Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

No to this relationship continuing on every level. The twattery of this dad is affecting everyone around him negatively.

Wow. Dad /partner needs to do some parenting

why was she suspended and allowed a sleepover

all this proof of stuff sounds controlling but I can see that you can show that abc was said

do you actually want this relationship to continue

@sandyhappypeopleyea it is kinda the maintenance. So basically she moved in with him last year. He doesn’t pay maintanve to the mother at all but neither does the mother to him. The both have one child each living with them. So the youngest daughter stays at his upto 8 nights a month, rest is the time she lives with her mum. The eldest when she lived with him wasn’t even visiting mum to begin with. So he claims UC and gets some money for her and basically uses this if he gets any/ or the maintenance he use to pay the mum as her allowance money. It’s not pocket money. It’s used so she can get clothes or to go out with her friends, bus to school. He’s basically saying you live with your mum the majority of the time it’s not my responsibility to then give you this allowance miney as she would then be responsible.

I get a lot of one to one with mine; we get every week night and school holidays because he won’t do the days out I do, we have our holidays just me and the kids too. And the youngest no doesn’t get any time as even if we aren’t there the eldest is and she said she never gets a look in. We don’t seee each other all week now because she moved in so he’s not able to stay

They sound a dreadful family. Your partner is unsupportive and will always side with his daughter over you (and, by the sound of it, the boys). You'd be better off without them all.

Holy hell!

As his daughter says - he has a lot on - run away from it all.

Him needing proof, you filming a child, long text exchanges... This is all too much.

Just leave!

As suspected, OP has left out the backstory to get some sympathy on this thread, as she didn't get what she expected from the previous thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/5355580-step-children-weekends-away-and-life

OP is resentful that "step daughter" has moved in full time with her dad. Because of this she and the Dad no longer get 8 weekends away a year by themselves as they used to (!) Why is this such a big deal you wonder? - "he enjoys dressing up in certain clothes and doing certain things which either we did together or he would be able to do at home, it makes him feel more himself, and it’s a sense of relief from life and things. We incorporate this into our time together but he cannot do these things because she lives there now and irs all on a back burner " !!!

Her other complaints include,
Dad can't take on his dream job as SD is gone full time
SD messages her dad to pick up snacks on the way home
Dad has to come back home at 10pm (shock and horror) for SD

Op has called SD vile, nasty, awful and hates the way she is

OP has repeatedly said her aim with previous thread is "I want to show him these posts and show him that other people agree he is allowing her to rule the roost " . No one in the last thread agreed with that view. So she's now started a new one.

@Stepchildrenarehardwork - stop trying to get the Dad to abandon his daughter. You can find another partner, but the child can't find another father

My god, is this the life you dreamed of as a little girl?

this relationship has turned you into a person who videos people for 'evidence'. A person who needs to change another person's child's behaviour in order to feel ok - is this who you want to be?

You can solve this whole situation immediately - by never going to his house again. And personally, I'd be reconsidering the relationship completely. No, that's a lie, I'd have dumped him the first time he asked for 'evidence'.

@shortoedtreecreeperwe are on suspension number 18 of this academic year

Unfortunately, and i'm speaking from experience, it will not get better, it will not change. She is daddy's girl, its his and her house, you are just the girlfriend and you are irrelevant. That will always be the case, she will always come first and you will always be in the wrong, even when you are not in the wrong. However nice you think she is to you it's an act, she will manipulate daddy every step of the way. I had years of this.

For goodness sakes, you should not have video'd her in her own home without her consent - and what's with the text messages when you were under the dame roof?

She lives there, you don't.

Don't stay overnight there again and reconsider this relationship. You could find someone who has no children, such people do exist.

That sounds nice, but you also say it was all great before she moved in. From her perspective it was probably a lot nicer before you and your kids moved in part time. You're competing with a child. You don't like her, you don't want her around, but it's your partners choice not yours. Don't get in the way of their relationship, encourage it. Hope it works out for you all.

@Blondeshavemorefun I said to not have the sleeeober due to the suspension but he was like she wasn’t my responsibility this week as she stayed with her mum so I can’t also punish.

I want to message the mum and let her know exactly what’s happened and why. And show her the messages xx

Absolutely.

