Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

Calling children "disgusting" says a lot about you - none of it good.

@Alliod40 I take home double his monthly salary, and I pay for alll the weekends away etc. why should I miss out on our evenings, company and someone who’s been through my shit with me the last 5 years is what I am
meaninh

Too much hard work. No way would any man have me acting out of character by filming a teenager in her own home , because he "needs proof" to ask her about her behaviour if it negatively affects me.
She's rude. However, it IS her home and her behaviour did not seem to disturb those who lived there. I can see with her teenage mind, weirdo father how her thinking makes sense.
I'd leave them all to it. "Love" comes down the list after shared outlook/standards/principles when it comes to manifesting a functional , respectful relationship with little or no need for petty/borderline behaviour.
Man's ( as the "youth" would say) has got you out here like a Peeping Tom of the non sexual variety.
Leave this poppy show alone.

Where was he when all the noise was happening? Why didn’t he hear it himself?

Yeah, you’re right to feel upset. Being woken up at 2am and then again at 5am isn’t okay, especially when you're trying to keep the peace and be respectful. It’s not about starting drama it’s just about everyone having basic respect for each other in the house
The video wasn’t meant to be weird it was just proof, because your partner asked for it. That alone says something about the trust situation, which isn’t fair to you
Her message was defensive, and yeah, a bit disrespectful. But she's still young, probably reacting out of emotion, and might not fully understand how her actions affect others yet.

It sounds like your partner needs to help set clearer rules and back you up more — not just leave you to deal with it or doubt what you're saying.
Psa;
You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do. And you’re not asking for much — just some peace and mutual respect. That’s t
otally fair.

She is suspended and still allowed a sleepover, great discipline dad!

Well that's fair enough then..its hard work with kids at that age especially girls with their dads..if you really love him like you do,stick with it but I'd be sitting down with them both and sorting this out somehow,good luck though x

She's clearly being disrespectful and unfair. But
it's also a tough age, and if she feels like
she's not being heard, she lashes out.
Maybe your partner could help set some
clear house rules or expectations next
time, so it doesn't turn into you vs. her.

Because the relationship you have now is horrible. What it was like in the past is irrelevant.

Your best chance of replicating whatever it is you’re missing is to dump this toxic loser and start over.

As PP have noted, your behaviour signifies either previous abuse, maybe a shit childhood, or some kind of personality disorder.

My advice is to dump the bloke, get stuck into some serious counselling for yourself and look to a drama free future.

She sounds awful - & clearly gets suspended from school a lot judging by her poor literacy skills! Does your partner not trust you, that he asks for PROOF? I think that's unacceptable - you shouldn't have to prove anything to your partner. Also, why has he implicated you in his mess? He didn't have to show her your video - he should have known that would start something. I think I would run a mile from the pair of them!

Honestly your partner sounds toxic, his daughters sound like they are being failed by both parents.

Honestly, his need for proof is controlling and unhealthy. He also seems to be treating you as a meal ticket. You are together five years and he still needs proof. How can you be in a relationship with someone who does not trust you?

I think that you need to remove your boys from this toxic mess. Please do not let them grow up in this home thinking all this is normal. You need to put them first.

In regards to the recording I do think that it was out of order. His daughter rightly has an assumption of privacy in her own home. Your partner need for proof does not override this

I agree with this. It's wrong to video her and wrong to publish the private conversation you had with her.
How old is she? The relationship seems toxic. And I think the pair of you are acting like adolescents. You obviously dislike each other a lot!
There shouldn't be a competition about who wins. Its an extremely unhealthy relationship all round and If you can't come to an agreement that suits everyone you should stay in your own home with your children.

What a disgusting threat! He's basically saying if you leave him, he'll make everyone think you're a spoiled ahole. I think you expecting someone to be quiet when you're sleeping in a common area is ridiculous.
SD has a bad attitude, but so do you and your 'partner' is acting like your father, asking you for proof like you're a dishonest child 🤮

Everything about this situation sucks for everybody in it, get out and leave them to their misery.

Also, grow up.

She isn’t your biggest problem. He is.

He has isolated you from your friends/support network.

You feel you have to resort to unusual means to prove to him that what you say is true.

He suspects that you are messaging other men if you spend one night on the sofa, when there is a perfectly plausible reason for this.

You earn twice as much as him and fund his lifestyle.

I don’t know whether his inability to hear the racket last night is actually gaslighting. Noise so loud that you have to relocate to a less comfortable place to sleep and he claims he heard nothing.

Yes, he’s been around for the last 5 years, but I’m not sure he’s as nice a person as all that.

You deserve better.

Why? Because he's never going to change. You'll be dealing with his DD's behaviour and their 'shit' forever. The fact that you're complaining about it (rightfully IMHO) shows that deep down you are not happy with things as they stand.

Personally, I'd end things no matter how many evenings, company, etc there have been. It wouldn't be worth the frustration and anger I felt when there were 'incidents' with his DD.

But if you don't want to end things, then you need to 'compartmentalize' the relationship away from his DD. See him only when she's not around.

i would just back off from the whole thing @Stepchildrenarehardwork

I would suggest just staying at yours going forward and dating your DP. However, he sounds controlling. You’ve had to dump all your friends for him. You need to show him proof that you slept on the sofa because of the noise, and weren’t messaging “someone else”.

You have been trained to expect to show him proof. That’s not normal.

Hes a freeloader, you are earning double his wages.

He has no friends. And now, due to his influence, neither do you.

This relationship sounds toxic. Bin him off. So what if his daughter “wins”? He’s no prize!!

Just imagine a nice quiet peaceful life with your lovely boys. No drama. No unpleasantness. No nasty texts and trying to justify yourself to him or his daughter.

I know what life I would choose.

@Stepchildrenarehardwork

And what @AgnethaF said!!!

You're not allowed to see you're friends/family on a Friday or Saturday as you are to spend it together, you can't go away on you're own with your kids and he makes you feel guilty for going. you have to meet him every day for his 2 hour lunch break or you get accused. He won't let you sleep on the sofa in case you're messaging other men, he won't let you see your friends, he insists on proof when you tell him she is rude to you then retreats when the shit hits the fan and he lets you fund his social life.

You have a partner problem.

OP forget all the shit about the step daughter and the fact that he won't parent her properly. This is a man who is controlling your life and you don't seem to see that as a problem? Why do you want to continue a relationship with a man like that?

you shouldn't have to provide evidence of why you wanted to sleep downstairs.

he can't stop you seeing friends and family

he is accusing you of cheating, and makes you meet him every day for lunch

He is 100% controlling and abusive.

Forget the SD, just end the relationship and don't look back.

This!!! What an awful man. Controlling and creepy.

Leave him to the daughter and rejoin the sane world of family and friends.

I assume all of you are adults? If so, as an adult, why didn't you just go into the kitchen and ask your step daughter to keep the noise down? And if you could not do that, why didn't you wake your partner and ask him to do so? And also, your adult partner asked you for proof of the disturbance by his daughter which you were able to produce because you had recorded?

The lot of you sound so immature and unsuited to living in the same house. Or even visiting to stay over, actually.

Get out of it why are you choosing to live in such a toxic environment. This is 'abuse. I've been in your shoes and packed up and gone home shut the door. Tears for a while and then woke up.and reminded myself I am worthy of so much more. Get him to come and stay with you if yours if your adamant you still want him
If he has youngsters he could bring them along