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Messages from step child

669 replies

Stepchildrenarehardwork · 29/06/2025 22:53

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

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Bella5C · 30/06/2025 08:09

Stepchildrenarehardwork · 29/06/2025 23:42

@Loadsapandasno this is what I was saying I never worded it like that.

I said to him she is putting into a position that because she doesn’t like to be told off or be told what to do that she is pushing him ultimately to choose her over me, and that’s fine she’s his kid and that is what he will have to do. That she is the one putting him in this position no one else.

so if he has gone back and said to her Sophie said it’s you or her. As he is good at doing that and making out like he doesn’t stir the pot between us as it’s happened before

Your partner is the problem here from all angles and you and his daughter are both being manipulated to believe it’s her or you. You’ve listed countless abusive and coercive behaviours from him and he’s getting away with it all as you and his daughter focus on either of you being the problem.

PopeJoan2 · 30/06/2025 08:09

Now It sounds as though you are taking out all your frustration with him on the 14 year old and she is reacting.

MellowPinkDeer · 30/06/2025 08:10

She sounds absolutely vile and I wouldn’t stay there any more. Your partner sounds ridiculous that he allows her to talk to people and behave this way.

arcticpandas · 30/06/2025 08:10

Oh dear. I would def leave this relationship. Horrible sd and horrible dp who needs "proof" when you say sth. Horrible for your children to be around this shit show. You have a house, just leave them. He's shit at parenting allowing a sleep over when she has got suspended and she will only get worse due to lack of proper parenting.

Couldyounot · 30/06/2025 08:10

I don't understand why you would willingly involve yourself with this dreadful family. They all sound completely messed up.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 30/06/2025 08:11

You have a far bigger problem here than this girl.
Her father sounds bloody unhinged. You have to meet him at lunch. He suspects you of cheating. You aren’t allowed to see friends and family at weekends.
You are being abused, and you are allowing your children to stay in a home where there is abuse. They may not know exactly what is happening, but that is no excuse.
They deserve a mum who is free to enjoy her life with them included in that, around wider family and friends meeting a mix of people, not shoehorned into this shit show.
Your only option is to leave, there are no solutions, and who is he going to tell if he has no friends and family? He’s messing with your head.
No wonder the daughter is a mess.
Please don’t defend him because what he is doing to you is hideous, having you traipse about after him.

MzHz · 30/06/2025 08:11

Stepchildrenarehardwork · 30/06/2025 07:42

@TheMeasurebevause he’s too scared to say no to her because then she will kick off, cause issues and be horrid to him.

And this IS MORE THAN ENOUGH REASON for you to end it

and don’t give us this “oh then she’s won” bollocks.

this isn’t a game, it’s your kids childhood! LET HER. LET HIM.

let her be obnoxious, let him be a weak dad. Let her fail, let him fuck it up with his own kid. Not your business

but your kids are stuck in this mess and it’s fucking them up.

get the fuck out of this situation asap, go home, stay home and message who the fuck you want. Just not this guy or his dd.

okydokethen · 30/06/2025 08:11

I think she has a point about being recorded in her home, it’s weird and confrontational. Sleepovers are just that - sleep is over, really annoying but perfectly average.

Gloriia · 30/06/2025 08:12

You shouldn't have recorded anything and you shouldn't have got into a text argument with a teen.

Stay at your own home next time she has a sleepover. It's up to her df how he handles her behaviour.

cryptide · 30/06/2025 08:13

yestothat · 29/06/2025 23:07

I think it’s really odd you filmed her and told her it’s because her dad likes to have proof of everything and so he didn’t accuse you of sleeping downstairs for a different reason

Don't you find it odder that he habitually asks for proof of what he is told?

MyUmberSeal · 30/06/2025 08:13

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Gloriia · 30/06/2025 08:14

okydokethen · 30/06/2025 08:11

I think she has a point about being recorded in her home, it’s weird and confrontational. Sleepovers are just that - sleep is over, really annoying but perfectly average.

