You are absolutely correct.
2. If you cannot counteract those negatives by the other parent, then "you cannot treat them as your own." This, I disagree with wholeheartedly.
3. If you can't control their behavior then you must exclude them. This, could be your only course of action in certain circumstances, but if you use it for everything, and especially as the OP is suggesting with family events, then, in the long-run you will cause more harm than good. If the go-to response is to exclude the child, then it is an excuse for your own convenience and ease.

The part that I take issue with is #2 . . . and using #3 in either all situations, or the important ones for your own convenience. When a child feels as though they are not loved, not included, and the parents prefer the other children, this becomes a part of them, affecting their self-esteem, their ability to trust, future relationships, and how they turn out in the end.

Nobody ever said parenting was easy, and certainly blended families are more complex and difficult to manage. But you, as the adult, signed up for it, and are obligated, and should understand this, that you show the same empathy, compassion, love, care and concern . . . the same interest and inclusiveness to a step-child as you would your own, no matter their behavior. The key word here is "child." They do not have the same level of brain development, nor capability to reason and understand the cause/effect relationship. They are learning from successes and failures, and doing so in a poor environment half of the time.

Because of the latter, you are certainly entitled to frustration, but you do not give up on the child. My recommendation would be to work through legal systems to at least get counseling in place . . . . independent counseling for the child, and counseling with parents (all of you) separately.

When you start making "good behavior" a condition of inclusiveness with a step-child, you are setting yourself up for life-long issues as the odds of your own biological children always acting perfectly around the step-child are slim. When the step-child sees that you exhibit more tolerance, love, care and concern for your biological children when they act out or act up, this will cement her suspicions that you love them more, which creates trust and self-esteem issues, and will cause poor family dynamics and relations for the rest of your life.

I agree with some of your points to an extent: but in OPs case and in mine we are not talking about ‘perfect’ behaviour. The last time my stepchild stayed at my house she acted so insane the neighbours called the police. She is 11 years old. This is not just a case of not tolerating normal levels of acting out. But when I am actively (as OP) prevented from putting things in place that would manage the behaviour (I am talking consistent bed times, consequences like no iPad for an evening for swearing at her dad, not anything abusive) then I cannot actually act with tolerance love and kindness. Because I have an out of control child in my home and my responsibility is instinctively and legally to safeguard my own children from harm.

Now, if for whatever reason my own children were to act as my DSD or the OP’s I would have to have more tolerance. But there would be boundaries and consequences. I’d pay for therapy and put things in place to make sure they got what was needed. My point is you literally cannot do this for a stepchild. You aren’t allowed to do it. My DH and his ex would not agree to any of
it. And so you make a choice: I either martyr mine and my kids’ lives to having someone out of control in our house and on our family holidays, or I say, ‘not this weekend/week/trip’ because I don’t want my kids’ childhood to be utterly consumed by their sisters’ issues that her own parents ignore/fail to address. I agree these kids will have issues when they grow up with self esteem but again - what can a stepparent do if the parents don’t care/don’t see a problem?

I would never leave a child out in anything except an extreme situation. And we do see my DSD regularly, she comes on holidays and spends Christmas and so on with us. I have the same rules for all the children. But I also don’t take her to family weddings or on our holidays that I know she would struggle to behave on, because she cannot simply be allowed to ruin these occasions. I only have one life my children only have one childhood. My DH is a bit useless and it does disgust me
honestly. But as someone unable to intervene I am no more able to treat her ‘as my own’ than I am my nieces and nephews.

In your case, it appears that I made a faulty assumption that your husband had attempted to effect positive change and was on the same page with you, but based on your comment about your DH (i.e. "a bit useless and it does disgust me honestly") I see that I was wrong.

For that, you have my deepest sympathies and apology, as you cannot do this well, without a partner that puts the needs of his children before his own, and cares about both their short- and long-term happiness and health.

Have you tried counseling with your husband? I know you must have had numerous conversations with him, but perhaps he is like many men and must have an unbiased, third-party explain to him the damage he is causing to his children by his lack of action on this?

