Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

“He keeps saying if I leave he will tell everybody it was because he has kids”

So what?

Who cares what this shitbag says?

What you’re describing is domestic abuse. And if she has been exposed to that, which it’s likely she has if she’s living in a home with it, she’s at an increased risk of domestic abuse as an adult, either as a victim or a perpetrator, which could help to understand some of her more concerning behaviours.

In a nutshell. Not your child to parent. Your DP needs to step up as a father to control and manage his child. he is not bothering, trained teachers are struggling with her as well.

See each other at your place or go on dates if you want to continue with this man but this tells me it is time to cut your losses and ditch the relationship. You have more rules than his dd!

I am not allowed to see my friends/family on a Friday or Saturday we are to spend it together, I go away on my own with my kids and he makes me feel guilty for going. I have to meet him everyday for his 2 hour lunch break or I get accused.

Could not understand all the SD text - needed punctuation.

Your step daughter is a child - annoying, whatever, her behaviour is typical.

Her dad is the problem. Needing proof that you're sleeping downstairs because of noise, else he'd think you were messaging someone else?

That's not normal. Huge red flag. This isn't a relationship I'd want to be in.

@PopeJoan2I have lost my friends because he wouldn’t allow me to see then or make plans, I am friends with a lesbian which meant I was supposedly cheating. My friends have backed away because I wasn’t allowed to see them or have them.

Why are you still in this?
Exasperating.
Leave him.

I think it’s pretty bloody odd that she’s ruling the roost!

This is extremely unhealthy. Your resentment towards his daughter is palpable. Using terms like her ‘winning’ only underscores there’s much more to this than a disturbed night of sleep or not agreeing with his parenting style.
Whatever the rights and wrongs, you two are the adults. Blood is thicker than water. She is a child. It was petty and more than a bit pathetic to film evidence. Not even your home. Her texts are not meant to be regulated - she is still growing up but your actions and reactions as an adult are. It’s clear you will ignore all advice to leave, and so not much else to add. Immovable object and irresistible force dynamics never ends well, nor too does being an angry non resident step parent.

OP has numerous threads under numerous names.

You’re all wasting your time.

She has broken up with him before. When he was so pissed that he abandoned her dog for hours and she couldn’t get to it. He was referred to adult SS by an attending ambulance crew.

He’s a thoroughly neglectful, drug using, alcoholic

There are many holes in OP’s various tales.

Most would be embarrassed to breathe the same air as such a waster, but OP is worried what he’ll tell people? Even though she has said he has no friends? Says she had no friends because of him, but has posted threads on behalf of her own friends and says that without him, her friends would need to help her shower, etc.

She’ll stay and she’ll be back blaming that neglected 13yo yet again.

And yes, I do believe she is the OP who had thread after thread about her previous stepdaughters. You know, the ones who slept in the hall and were grudged an adult McDonald’s meal.

Oh honey. You really need to get out of this one. You know this, don't you?

I think the main issue is that you have a controlling partner.

The daughter is rude but she's a child. It's all very odd and I think your partner is the main problem not her.

@excelledyourself perfectly said. The way she talks about her stepchildren is disgusting. Her previous posts are eye-opening.
This woman is delusional.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Don't worry about whether she wins, it's up to her parents to teach her, not you.

I don't understand why your DP is using finances to bribe her into living with him- it sounds like bordering on parental alienation to me. But none of it is your problem.

I've been a Stepmum for 10 years in December, and in that time, there's been many ups and downs and I've met a lot of other Stepmums. The one thing I've learned is that if your partner is not on the same page as you and is not willing to put up a united front to the kids, it's never going to work.

Why would you want your kids around a girl who has been suspended 18 times this year. Surely you can see this is not in the best interests of your kids. It is all so unnecessary.

I hve messaged this morning and said I can’t do this anymore. I cannot tolerate being spoken to how she did and him accepting it as if there was nothing wrong. All he could do was complain I am on the wrong for filming and he’s has to apologise to the friends mum as she saw a messsge from my SD to the friend telling her what she said to me. I explained she isn’t in the video. It was the noise I recorded. I even offered to message the mother myself. But yes I am at the end as this response this morning. I am so fed up of not being wanted

@Millionaura because my kids have said they don’t want to be like her, and they have actively said they have learnt how not to be x

What an absolute prince. This is the easiest leave the relationship of all time. He sounds like an utter moron, a rubbish parent and treats you like crap. Asking you for recorded proof before he takes your word on anything, blackmailing you about telling people things if you leave, allowing his daughter to speak to you like that etc. Get out of the relationship, take your boys out of that house and back into your own home and leave him and his spoilt brat daughter to themselves. Not having them in your lives would be a huge win!

And so what if he tells people you left because "he has kids" - so what? People leave relationships for that reason all the time. It's a perfectly valid enough reason to leave, especially if their kid is a nightmare.

It isn't. Its being dictated by the way your partner is choosing to treat that child. Change your mindset and I think you will see this in a different light. Your partner sounds like the problem here, insisting on "proof"? threatening he will lie about you if you leave him? I say leave him and let him get on with it. Couldn't be doing with this texting lark it sounds completely ridiculous.

Earlier in the thread you said you've both been cheated on and so have mutual respect. However, he has continually accused you of cheating,that's not respect.

You also said you don't have anyone else to talk to; family or friends, but then admit here he's effectively isolated you from friends. Again no respect.

This relationship is not healthy and is not a good example to your DC. Do themselves and yourself a favour and go home permanently. Once you've cut ties with your waste of space partner your life will be so much calmer and less stressful.

Focus on rebuilding friendships and maintaining a calm stable home for your kids. Or if that seems too scary at first tell your partner you need a few weeks to yourself and see the contrast in those few weeks. Hopefuly then you'll see the light.

Sadly it sounds completely believable.

She sounds completely enmeshed in this toxic set up. He provides something in her life that she's bending over backwards to keep for whatever reason.

I read her other thread, and together they're enlightening. Perhaps it's the personal care part she's come to rely on, although she can manage holidays. Maybe they're worth the short term struggle.

The other thread said he won't allow her to not stay over on certain days because they're days she stays over and that's that.

He seems to have successfully played himself as a victim, what with being adopted and had partners who've cheated, and OP has lapped it all up to the extent she's accepting whatever he demands because...he has to her valid reasons to be controlling.

Maybe she even enjoys the control in a way because it means he's focused on her and what she's doing.

I can see it might make her feel wanted in a bizarre way, and that could be why OP is kicking off about this man's daughter, she now has competition for his attention.

Edit:

OP has just posted I am so fed up of not being wanted, so it absolutely is that. She's desperate to be wanted by this awful man.

They are both utterly vile, OP.

Get rid. You and your boys deserve better.

Why would he reduce her allowance?

Time to exit this relationship. Make it swift and final. As a kindness, you might suggest he seeks therapy. But, please walk away and don't get drawn into a ping-pong situation.

@OhHellolittleonebevause the allowance was technically the maintenance he was paying to the mum. So he gives it to the child instead for clothes, going out with friends etc so she can basically do what she wants as and when she pleases because he’s working. He believes if she is residing more with her mother then it’s the mothers repainbikit not his as she will get the CB and UC

You have posted about this fucked up situation before haven’t you?

I don’t understand why you are flogging this dead horse. Have you no self respect?

Bin the lot of them and concentrate on your own children.