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Original poster

To not want SD coming on these holidays anymore?

292 replies

QueenCarmel · 08/07/2025 16:35

SD is 13. DH and I have been together since she was 5, and we have DD5 and 3. We used to have SD three nights a week but since she started secondary, she’s stopped coming in the week and now rarely at weekends either. We are stricter than her mum on things like homework (she’s behind and it’s rarely done), bedtimes and screen time so she prefers to be at her mum’s house. When she’s here, it’s always under duress and she’s not pleasant to be around. Unfortunately, we have no contact order and have been advised that we are unlikely to get increased time as she’s old enough to decide.

We haven’t seen her since the end of May and she’s ignoring DH’s calls and texts (he has been inviting her here and also to things like the cinema or for a meal with just him). He has just received an email from her mum saying:

”X doesn’t want to come to your house anymore so stop messaging her about it. It’s harassment. She will see you on Saturday if you take her to (nearby city) as she needs new clothes and trainers. She’ll still come on the holidays too.”

The holidays are New York for my sister’s wedding in November and we have been planning a big Caribbean break for next year. I don’t think it’s fair for her to check out of our family entirely except for very expensive holidays.

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Thisisnotmyid · 08/07/2025 19:41

I would take her on the shopping trip as kids need clothes but not the holidays. She can’t choose to be part of the family when it benefits her financially and ignore you for the rest of the year.

Laughlikeadrain · 08/07/2025 19:42

The more I read OP, the more I feel sorry for your SD.

That’s not to blame you, I think maybe your DH needs to step up a bit here. You mention she’s happy when he takes her shopping. Yes - it may be because she gets stuff, but perhaps it’s also because it’s the only time she gets alone with her dad and she equates gifts with affection.

Im also not sure about the implied criticism of the parenting from her mother causing this. You say you implement boundaries but she sneaked off to a party and got drunk while in your DH’s care?

You can’t say this is because the mum doesn’t make her do homework! To be fair to her mum, she’s got more experience parenting than you. Maybe she’s worked out being strict isn’t working?

frankly, I think kids behave this way because they’re unhappy, or naturally rebellious. I can think of at least one family with 2 DDs. Both in a loving family with everything they wanted. One was a complete swot who had to be told to take a break, and the other who was out getting drunk at parties at 13. Caused so much worry, but is lovely now she’s out the other side!

Rightsraptor · 08/07/2025 19:47

I definitely wouldn't let her go on the wedding trip, that's got 'disaster' written on it already. There are so may ways she could ruin that and it wouldn't be ruined for just you and her father, but so many other people too. I'd take her on a holiday but not a swanky or important one. She and her mother need to learn a few home truths.

Weepixie · 08/07/2025 19:59

Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuff · 08/07/2025 17:21

Harassment. Pah. I'd not want her on the trips either. Her dad can take her shopping and have a simple line or two ready to say to her. Like I'm sad you don't want to be around x, y and z these days but we won't try to force you at your age. The littles miss you a lot, do you think you'd cope if they sent you some paintings now and then? And the trips won't work when you're not feeling sociable. Maybe next time. I'll still buy you a top from Blah Store while we're over there though. Anyway, let's get you some shoes and a dress today. Lunch now or shops first? Let her back away from the contact without cutting her off, but don't let her ruin a wedding or other big trip!

I agree with this even though it’s everything I’d have disagreed with in the past. And no, nothing has happened in my life to make me look at things differently. Perhaps just getting older has changed my opinion on a lot. I don’t actually know. But the post from @Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuff seems like a very good compromise.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 08/07/2025 19:59

Maybe ask her over for a 'holiday planning' day. This is when you tell her that there will be lots of family meals etc and she won't be going shopping /sightseeing with her dad. She might well decide not to come.
She also needs to know the boundaries and be told she should spend time with her half siblings and you beforehand. Otherwise it ain't happening. A 13 year old really can't be calling all the shots.

Screamingabdabz · 08/07/2025 20:01

Jeez just the accusation of ‘harassment’ would make me block the number and change the locks. If she wants shopping trips and expensive holidays she takes part in family life - the rough and the smooth. If not, tough shit. We’ll send you a postcard.

AfraidToRun · 08/07/2025 20:05

If you're in the wedding party, it's not a holiday...