I’ve suggested therapy and he is saying we don’t need it. But I think after the police incident he realises how close I am
to to waking out so it might be worth broaching the subject again. The difficulty is with our joint children he is a functional father and they love him dearly, and he has many good qualities but this one issue is dominating our marriage to breaking point.

This is so unrealistically idealistic it’s funny!

I find it both sad and infuriating that so many husbands and fathers feel that they have the final word on "what is needed" or "not needed" when they do not carry the emotional load of the marriage and child-rearing or the physical load of household upkeep.

We have created a society that perpetuates the notion that men must bear the financial burden for the survival of a household and perform "fun daddy" tasks here and there, but that is it.

The effect of this is a slow kill to the marriage as resentment builds within the partner that is seeing to the daily needs of the children, the house and her husband.

There are a few enlightened ones that do not fit this mold, but they are few and far between because both parents, even the unhappy women, perpetuate this societal norm.

I believe that it is time for you to either take back power you once had in your relationship or establish a new, equalized power dynamic. It comes with strong convictions, words and consistent follow-through.

In your situation, I think it is fair to state, "You do not believe we need therapy, but you do not get to make that choice alone, and I believe our daughter, and ourselves need it. If you do not support me on this, you are essentially saying that you do not care enough about me or your daughter to take the time, effort and money to seek help for her and us."

Before you tell him, consider what consequences you will deliver that are both realistic and something you can commit to following through on. And make that apart of the conversation and above all else, if he fails you, then deliver the consequences. YOU MUST. If you do not, then you are continuing to enable his lack of involvement and commitment to working on your family and getting the step-daughter the help she needs, along with the both of you.

Have been through a similar situation so virtual hand-hold from me, it is really not an easy one to navigate. Not for you, or your DH, or as a couple.

I don't know what the situation with the mother is like but based on that one text I'm fairly sure I have the measure of her. This person is unlikely to be an ally or someone who is supportive of your DH relationship with his daughter. I suspect herein lies much of your problem...

SD when she was about 14 suddenly decided that she didn't want to come over anymore but that she would come on holidays and we laid down the line of - you come on holidays as long as you participate in family life. (Our expectation was a family meal or such once a fortnight). She did not do it the first year and we held the line, tough as it was. (She was ignoring texts, birthdays, special occasions, wider family including elderly grandparents). Same the next year and she made more effort and we had a nice time on holiday. She got back from the holiday and we didn't see her for months....
Things have got a little better over the last few months as she matures a bit.

We've always held the door open wide, extended many olive branches, let her know we want her around. Hopefully it is getting through. It is, however, not helped, by her mother who continually tells lies about us and says awful things about us & has created a very toxic and enmeshed mother/daughter BFF relationship. Sadly, we have had to adjust our expectations away from how close we were when she was younger.

It was an incredibly stressful period and it hasn't left me tbh. I still feel on eggshells around her and angry that she could just discard her Dad (who is loving and gentle) and siblings for months without a backward glance or care. She didn't see her grandparents for nearly 2 years and missed milestone birthdays. I'll not forget it and I remain afraid of it happening again, or spreading to our other DSD. It is very hurtful and my thoughts go out to you.

All fine and well but the DSD is actively choosing to exclude herself? Why should the rest of the family miss out on being a family just because one member has decided not to be involved anymore?
She is not “very very young”. She’s over the age of criminal responsibility for one thing. She’s expected to know right from wrong. She’s old enough to learn that if you play stupid games you win stupid prizes.
And are you suggesting that OPs children are the ones who are favoured? Because it’s certainly not by their father, as his financial priority is their sister as he’s made quite clear. If he decides to skip a major family event to appease DSD, that’s going to cement it. OP is allowed to favour her own children, she’s their mother.

With teenagers, especially in step families you have to take what you can get. When your DC are older if they would only see you on holiday you would most likely do it. That's what us parents do. The mum's message is rude

How are you doing @QueenCarmel , where's your head with this? x