Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

All you need to say is “Yeah, that’s not going to happen, I’ve told you it’s over. Please put my keys through the door and delete my number and email address.”

It’s not your place to make her dad take her phone away and discipline her! It’s HIS house not yours. God help you all if you ever move in together. You and your children are guests in his house. It’s not your business to be recording his daughter. I wouldn’t stay there any more. Sounds horrible for everyone.

You sound about 12 years old OP. You’re best off out of that whole toxic relationship. You’ve messaged it’s over, REALLY stick to that! Move on with your life. You AND your children deserve so much better than this. This is not healthy.

Why are you with this controlling man ?

The pair of you sound thoroughly messed up now I have read the whole thread and comments about previous posts. I feel sorry for all the children even his daughter. What a mess. The daughter is rebelling against a very toxic set up. Can you not see that? You need to split or fave tears of toxic misery

Well this sounds shit. Ditch the lot and be happy ffs 😅

This. Next time you wake your partner up (no secret recordings or anything) and tell him to deal with the noise right now.

goodness, this sounds horrible!

@Stepchildrenarehardwork this is your real issue:

I am not allowed to see my friends/family on a Friday or Saturday we are to spend it together, I go away on my own with my kids and he makes me feel guilty for going. I have to meet him everyday for his 2 hour lunch break or I get accused. I can send message proof if I have to

You are in a controlling / codependent relationship. The fact he’s made you think it’s normal that if you sleep on the couch you have to film it to prove you were there is absurd. Please leave, your boys need to know this is not a healthy relationship. It will be affecting your relationship with them too, no matter how hard you try for it not to.

Wtf are you in a relationship with a man who refuses to parent his dc?

His daughter has issues (repeated suspensions a red flag 🚩 that this young person not in a stable or good place). In no small part the ‘adults’ around her not helping. They have their own issues.
All this drama and power struggles + your ongoing seething resentment not going to resolve anything.
He’s right. Voice recording was bang out of order. You’re too wrapped up in hurt, anger and wanting to be right/sided with to be rational about it. Messaging the other Mum absolutely not your place. Or messaging his ex. Imho. Will embarrass everyone more and achieve nothing.
It’s clear this extremely unhealthy dynamic been a pattern for a while. Long before any noise through the night. +You were already salty she was having a sleepover under the circumstances so deciding to camp on couch (for maximum effect) and recording the noise in the middle of the night points to one thing. You wanted him to 💯 choose you and kick her into touch. It was a deliberate move not borne out of good motive.
Not condoning any of it on all sides (could write a screed for them too) but at least be honest with yourself. Linking this circus 🎪 to not feeling wanted is telling. There’s your answer. The situation triggers negative emotions in you that you struggle to regulate.
You all need to calm down, be kinder to one another and where needed accept your own part in how you could’ve handled it better too instead of wanting to be right.
Respect is earned and sorry, what other reaction did you think you’d get from a struggling teen when she probably knows you don’t like her? Walk away or woman up and try to get the relationship with both back on track.

This whole situation seems toxic. Your partner requires proof to back up what you say, you're taking videos of noise to report her to her dad, he's witholding her allowance if she spends 4 nights a week at her mum's (not 'allowance', not maintenance to the mum), and you're communicating by text instead of a conversation.

"she hates my existence because I pull her up on things and make her dad take her phone away and discipline her"
"I hate my relationship status is being dictated to by a child"

No wonder she doesn't like you; you stick your nose in on how she's parented despite you two clearly not having a great relationship, she probably doesn't like being dictated to by someone whom she dislikes any more than you like your relationship being dictated by her.

Your dc are sleeping in a house with random boys staying over.. Does that not concern you at all op?

@Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet it’s not random boys? It’s a girl as my SC is a girl and so was her friend x

Wow, it’s hard to feel sympathy at this stage with the additional details OP has released about the OH. My ex had an 18 year old who was mildly toxic which was a concern that I monitored but as soon as he started to display a few red flags in succession himself - that was it! Brakes on and plans to move in together etc halted and dumped. I don't understand why people turn a blind eye and cling on like this. Single life is not a curse - and I don’t even have any kids to protect but my gosh if I did, such relationships would be even shorter!

Nooooooo! Is this the poster who made her step child a ‘bedroom’ in the cupboard under the stairs?

You shouldn't have been recording kids in their own home. If your partner needs proof of your word you shouldn't be together. You shouldn't be engaging in text arguments with a child. The child seems hard work but her dad should be dealing with it, he clearly isn't so you should just remove yourself from the situation or you will continue in this battle for power with her which she knows she will always win.

Guess I’ll be going away on my own in July 🤦🏻‍♀️ already paid for so go me 😭😭😭 I may put in a social services complaint and see if I can get her some help from them

The poor kids on all sides of this. What an utter mess of toxicity they’re being forced to navigate. And then the adults are acting surprised / disappointed that there are behavioural issues.

Are you the daughter or the dad?

If I don’t have him. I have nothing. No friends or anyone to go out with when the kids are at their dads. No one to go on weekends away with without kids, no one to call when I need help or when I struggling.

I am not allowed to see my friends/family on a Friday or Saturday we are to spend it together.

Which is it? You don't have friends or you're not allowed to see them?

It's not OPs home. It's OPs boyfriend and sd 's home. And since they aren't married or living together she's not really OPs SD either.

You said you cant do it anymore, and he responded by piling on more criticism? Then you went straight back into defending yourself and hes successfully browbeaten you again.

Better response would be " youre proving my point, and i don't care whether you think i did the wrong thing. Im not doing any of this bullshit anymore and we are over. "

on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away

Poor boys :(

You arent going to change the situation. You dont have to be there. Hes a jobless unemployed toxic loser who is abusing you and allowing his daughter to bully you.

You don't have to live like that.

It's so exasperating to see a grown woman so desperate for the company of a toxic waster of a man.

Being on your own is a good thing since you seem to be unable to make decent choices with regard to men.

I also doubt a call to social services is in any way you being helpful. It seems more like a ploy to try to get his daughter out of the way so you can be wanted by him again.