Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

@TheMeasurebevause he’s too scared to say no to her because then she will kick off, cause issues and be horrid to him.

Sorry op, your partner asks for proof of this type of thing because otherwise he accuses you of cheating? He sounds a bit unhinged to be honest, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

I don't think getting caught up into a back and forth with a child by text makes any sense. But the issue is because her dad is creating problems between you.

Quite frankly op I'd be leaving him if he can't get his act together- it sounds toxic.

And if she's been suspended from school and is up all night until 5.45 making a racket with her friend, then presumably wanting to sleep all day, my guess is this will only get worse. She's still at school yet no-one has any control or authority over her. She'll be completely feral before long. Drugs, fighting, in trouble with the police, pregnant, the lot. She sounds troubled. Maybe she has reason to be, maybe she'd say you are the problem and the reason she's going off the rails, but do you really want to stick around for all the grief that is going to bring? I wouldn't.

Remove yourself and your boys from this toxic nonsense and leave the pair of them to it. It doesn't sound as if there is much that makes you happy in this relationship.

OP, you are so deep in the forest here you cannot see the wood for the trees.

I'm sure your top priority is your children. On that basis, stop subjecting them to these toxic people - a rude and disrespectful teen and her Disney dad who has already shown you really clearly just how far down his list of priorities you are.

Your children deserve so much better.

If you must keep seeing this bloke, despite everything, then just date him. Avoid his house, minimise the time he spends in your house when your children are there and focus on your boys.

End the relationship. Why are you with a man that you need to prove everything to? What I'd your word not good enough? Do you need a body cam?

The recording her in her own home is weird. The saying nothing is weird. The text dialogue is weird. Why couldn't you just knock and ask her to hold it down a bit? Why can you sit down and communicate? I think it's a weird dynamic because your partner is dictating how you can and can not respond.

I'd walk away. If you want to continue the relationship do it in your home. Then you can dictate the rules.

Well the answer to that is obviously a polite no. She has two parents to run around after her. Her Vinted habit is not your problem and why would you put yourself out for her when she admits she hates you anyway? Just tell her this, but resist the temptation to get into a childish spat. Stay adult and matter of fact and tell her you will try to keep out of her way in future and you'd appreciate it if she'd try to keep out of yours. But at the end of the day her dad's home is her home and if she won't make it tolerable for you to be there and he isn't prepared to discipline her then you only have one solution and that's not to spend any time there when she is present.

You say 'we are supposed to be a family' but you are not a family. You don't even live together. You have your own place. I suggest you spend more time at it. If you won't ditch this man then at least schedule your time together around avoiding his angry, selfish, badly behaved daughter. She's never going to like you so give up flogging this dead horse and bring yourself some peace.

You say you have nothing without him? You have two lovely children, your health, your own home and it’s clear you earn enough for a decent life for you all.
That is more than a lot of women can even dream of.

As a child of divorced parents who re married. Blended families are more often than not a disaster. I’m in my 40s and still working through stuff that happened in my teens as part as a blended household.
Date by all means but keep the kids completely out of it until they are adults and move out.

The father is the problem - yet another disney dad!!!!
Stop going over. She's rude and disrespectful - don't be a complainer - find a solution that works for you that contains no drama!!! Good luck

There’s something about this post that just doesn’t ring true to me. I believe that you are trying to tell us the truth but I feel you may have blind spots, op.

All the children sound traumatised - including yours. From your description your children seem preternaturally quiet. Is this how you have trained them to be? What are the consequences if they don’t behave the way that you want? The SD sounds like one of the healthiest. Even though she is kicking off and behaving appallingly in your eyes, she isn’t knuckling down and complying with what you want her to be.

I find it interesting that you are implying that your dp is a coercive controller when he can’t even control a 14 year old. He can’t be that good at control. Not every man who expresses an anxiety about who you are calling is controlling. The behaviour is usually consistent and progressive over time.

you don’t sound all that different to his daughter, which may be why you clash. You both want things your way. However she is a 14 year old and you are a grown woman.

Why do you even care what he tells people about you leaving him? This doesn’t sound like a happy relationship or a functioning household. Did the SD get suspended for her appalling punctuation skills?

