Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

And then they grow up, have kids, and so the cycle continues, and another generation gets drawn into this toxic world of abuse and manipulation.

Ah, sorry, I apologise.

I think you will be happier without the pair of them, OP. Any man who needs proof for him to believe you, isn't worth it.

You're not going to leave him so I've no idea why you have posted on here, throughout this thread all of your responses have been to blame the daughter, your boyfriend but nothing about you and your behavior.
I really hope that at some point in the not too distant future you have a lightbulb moment and realise everything that is wrong with your relationship with this man and you find the strength to walk away and live your live with your children in a normal, calm, peaceful way.
Take your head out of your bum and put your children first.

I've read all your posts, @Stepchildrenarehardwork and think this is a controlling relationship that you're hopefully on the way out of. Both your partner and his child are showing your children that their mum is untrustworthy, can't make her own decisions, isn't worthy of being listened to and believed etc. It's coercive control that you're not allowed to see friends, must spend the weekend with him etc.
Please get out of that relationship and get some help to develop your own self esteem and confidence. You don't need this man in your life, and it's not promoting a positive relationship dynamic for your children.
The stepchild sounds to need a ton of boundaries. She's testing boundaries everywhere because she doesn't have clear ones at home. Suspension 18 of the academic session is crazy. She's probably been out of school more than she has been there. What's the reward for her being suspended? Time with dad, who lets her away with stuff and lets her run the show? No wonder she is playing the game of let's get suspended from a place with rules where she's not in charge.

@JustASmallBear sadly you’re right. Totally agree.

You see your SD as being “in the way” of your relationship with your boyfriend because when she’s there you two can’t carry on with your fetishes, dressing up in “certain clothes”. You’ve put yourself in competition with her “but then she’ll win”. The whole thing is bizarre. You didn’t have to go downstairs to sleep, the noise wasn’t loud enough to wake anyone else up, but you wanted to make a point.

If SD goes to live with her mum full time, that money he gives to her should be going to the mother as child maintenance. He shouldn’t just stop paying it.

I’m not saying that SD’s behaviour is great btw, just that it isn’t your place to be involved with parenting her and you shouldn’t be battling with her via your boyfriend.

Maybe use your time away by yourself to think about what you really want in life for you and your kids.

They will be being damaged by what they see in this relationship even if you don't think so. Maybe get some counselling to see why you are prepared to stay in such a toxic situation.

As for your SD, if she is on her 18th suspension and her father is not prepared to do anything about it then I really fear for her future.

This poor, poor girl.

She is a child.

She is not your love rival.

Your relationship with your partner has a lot that needs examining on both sides that suggests it is not healthy from either of you (breathalysing and rules from you; recordings and rules from him) BUT ultimately you are adults and you both have a duty of care and you need to be an adult.

Of course this child is acting out. Her father is making it apparent he does not want her (except financially... you are I'm sorry to say weasel wording on this.. it is not an allowance, it is child support) which is the worst possible thing. And you clearly delineate between your children and her despite 5 years together. And her living arrangements are deeply unstable.

You come across as very emotionally damaged, which I am sorry for. This is not a criticism and I am not a professional but have you or your partner ever explored a borderline or narcissistic personality disorder or had treatment for mental health issues? I think you could really benefit from some help.

Please, please, please think about what would have helped you as a teenager to become a self-reliant adult rather than the woman you are today. Perhaps seeing her as your younger self might enable you to be empathetic and think from her perspective.

Please be kind to her, and be kind to yourself, to stop this pattern repeating itself for your kids and his. You may I think need to step away for that to be possible.

One final thing. The fact that you talk about her 'winning' really troubles me. Positioning her as someone who needs to fight for her father's affection - which should be unassailable - makes me really worried for her and your children's relationships with men/women in the future. If you can't model it for her, please do it for your own children.

I wish her love and you the bravery to see what you have done wrong and to try to repair it - that would really be being the adult and triumphing, walking away with your head held high.

Don’t you have any friends?

The hyperbole about “destroying my son” is just giving yourself an excuse. This isn’t a viable relationship. It’s a shitshow.