MeridianB · 08/07/2025 20:06

MooseLooseAboutTheHoose · 08/07/2025 17:27

I’m generally on the side of the children in these situations but I actually feel very different here. If she has opted out of family life, doesn’t want to see you or your children, then cancel her New York trip. This is your sister’s wedding and she obviously doesn’t want to be around you and your children so why would you take her? I would feel different if it was your DHs sister.

Hold fire on the Caribbean trip, it’s next year, and maybe cancelling the New York trip will focus things in her mind a little and she’ll mature a bit.

This with bells on.

That message from her mother is low and emotional blackmail for expensive holidays is really trashy.

There are dozens of small ways your DH can connect with her.

Soulfulunfurling · 08/07/2025 20:08

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Kelly1969 · 08/07/2025 20:09

QueenCarmel · 08/07/2025 16:35

SD is 13. DH and I have been together since she was 5, and we have DD5 and 3. We used to have SD three nights a week but since she started secondary, she’s stopped coming in the week and now rarely at weekends either. We are stricter than her mum on things like homework (she’s behind and it’s rarely done), bedtimes and screen time so she prefers to be at her mum’s house. When she’s here, it’s always under duress and she’s not pleasant to be around. Unfortunately, we have no contact order and have been advised that we are unlikely to get increased time as she’s old enough to decide.

We haven’t seen her since the end of May and she’s ignoring DH’s calls and texts (he has been inviting her here and also to things like the cinema or for a meal with just him). He has just received an email from her mum saying:

”X doesn’t want to come to your house anymore so stop messaging her about it. It’s harassment. She will see you on Saturday if you take her to (nearby city) as she needs new clothes and trainers. She’ll still come on the holidays too.”

The holidays are New York for my sister’s wedding in November and we have been planning a big Caribbean break for next year. I don’t think it’s fair for her to check out of our family entirely except for very expensive holidays.

No I wouldn’t be taking her on any holiday, she either wants to be part of your life or not, I wouldn’t let her cherry pick the bits she wants.
the shopping trip would depend on whether he contributes for her already?
She only wants to see him for what she can get out of him, does he really want to encourage that kind of vile bratish behaviour

whyschoolwhy · 08/07/2025 20:10

@Kelly1969 hope you're not a step-parent

carly2803 · 08/07/2025 20:10

QueenCarmel · 08/07/2025 18:42

Yes she is but we haven’t booked it yet.

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i would not let her go to the wedding - like you said you cannot supervise her properly and she likely to ruin it

If i had not seem my child for months and they only appeared to use me/go on holiday, i would not be taking them!

ClaredeBear · 08/07/2025 20:12

I wonder if you could keep her involved in the Caribbean holiday and shopping but not your sister’s wedding, not because she doesn’t deserve it (I’m not sure about that) but to reduce the pressure you must be under.

MooseLooseAboutTheHoose · 08/07/2025 20:12

carly2803 · 08/07/2025 20:10

i would not let her go to the wedding - like you said you cannot supervise her properly and she likely to ruin it

If i had not seem my child for months and they only appeared to use me/go on holiday, i would not be taking them!

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Exactly! I’m separated from DC dad, if they decided they weren’t going to see me for 6 months or more, except for me to bring them shopping and on lavish holidays… they would not be going on lavish holidays! The fact that this is a SD situation is actually a red herring.

Kelly1969 · 08/07/2025 20:12

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 08/07/2025 19:59

Maybe ask her over for a 'holiday planning' day. This is when you tell her that there will be lots of family meals etc and she won't be going shopping /sightseeing with her dad. She might well decide not to come.
She also needs to know the boundaries and be told she should spend time with her half siblings and you beforehand. Otherwise it ain't happening. A 13 year old really can't be calling all the shots.

This would be a risky strategy if she agrees to the conditions to just go to New York, she could be awful and ruin the trip for everyone.

Kelly1969 · 08/07/2025 20:16

whyschoolwhy · 08/07/2025 20:10

@Kelly1969 hope you're not a step-parent

No I’m not, and I stand by my view and it appears most people on here have a similar view.

Praying4Peace · 08/07/2025 20:16

CatsMagic · 08/07/2025 17:20

I get it OP because she isn’t your daughter so your patience and understanding are limited, but you married her dad and became part of her family so you need to put some hard effort into faking that patience and understanding- for your husbands sake , for her sake and for your own daughters sake too.

Honestly trying to enforce strict boundaries just at dads isn’t going to work -and her time with dad, and you and her stepsisters needs to be about bonding and enjoying time together not enforcing strict boundaries. I don’t mean let her run wild but I think you need dad to sit her down and agree some reasonable compromises.