This is mental. Are you actually complaining she doesn't go to her mums enough and then when she wants to go he threatens to not give her her allowance so of course she doesn't go? How is that her winning? It just sounds a messed up way to parent. I would be running for the hills myself, and I would definitely not be getting involved and I would not be staying over with my kids.

wtaf?

you’re sleeping downstairs and his first thought is that you’re messaging someone ELSE?

his frankly barely literate daughter is playing up and disturbing the whole house and you’re having to provide proof? BOTH him and her are awful

he’s not your partner, you don’t live together, and neither should you.

leave him to it, leave her to it. Get your kids out of this mess.

seriously. You’re better than this

@PopeJoan2no I have not trained them and punish them. They are loud kids but they also no to respect other people as this is a big thing they have been taught. We have a rule in my house to quietly be in our rooms until 7.30 school days and 9 weekends to all wake up nicely and show we respect others maybe sleeping. Not saying they have always been good at it, but we will talk through a bad morning and we will apologise to the rest of the house and move on. It’s not something I feel they should be punished for.

hw can’t control his daughter as he doesn’t want, he wants her to be his best friend and to want to live there so he can make our he is the perfect parent to everyone. I am not allowed to see my friends/family on a Friday or Saturday we are to spend it together, I go away on my own with my kids and he makes me feel guilty for going. I have to meet him everyday for his 2 hour lunch break or I get accused. I can send message proof if I have to

she has clearly been vile to you but the main issue here is her father who is clearly incapable of parenting her properly

I honestly think it’s time to move on you don’t deserve any of this shit in your life

so what if he tells everyone that it was because of the children. It will be because of his inability to parent the children

Ffs - dump him, he’s a Disney dad, a crap step father and a rubbish partner.

You’re not that desperate to fuck your DC’s lives aren’t you - just leave him and you’ll have a much more peaceful life

I'm on sd's side here. It's not your house, leave it for her dad to deal with as he sees fit.

@Gardengirl108no suspended for disruptive behaviour again. Usually it’s always being disruptive in classes. Refusing to wear a blazer. Skipping lessons; one was pushing a teacher.

This. Don't get dragged to their level.
You know SD is right - it is weird you recording her noise and you could have gone home. She is a child. A product of divorce. She does not need to be dragged into your weird relationship with her father.
Saying 'she wins' is childish - you are an adult. Set your boundaries and stick to them. House is too noisy. Go home. SD makes noise when she stays over then leave when she arrives unannounced.
Have some respect for yourself too. Tell your partner you won't be providing anymore 'proof' (how utterly ridiculous) if he doesn't believe you then there is no trust and it is over. If that isn't a red flag about this man then I don't know what is.

Absolutely. He sounds very controlling with all this proof nonsense. Why are you also posting proof of her messages, as if you need to prove yourself to us? This situation sounds exhausting....

So leave him?

it Gets worse - he’s controlling you and limiting what you can do. Fuck this shit and dump

then she wins. And she carries on getting what she wants
Too much drama.
Seriously,life is too short for this nonsense.
Your partner sounds weak and as weird AF.
Leave them too it.
Its not a war with winners and lovers.
Walk away and don't care if she gets what she wants. It won't be yout problem

This relationship is toxic at the moment OP.

Your partner simply isn’t in a position to be in a relationship.
He needs to put his own children first and sort out their needs. It’s impossible for him to guide his troubled daughter properly with you on the scene as she seems intent on making him prove that he loves her over you. She isn’t mature enough to accept you into her life as a step mother. It seems she has a problem with authority and is rebelling in every direction. Life is too complicated for her with another family in her home at her dad’s.

In your shoes, I would walk away back to your own house and concentrate on your own children. They don’t need to be subject to the dramas this resentful step sibling is causing in her home and really, as they are already between two houses, isn’t that enough for them without adding a third at weekends ?

You need, peace and dignity and a respectful household with your own lovely children. A good long period of decency and stability for them while your partner sorts things out in his own home before inviting you over again.

I would really wind back and leave ALL the children out of the relationship for now. Go back to dating or meeting up/staying over when you have complete privacy and there are no children around at all.
It doesn't work for his daughter with you in her home.

Please don’t think of it as her winning. She is fighting for what she needs. Step away and let her father provide it without any interference or distractions. He can’t keep everybody happy …..it just won’t work right now.

It’s really good that you have kept your own loving home for your own children to retreat to as a complete happy family.
You really don’t need these unnecessary added complications.
All the best to you OP.

I am not allowed to see my friends/family on a Friday or Saturday we are to spend it together, I go away on my own with my kids and he makes me feel guilty for going. I have to meet him everyday for his 2 hour lunch break or I get accused. I can send message proof if I have to

This is controlling, abusive behaviour. Get away from him. Get your children away from him. He is vile. Don't wait. Do it today.