Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

@GentleJadeOPkids don’t sleep in hall they all have beds

Do you think being in a relationship with this man (has been in the best interests of your children?

He:

Controls you to the point you aren’t allowed to see family / friends and have a list on your phone of what you can / can’t do

Accuses you of cheating

Drinks to excess

Takes drugs

You have children. Put them first. Stop dragging them into the orbit of this absolute shit show.

You’ve got some cheek suggesting SS involvement when you’re bringing your own children into this environment willingly!!

Put your children first.

End the relationship.

Block him.

Get therapy. You’ve got money to pay for holidays, GHDs as gifts etc. Spend it finding out why you value your children so little that you’ve subjected them to this.

I think both of them are fucked up. He's really controlling, she mostly likes to be controlled because it makes her feel wanted.

I agree, the driving force is OP wants the daughter gone because whilst she's there, the partner's attention is divided. OP seems totally fuelled in an extremely toxic and manipulative way by her desire to get the daughter out of the way, so she can feel wanted again.

Any kind of attention from the partner is attention. And she's not getting it as she wants it. But he's still controlling.

It's all very...not normal.

' I am not allowed to see my friends/family on a Friday or Saturday we are to spend it together, I go away on my own with my kids and he makes me feel guilty for going. I have to meet him everyday for his 2 hour lunch break or I get accused. '

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this ?

Why are you showing your children that it is ok to be treated like this ?

You have boys you say, do you want them to treat their girlfriends like this ?

Finnish with him - you don't live with him, it's so easy just to say the relationship is not working for you any more.

You should not have replied to her text, neither been so longwinded in your explanation. She's a teenager and you are an adult so you need to handle the situation like one. Your partner spoke to her and as an angry teenager she lashed out at you. You should have just ignored it rather than engaging in a further prolonged conflict. Now she knows how to get you to her level.

But I am seeing there are bigger problems here:

• That you need to prove there was any noise made is odd to me.

• It's also odd to me that you tell your partner to take away his daughter's phone and punish her. Why? You only need your partner to ensure she's courteous towards you. If you are getting involved with her discipline when you are barely her stepmother from the sounds of it. and she's aware of that, I imagine that's adding to the relationship conflict.

• You keep on comparing your own kids behaviour, who by the sounds of it are not teenagers so of course their behaviour won't be the same so you need to stop using them as the yardstick for how she should be.

• She says in the text you said he needs to choose between you and her. What does that mean? Have you given him an ultimatum before and who told her this? She sounds like she feels threatened and that's contributing to her behaviour.

@Stepchildrenarehardwork hearing about him giving you lists to follow while not parenting his own child properly is the biggest red flag yet. Not normal. You should feel loved, respected and cared for. I can’t see any of this in the descriptions. He is living off you in the same way his daughter uses what he gives her as an allowance - ie there for the money. Preserve the good parenting you have done for your own kids by being strong enough to leave him. Please, this is destroying you slowly.

You are right to end this, don’t be tempted to back track on this decision because you are afraid of being alone.

spend time concentrating on you and your dc happiness, I’m sure another relationship will come along in due time but don’t make that your focus. You’ll have a great time on holiday without all the drama

The ' step 'daughter is not the problem, nor your problem, you are not married so she is not a stepdaughter, she is your boyfriend's daughter.

The problem is your boyfriend, and the problem is easily solved.

@AguNwaanyi as I stated previously he asked if I agreed with the mother to take the phone and my opinion, I said yes and then he put then blame all on me. He asks for opinions on discipline but then when he does say it’s all my fault. My kids are 8 and 10 but she has been like this since around 11. I never said he needs to he has twisted that back to her. I said to him by her speaking to me like this and her actions and how she sees it if he doesn’t discipline her for it and put his foot down he is baaically saying to her thy she can issue the ultimatum of her or me. His daughter is causing the ultimatum as he will have to choose her as she’s his daughter x

His daughter is causing the ultimatum, not the fact that he’s a controlling, toxic, abusive, alcoholic drug user and you have children you should be putting first?!