It's really odd and so intrusive.

manicpixieschemegirl · 30/06/2025 08:15

Weetabix11 · 30/06/2025 07:26

As suspected, OP has left out the backstory to get some sympathy on this thread, as she didn't get what she expected from the previous thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/5355580-step-children-weekends-away-and-life

OP is resentful that "step daughter" has moved in full time with her dad. Because of this she and the Dad no longer get 8 weekends away a year by themselves as they used to (!) Why is this such a big deal you wonder? - "he enjoys dressing up in certain clothes and doing certain things which either we did together or he would be able to do at home, it makes him feel more himself, and it’s a sense of relief from life and things. We incorporate this into our time together but he cannot do these things because she lives there now and irs all on a back burner " !!!

Her other complaints include,
Dad can't take on his dream job as SD is gone full time
SD messages her dad to pick up snacks on the way home
Dad has to come back home at 10pm (shock and horror) for SD

Op has called SD vile, nasty, awful and hates the way she is

OP has repeatedly said her aim with previous thread is "I want to show him these posts and show him that other people agree he is allowing her to rule the roost " . No one in the last thread agreed with that view. So she's now started a new one.

@Stepchildrenarehardwork - stop trying to get the Dad to abandon his daughter. You can find another partner, but the child can't find another father

Eww. So OP is raging that SD is getting in the way of her and her partner’s weird sex life? The dysfunction here is absolutely off the scale. Poor kids.

PopeJoan2 · 30/06/2025 08:16

cryptide · 30/06/2025 08:13

Don't you find it odder that he habitually asks for proof of what he is told?

Show quote history

Op didn’t actually say that. What she said was that her dp always believes his daughter so she has to provide proof (of her own volition, not because he asked her to).

Gloriia · 30/06/2025 08:17

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What a way for talk about a school kid Confused.

Whatever problems she may have regarding behaviour I don't think filming her or you calling her a 'skank' is acceptable tbh.

cryptide · 30/06/2025 08:18

Cardinalita90 · 29/06/2025 23:39

It doesn't seem like you're married to her dad, or living with him full time, so I'd say you ought to leave all difficult conversations or discipline to him. You shouldn't be filming her either, that's a violation in her home.

She does sound a nightmare but I think unfortunately if you don't like her behaviour, don't stay at his. Also sounds like she needs to go back to school and learn what punctuation is 🙄

OP wasn't filming her, she wasn't in the same room. She was recording the noise.

dogcatkitten · 30/06/2025 08:18

Stepchildrenarehardwork · 29/06/2025 23:12

@healthybychristmasbyt then she wins. And she carries on getting what she wants. Like she wants to stay at ger mums part of the week and he said well that’s fine but if he’s 4 nights then i won’t be giving you £100 allowance anymore. So she said fine I won’t stay 4 nights. She is getting everyrbinf she wants. And has now sent all this to her friend so their mum is kicking off xx

What do you get out of this relationship? It sounds really hard work you have to prove things to your partner (that he really should just take your word for, why would he think you would be lying?), are in competition with his daughter for his affection and are concerned about what both of them say or will say about you. Just leave who cares what they say, and who cares if she wins, what do you win if she loses in this competition? You win more by just getting out, you know she will be the third party in this relationship forever, she's not going anywhere and he will (rightly) never prefer you to his daughter.

diddl · 30/06/2025 08:19

He's a thoroughly nasty piece of work & yet you take your kids there!

Wise up & get out!