Who cares what he tells people. Never mind the daughter, the fact you have to record things for "proof" is so weird. Just leave them to it and let him tell people what he wants.

Agree totally. OP's posted because she's going to cherry pick replies that back up her views and try to show it as evidence to her partner that she is in the right.
I feel very sorry for all the kids involved in this toxic mess of a relationship. About time these "adults" started parenting properly. First step is to end the relationship, you are both shockingly selfish parents.

run run very fast

Incredible post 👏 firm but fair, compassionate and 💯 on the money.

Yes to be honest the tit for tat messaging seems immature. You need to be the grown up here. You seem very bogged down in it all. Take an objective look at the relationship you have with your partner and he has with his daughter. It all sounds pretty dysfunctional. I can understand why a teen would react like that to the video. It doesn't sound like anyone is making great decisions here. If you want to be the real grownup here it's probably time to walk away.

He needs to be sorting out and spending lots of time with her to get to the bottom of the suspensions. Both her parents do as something is obviously going on.

i would discuss with her face to face.
When sitting down to eat, have a discssion with your husband present,,,,,and discuss this issue calmy.
Inform husband of this prior to it happening and ask that you get the support from him that you need.
No need for arguement, no need for name calling - a calm discussion about respect for others when under your roof.

Oh give over.

He is either as bad as you say he is, in which case you are willingly exposing your children to an abuser of women who think it is normal to control everything you do, who you see and when, threaten you if you try to leave and control you to the point that you have no friends or life outside him.. you seem to recognise all that and have no problem telling people how awful he is, so it doesn't ring true that you would stay or willingly expose your children to him when you have a perfectly fine house away from him that you can choose to stay in.

Or he is not as bad as everything you say and you are trying to garner sympathy for yourself after being told that making him choose between yourself and his daughter is out of order.

Either way it does not look good on you OP, don't blame your children for staying in this shitshow, you are CHOOSING to stay in this relationship at the expense of all the children exposed to this mess.

They aren't married. They don't live together.

At this stage the op needs to back off and leave parenting to her boyfriend.

If they move in together that is when she gets to be involved in rules and behaviour.

Your BF is a terrible dad, he doesn’t have any boundaries, he gives her money as a bribe to keep living with him, as he wants to get one over on his ex, he lets her have a sleepover as a reward for being suspended for the 18th time because, frankly my dear, he doesn’t give a damn!
His daughter knows she can do as she wants because her dad doesn’t give a shit, the only time he says anything to her, is because you have issues with her behaviour and nag him to tell her off and he makes sure she knows that. He is the one creating issues between you both!
He doesn’t care about his daughter as he would rein her in.
He doesn’t care about you or bothered about your feelings.
He only cares that he isn’t paying maintenance to his ex!
Stop whinging about a man who doesn’t give a flying fuck about you, stop trying to tell him how to raise his daughter, he isn’t interested in being a good parent.

This!

I actually feel sorry for the girl, it's very clear from your posts that you don't like her. You had a perfect life, with your perfect angel children until 'she' moved in. And she is very aware those are your thoughts towards her.
But then when she wants to stay with her mum, her dad punishes her by withholding allowance!

Your partner is also clearly not father or partner of the year. I think everybody would be better off if you separate.

ETA.. recording her is not reasonable, neither is the tit for tat messages. You're the adult, she's only a child.

You are overstepping the boundaries, you are not her mum, you are nothing to her! Why are you whinging about your poor bf’s hardship with having his daughter live with him. It’s his daughter, it’s up to him to discipline her or ignore her behaviour.
Why don’t you concentrate on your own life, your own sons, in your own house and move on from your obsession with these people who don’t want you meddling. Separate and be single

Sounds unpleasant for your children.

This, all day long.

OP, if you really want a relationship with this man then live in your own home with your boys and when he doesn’t have to be at home for his girls you can invite him over.

That way, his daughter(s) can’t play you off against each other and the older one can’t wind you up. Your son also gets to see the man you say he ‘adores’.

Other posters seem to be saying the OP has posted about similar but slightly different scenarios previously and has not taken or responded to sensible advice so I’m not holding my breath.