You talk about ultimatums. Who do you love more, your kids or this man? Be honest - who?

@anytipswelcomemy kids it’s why I have stayed my eldest absolutely adores him. He is always messaging him, always wants to see him, up until the daughter moved in they had the best time. When he’s if work and it’s the holidays we would go out and my son always wants him there. It’s him he goes to wirh issues not his own dad. And now I have to destroy my child by saying we aren’t seeing him again

Your SD needs to learn the meaning of punctuation.

(Unhelpful, sorry. But urgh!)

This is all utterly dysfunctional. Your whole problem is with your partner, he is the adult here - but because you're so emeshed with him you're instead pushing all the blame onto the child.

You shouldn't be involved in disciplining her or 'making' her dad take her phone away from her. Of course that is going to cause problems between the two of you. He should be parenting his child without you having to get involved.

This guy is clearly a complete waste of space. You need to be focusing on that rather than obsessing on the idea that if the dd wasn't around everything would be peaches and cream.

Agreed. Both OP and OP’s partner sound like they’re too involved in this dysfunctional relationship and other distractions to prioritise their children’s needs. Hopefully their children’s other parents are capable of providing some stability and direction for them.

Jesus Love, I haven't read the rest of the thread only the OP but your family is a shit show.

Get some counselling, living like this is deeply dysfunctional and awful.

Sorry but that’s rubbish, it is.

If your son adores a man who is controlling his mother, preventing you all from seeing friends and family, who is an alcoholic, who is a drug user, then your job as a mother is to extract him from the situation not facilitate his relationship with the abusive addict.

Frankly how dare you blame your kids for you putting them in unhealthy and dangerous situation.

tbf Op's grammar and spelling aren't too great.

you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around.

Out of the mouths… the child based on all we have read maybe has it bang on.
OP you aren’t coming across at all well, sure you even lied in your text reply saying you took things away from your own DC when they were noisy but you didn’t. Manipulation and not able to regulate their actions or reactions in an adult woman not a good look. Lack of insight or emotional intelligence here also astonishing.
Hoping if SS get involved they speak to all the children, yours included as this is veering into not just toxic but in sum total hugely damaging all round. Adult women aren’t meant to have a vendetta against a child. WTF? Your DC now mirroring your views. They don’t get that view in a vacuum. Take some time in coming days to calm down, and look into counselling.

You’ve split plenty of times. This won’t be new to your kids.

If he enjoys spending time with your son so much then there's nothing to say they can't still do things together sometimes just because you have split up.
I think though this is more a convenient excuse for you to feel you 'have' to stay.

What it should be is a lesson in not getting your kids so involved with your boyfriends.

So do I!

Don't put this on his daughter OP.

He's a shit partner & a shit parent to boot.

Guess I’ll be going away on my own in July 🤦🏻‍♀️ already paid for so go me

You'll be with your kids Op!

I don't know why you want sympathy for not being able to holiday with him!

@diddlno I won’t be with my kids. It was a weekend away just me and him as my kids are away with my dad

Let the reason you leave him be because YOU, through your own good judgement, have decided to prioritise yourself and your two boys.
Do not make it all about his daughter. That would be very unreasonable of you. And far too harsh on her in the long run.
Make it about your own children who need decent role models, stability and a peaceful family life without these constant dramas and evidence and sleeping in different beds …and without the coercion which you mistake for love.

You have ended it now OP. So make sure that really is the end of it.
No more arguing, justifying, re-hashing it all. No more contact.
Just take the responsibility. Rely on yourself, nobody else. Be accountable.

Think….’ yes I have ended it for good this time because it was damaging to us as a family. And now I need to concentrate on re-building my own social circle as well as being emotionally independent. I do not need a man and the toxic complications it brings’

Its time to turn your lives around for the better.

This 🚀 #rolemodel 🙄 they obviously broke the bed quietly…even the MN name says it all… 🚩