Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

I am struggling to understand why people put themselves through this- leave them to it

My conclusions:

You come across as a dreadful step-parent.

Your other half comes across as a dreadful 'partner' and father.

Poor kids.

I wish grownups wouldn't blame their kids for their appalling relationship decisions. Step daughter is the problem, can't leave because my kids love him (the equivalent of "he's a good dad" for when he's not their dad), whatever.

You can choose a fucked up relationship because it satisfies whatever in you when you don't have kids. Once you have, you need to stop. You may have consented to the dysfunction because it makes you feel wanted or he may have consented to it for whatever it satisfies in him, but the kids didn't and none of this was their choice.

Whatever you do, you don't look good—sadly. So screw everything and run away.
Leave the monkey to its circus.

Exactly this

Your partner sounds problematic.

Good grief it all sounds like a storyline in Eastenders!

Do what’s right for your own children. This sounds like a load of unnecessary drama to me. I’d be back in my own peaceful home leaving them to it. If he wants to visit so be it but at least you’d have a final say in who gets to stay.

This wouldn’t be your SD winning it would be you making mature decisions for the best outcome for your own kids.

I think you’ve been brainwashed that “we’re all a family” means you have to put up with all this BS without complaining.

And I’d enjoy the weekend on my own too TBH.

Open your eyes.

Nothing matters other than getting away from a controlling, abusive man.

Your children will benefit in the long run because this creep is no role model. Surely you don't want your sons turning out like him and treating women this way?

Kick them both out

Absolute piss takers the two of them.
How dare a child send such a rude message to an adult, then you replied pleading your case?!

I'd have told the kid to have some fucking respect! And your fella demanding proof his daughter woke you up?! you lot all filming eachother to catch eachother out...fuck that for a supposed 'family'.

Frankly I think you'd be way better off staying in your own house and blocking him and his foul daughter. Neither of them even remotely respect you.

This won’t get any better. I’d finish the relationship

I feel so sorry for this girl and the other kids stuck in the middle of your weird toxic relationship. You won’t do the right thing and leave and there will be another thread in a few weeks.

I'd have told the kid to have some fucking respect!

This. So the way to earn and get respect is to cuss and demand it? 🙄 Respect is led by example, earned and should be two way.

Nothing respectful in causing drama, lying in responses and ‘splitting’ the behaviour of children as all good or all bad.

OP needs to kick herself out… this all happened in their home 🏡 . Suspect OP won’t reply again as clearly wanted corroboration not advice or alternative perspective. Won’t listen to anyone who doesn’t agree with her 100%.

Of their own home?

But they're not under the OP's roof, this has all happened at her partner's home.

These two adults don't even treat each other respectfully. They are no way capable of modelling or explaining a healthy family dynamic. The teenager is obviously behaving badly but she's crying out for help. I can't imagine how it feels to know that your parent doesn't want you, the only boost to your self-worth being that your dad might choose you over his girlfriend (who is an emotional wreck anyway).

Sounds like you have hit the jackpot op -
Shit partner, controlling (doesn't let you have friends) and you had to video the noise his daughter made or he would believe you - like wtf
Shit parent, sounds like he only had her staying so that he doesn't have to pay maintenance and gets UC and he's a typical Disney dad.
I'm not sure what you see in him but I would be rethinking it asap!

I am glad you seem to have decided to end this, @Stepchildrenarehardwork - I agree with all the posters who have said this is a toxic relationship.

Do you want your son, who ‘adores’ this man, to grow up and treat his partners the way this man has treated you?

The post says she's been suspended though, so there is an existing problem

No, you aren't going to 'destroy' your child by saying you aren't seeing him any more. What is absolutely damaging your child is being raised to believe that the unhealthy and controlling relationship you are exposing him to is 'normal'. Because now, it IS his 'normal' Whether this 'destroys' him or not is up to you.
You don't think that watching you engaging in some kind of sick competition with a child for her fathers love and attention is worse than removing him from that environment? An environment where you are filming a child and engaging in tit for tat messages and seem to buy everyones attention?

Just stop. Or, if you want to continue repeating the same behaviours, have your resentment over his child build and build, at least leave your kids out of it

@Stepchildrenarehardwork As a children and families social worker I am shocked that there is not already social work involvement with this family. My main concern would be the eldest daughter, I feel really sorry for her. Her behaviour is indicative of a chaotic homelife, poor parenting and God knows what else that you haven't shared. You said her mum doesn't want her there full time and neither does her dad. Just awful parents,imagine how that must feel for her and don't kid yourself that she hasn't picked up on it. Her dad tries to bribe her. She has had one holiday her whole life, which she must have been so excited about and she isn't allowed anymore because she wanted everything her own way. Hardly surprising given it was her first holiday. Her step mother talks about her winning,calls her awful names online and shares her personal texts. You haven't even attempted to anonymise it, she is called Sophie and her sister Jessica. Appalling. Her father does not offer her structure, routine, boundaries or discipline, as evidenced in your previous posts. All children need all these things to thrive and she is given none of them but your surprised she is out of control. The poor girl behaving the way she is is a symptom of the problem not the root cause. The problem is her parents and you. You understand you are in abusive relationship with a man you do not live with and is not the father of your children. You choose to stay and to expose your own children to this abusive relationship. Contact womens aid. Prioritise your children's welfare. You sound extremely emotionally immature and your boyfriend is a pathetic lover who has contributed to damaging his children.

I wouldn't have replied by text, id have spoken to her with her dad there.

Dump his backside and report them all to social services. This is parental neglect - They are failing to intervene on deviant behaviour. It will be seen as a future risk of harm, and a current risk.

You don't need this. He's just walking all over you, and so are his disgusting kids. No wonder she's been expelled. I would call the school and tell them what life is like at home, she's not disciplined, the Father is neglecting in his duty to challenge her behaviour, and he will not believe anyone unless the child is recorded. Massive safeguarding issues here. This child stands no chance at bettering themselves and will end up in prison. I work with these types of families.

Just an observation here..is this man wealthy by any chance ?? You say why should I lose out just because she's a brat ? I cam only assume you mean lose out on the good times as in holidays or financially because you damn well don't seem to be getting anything else from this relationship ?????