You, your OH and your SD all sound awful. He is a controlling weirdo, your SD is inconsiderate and clearly hates you and you are videoing her and her friends to prove your point like some nosy neighbour and then posting screenshots of her messages online. It sounds miserable all round.

OP isn’t listening to the unanimous advice. Obviously she should leave but she’s not going to. Too addicted to the drama! It’s all ridiculous and immature.

Why do you want to stay in this relationship? The daughter is a red herring, she's just one means by which her father shows himself as the awful partner he is. And this situation isn't of her making.

The first issue here which im surprised nobody has raised is that she was suspended from school!! Why was she suspended and why on earth is he letting her have a sleepover when she clearly did something very bad to get suspended?!?!? This isn't a step daughter problem this is a lazy ass parent problem instead of disciplining her it sounds like he can't be bothered so let's her have a friend over for company so he can sit back and do nothing. The fact he only wants her to stay 4 nights a week so he doesn't have to pay maintenance screams it all so is essentially bribing her with 100 pound maintenance. YES she sounds disrespectful to be keeping ppl awake perhaps you are also a light sleeper but ur partner has clearly let her get away with things for ages this isn't going to go away so u need to look at ur options. Shes probably acting up for attention the fact shes saying u just don't want me here etc shows shes for issues. On a different note though no need to speak ur partner in the morning and record her just because ur partner has issues with trust u should have knocked on and said can u keep it down please uve just woken me up its time for bed girls. Who's the adult here ur a step parent with a minor if shes banging around until 6am YOU can also tell her to be quite

last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.

Well to be fair, she was in the kitchen early in the morning and you could have gone back to bed. I know you say she was 'banging around' but it's pretty difficult to do anything in a kitchen without banging and clattering.

And I certainly would not be creeping around at 11am and telling my kids to do the same, in order not to disturb a nocturnal teenager out of 'respect.' If she wants to be up half the night and in bed half the day then she needs to understand that normal family life will go on around her. If your partner expects you to 'respect' her sleeping in half the day by tiptoeing around then he's the issue, not her.

However, she sounds like an obnoxious madam and your partner sounds like an unsupportive twat who won't put boundaries in place. You say you don't want your relationship status dictated by a child, but this relationship sounds shit anyway. You need to record everything as he likes proof? So it's not the first time you've recorded things when complaining about his DD and he's in a constant battle of wills between the two of you? Regardless of who is right or wrong, it's an awful dynamic and as she hates you, nothing is going to change so what are you sticking around for when he's clearly never going to take your side when she's being unreasonable?

And if you sleep on the sofa he's going to accuse you of being up all night messaging other men? I think your problem isn't actually your partner's DD here. She's just an annoying fly on this turd of a relationship.

Exactly. OP doesn't want to take responsibility for her own life. She wants to change everyone else's and compete with the step daughter instead. If the daughter is getting suspended often and has issues, she obviously needs to be parented and needs help. She's only 14. Instead she has OP competing with her to "win".

I wouldn’t be treated that way and I’d expect my partner to trust me if I said something not expect evidence. Is the relationship worth it?

Yeah I’d just leave. The way I see it is that you have two options. One is leave. The other is accept that her father won’t stand up to her and that this is how things are. I know which option I’d prefer and also, you need to consider your own kids and I shouldn’t think growing up in such a toxic environment is any good for them.

Also if my teen DD was having a sleepover, they get told at midnight to keep the noise down. At 1am if there is still noise then the guest child(ren)’s parents get called to come and get them. (Or at least, that is what I threaten them with. I’ve never actually had to follow through because they will shut up at that point.) Not suggesting you should have done that OP, it’s her father’s place to do that.

It's not a fight except that between you it's turned into one where no one's going to "win".

Frankly, cut your losses, this is a shambles.

So much wrong with this. Firstly, he asks for "proof"? What? Weird. Secondly you shouldn't have been sneakily recording her in her own home. How intrusive. Thirdly the way she's talking to you is shocking. What a junpwd up little madam. I'd leave this relationship.

Yeah, what they ^ all said up there.
But, side issue I know, but why was she allowed a sleepover if she’s been suspended from school?

I just read this and see you have children.

This is not a good relationship, you don't need it. Your boyfriend's daughter is not your stepchild, you are not married and don't even live together.

End it.