Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

This sounds a whole unhealthy mess.
If her dad insists on proof then it would seem like he doesn't trust you.
Is it the same conditions for her..? Does she have to provide proof?
And she can't be doing well at English lessons..not one sentence or punctuation in all that ranting txt

He sounds awful and controlling, not just to you but to his daughter. Red flags galore! Move on!

I think the worst part of this is that you had to get proof so that he didn't accuse you of sleeping downstairs for a different reason. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

Gosh that is not normal, he sounds toxic. So does his DD (unsurprising).

Get yourself out of it all - you shouldn’t have to record everything for proof and you should be able to go and ask her to be quiet!!

This doesn't ring alarm bells that your in an unhealthy relationship.
You had to film her to prove why you were downstairs
He doesn't just take your word for it
Why are you not running for the hills
Major red flags waving in the wind ,and your just waving back
Bizarre indeed

This man is the problem not the daughter. She is an obnoxious 14 Yr old, that's just how some of them are at that age. He is playing you off against a child, he is parenting your boys and you can't parent his DD but you can be her domestic slave.

Honestly, bin him. Get some friends, do the freedom program and get some counselling for you before you date again.

So, he needs proof that you're not downstairs messaging other men? And you're punishing your own kids when they make a noise and wake her up before 11am? I would take the hint from her and not go back. The whole situation sounds beyond crazy.

When I read the text message it says the younger daughters name ,then changes . hopefully no one else can see that

How old is the child who had the sleepover? If you don't live in the house but just stay there sometimes, I don't think you really should be communicating directly with her if there's a problem, unless it's something very minor and easily fixable; it should go through her dad. He needs to understand and care that his being too tired to parent negatively impacts others.

More importantly, though: is this really a relationship you want to continue? This person distrusts you greatly and accuses you of infidelity for no reason, and because of this you are being manipulated into doing things you know are not right (or you wouldn't be so upset, and wouldn't have to ask about them here). Don't stay in a bad relationship because you don't have friends or a social life and your kids like his house, and don't put up with abuse from your partner because you're "scarred" from other relationships. Get help if you need it, but don't waste your life like this.

It’s not about the SD “winning” , Have some self respect and get out of this toxic situation.

The partner doesn’t sound like a great role model for your sons.

Concentrate on providing a healthy, safe and secure environment for your own boys in your own home.

Get out of this situation.
No-one needs this in their life.

Yes who the fuck cares what he says?

also it’s not because he has kids it’s because he is unable / unwilling to parent them

Can’t get over that a child who was suspended is then allowed a sleepover. This kind of parenting REALLY gets on my nerves.

Shite parenting aside, this is clearly toxic and your children should not be around it. Period.

Agree with pp that your partner is the problem. You and her and him should be having this conversation together! There’s too much distance between her and you and the texting is bizarre.

There's so much wrong with this. You needed evidence why you slept downstairs. His daughter doesn't respect you and texts as though she's in charge you say you don't want to leave because then she wins and he will tell people its because he has kids who cares?? Is it just a toxic battle for her dad rather than a healthy relationship? I would leave and have absolutely no qualms about telling people he lets his children behave in a way that doesn't support a relationship

This OP. Raise your standards for you and your kids. Have some self respect. This man and his family aren’t worth it. It’s much better to be single than in this relationship.

Your poor children having to uproot themselves every weekend to live with your horrible boyfriend and his children.
Put your children first End this toxic and abusive relationship with this useless man.
Do not go back!

Your main reason for not leaving him is he would tell people it is because he has kids.

1. You have been together 5 years so would anyone believe that ?

2. You have said neither of you have any friends and his only family is his sister so who would he be telling?

3. Why does it matter anyway?

You can not win this if he refuses to parent her. You have zero currency with this girl, she won’t do what you reasonably ask, she denies things if you tell him what she’s done, but the worse thing is that he doesn’t believe you and demands proof.

when the dc are not involved your relationship works, but you have at least another 8 years of this and I assure you the teenage years will get worse before they get better. You have some decisions to make and some discussions. My starting point would be not to sleep over while she’s there. But ultimately if this is making things so hard, is it working for you.

What a toxic situation.

Also I assume you are a grown woman, being concerned that this girl child will 'win' or not is incredibly immature.

I think you need to get to a place where you don’t care what he chooses to tell other people about the reasons for a split. (He’s trying to keep you by manipulating you - wowww. No Prince Charming). Once you don’t care about what other people think, you’ll feel free to get yourself out of the situation. It only spells more stress - he doesn’t sound at all capable of managing his daughter who, let’s face it, has been noisy on purpose because she’s angry and wants to start trouble.
If his reaction to the prospect of you leaving had been different the advice would be different but he is not a keeper,OP - he just doesn’t want to be single.

So if she was suspended from school she behaves badly there too?Agree with the others he should after 5 years trust you , or anyway trust you, it's not normal to demand proof of step daughters bad behaviour.Don't put up with it.
If you carry on seeing him, go out .when you.meet,keep away from step daughter.
Like others have said it's him who is not parenting.
Do you want someone like that,?Yes he should put her first but he's allowing her to be rude and dictate what happems at his place.
Probably you wasting your prescious time on him.
He doesn't sound good in a crisis, if you needed help from him.

He is infantising you by ‘wanting proof’. He doesn’t trust you. This isn’t a relationship. His daughter is a mirror of his attitude towards you. You are nothing more than a shag piece in this scenario.