MyUmberSeal · 30/06/2025 08:19

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cryptide · 30/06/2025 08:20

Why does your partner reward his daughter with a sleepover after being suspended, OP? I'd be absolutely furious about that and would be grounding her and not letting her friends stay over.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/06/2025 08:20

Stepchildrenarehardwork · 30/06/2025 08:04

@PopeJoan2no I have not trained them and punish them. They are loud kids but they also no to respect other people as this is a big thing they have been taught. We have a rule in my house to quietly be in our rooms until 7.30 school days and 9 weekends to all wake up nicely and show we respect others maybe sleeping. Not saying they have always been good at it, but we will talk through a bad morning and we will apologise to the rest of the house and move on. It’s not something I feel they should be punished for.

hw can’t control his daughter as he doesn’t want, he wants her to be his best friend and to want to live there so he can make our he is the perfect parent to everyone. I am not allowed to see my friends/family on a Friday or Saturday we are to spend it together, I go away on my own with my kids and he makes me feel guilty for going. I have to meet him everyday for his 2 hour lunch break or I get accused. I can send message proof if I have to

Why are you with this dysfunctional man and his equally dysfunctional family? Is that what you want your own children surrounded by? You don’t have to “win” against a schoolchild or give tuppence if he says you split up because of the children.

Honestly better men are available. You and your children deserve better than this soap opera.

Chiconbelge · 30/06/2025 08:22

yestothat · 29/06/2025 23:07

I think it’s really odd you filmed her and told her it’s because her dad likes to have proof of everything and so he didn’t accuse you of sleeping downstairs for a different reason

This

Gloriia · 30/06/2025 08:23

cryptide · 30/06/2025 08:20

Why does your partner reward his daughter with a sleepover after being suspended, OP? I'd be absolutely furious about that and would be grounding her and not letting her friends stay over.

Edited

It'd up to the parent isn't it. The op doesn't doesn't live with him so it's none of her business how he parents.

She should dump him, not subject her own kids to this set up and stay in her own home.

JustASmallBear · 30/06/2025 08:23

Stepchildrenarehardwork · 30/06/2025 08:04

@PopeJoan2no I have not trained them and punish them. They are loud kids but they also no to respect other people as this is a big thing they have been taught. We have a rule in my house to quietly be in our rooms until 7.30 school days and 9 weekends to all wake up nicely and show we respect others maybe sleeping. Not saying they have always been good at it, but we will talk through a bad morning and we will apologise to the rest of the house and move on. It’s not something I feel they should be punished for.

hw can’t control his daughter as he doesn’t want, he wants her to be his best friend and to want to live there so he can make our he is the perfect parent to everyone. I am not allowed to see my friends/family on a Friday or Saturday we are to spend it together, I go away on my own with my kids and he makes me feel guilty for going. I have to meet him everyday for his 2 hour lunch break or I get accused. I can send message proof if I have to

OP, can you hear yourself?

This is abusive. You're in an abusive relationship where this man is using coercive control to make you toe the line.

You're not allowed to see friends and family on certain days. You have to meet him for two hours every day otherwise he'll accuse you of seeing other men. And this is where you've got used to proving to him via filming etc. that you're not up to anything.

Open your eyes! You're so obsessed with his daughter, you can't see what an awful, abusive man this is.

His issues around being cheated on in the past, and the feelings he has around being adopted, are not your problems to mitigate by allowing him to treat you like this, and by toeing the line with what he wants.

You seem clued up on past relationships, and also sound like an otherwise great mum to your boys. But this relationship is abusive, and you're teaching your sons how to behave as men as they see the way your partner is, and see you accepting it, see you competing for a man's attention and are learning that this is how things are.

They're in danger of treating their own girlfriends and partners in the future the way this man treats you.

OneMintWasp · 30/06/2025 08:24

Your partner is the problem. Step child is as much a victim. She wants to stay with her mum more but he threatens her with a loss of her money/ bribes her to stay. That's disgusting.
You have to provide evidence of her behaviour before he decides which one of you he is going to believe. That's a bad for her as it is for you.
If you dont stay with him he will spread lies about you. All of this smacks of coercive control. Poor you but more so poor step daughter who knows every ounce of support or love she gets from her dad is based on bribing her to stay with money or video evidence of her behaviour. Your playing right into his control.

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