Don’t set yourself up as a rule enforcer or parental authority figure because this is just adding fuel to an already delicate fire, be a stepmum and enjoy her company. If you can try and help her develop her self esteem, ask her to help you with jobs at home , or holiday planning, cooking tea etc.

Also, have a little empathy for her- dad has a new family and she is feeling pushed out , how do you think your girls would feel if your husband remarries and starts a new family and they only get limited time to see him

Truly brilliant response

saraclara · 08/07/2025 20:24

She will see you on Saturday if you take her to (nearby city) as she needs new clothes and trainers. She’ll still come on the holidays too.”

I'm astonished that so many posters on this thread are excusing the most egregiously manipulative behaviour that's going on here. ' I won't see you unless you're spending money on me or taking me on an expensive holiday'...?
And all this over making her do her homework and have her screen time limited?

What is she going to learn from her dad and OP rolling over and allowing this? She refuses to see him for six months, but she'll be kind enough to have two fantastic overseas trips with him, plus a spending spree?

Dontknowwhyidoit · 08/07/2025 20:30

I think your husband should have a conversation with his ex partner about how to manage this situation to see if they can work together to try to improve the situation. They could them sit down with their daughter and try to come up with a plan that everyone is comfortable with, with regards to rules and how much time is spent together as a family in your home. My dad remarried and had another family so I know what's it like to stay in another home where you are not fully part of that family due to having different parent and only there some of the time. My dad had holidays and didn't invite me and they also got to do extra activities that I didn't get and I did feel like I was less important part of his life than my sister and brother. To be honest I still do and my dad now wants to have that bond with me and I can't or won't reciprocate those feelings back.

Stilllifes · 08/07/2025 20:32

I think the wedding she can give a miss.
See how things go for the big holiday next year.

Tell your husband to keep offering short breaks, maybe Paris for a couple of nights on their own.

DungareesTrombonesDinos · 08/07/2025 20:32

Sheepsheeps · 08/07/2025 18:56

I personally agree with you OP.
I get that she's a teenager in a difficult juncture in her life but I also don't feel that she should be allowed to treat her dad or you like cash cows. Fair enough, she doesn't want to visit. That's her decision and you are respecting that but you're also leaving the door open for her if and when she changes her mind. That to me demonstrates a loving home awaiting her return when she's ready.
What I don't agree with is enabling this grabby attitude of I'll only come over if I get money spent on me or I get to go on a lavish holiday.
Most of the people commenting on here have never been a step parent. Its way harder than being a biological parent and until youve experienced it, you'll never fully understand.
I'll await the flaming.......

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Couldn't agree with this more and I say this as the biological parent who's kids have acted like utter arseholes to my husband. I wouldn't take them to the end of the road with the way that they have behaved.

@QueenCarmel I wouldnt be giving her the chance to ruin anything else, she's had plenty of chances.

Seventree · 08/07/2025 20:33

Where are you going to leave your shared DDs when you go on holiday if they go through periods of being hard work?

She's your husband's child, he can't exclude her (and given how fractured their relationship is, he needs to make the most of any opportunity he gets to spend time with her). If you're worried about your sister's wedding, suggest he does something else with her on that day.

ZenNudist · 08/07/2025 20:34

I agree with you sadly. She shouldn't be coming to NYC. I wouldn't do the shopping trip either. Its such a shitty dynamic.

Is there any way he can fight for her legally? It sounds like her other family is allowing some damaging behaviour.

it was on your watch she obtained access to alcohol and drugs and underage sex. Its terrifying to think of a 12yo going to such a party and leaving the house at midnight. A very serious step up needed to occur when this happened. She needs therapy.

It sounds like you have money with these expensive holidays. Spend it on therapy and legal advice. I know plenty of people who have court ordered access Up to 18. Why has your DH not sorted this out?

MyRootinTootinBaby · 08/07/2025 20:34

So the only time she wants to see her dad is when he’s spending money on her? She doesn’t want to be contacted (harassed) at any other time? She needs to learn that if she doesn’t attempt to have a relationship, then she doesn’t get to have the nice things.

Rowen32 · 08/07/2025 20:37

tripleginandtonic · 08/07/2025 18:32

Yes let's push her away further.

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Or teach her she doesn't get to dictate and be spoiled rotten as a consequence of showing no love or respect to her family