Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

@Stepchildrenarehardwork sound toxic!
Ket be start with your boys get “punished “ for making noise in the day.???
I can see you are putting the dad before everyone here. Even making recordings as “proof” just wow . Can he not take your word ? Why doesn’t he believe you ?
She is a spoilt brat and her father is allowing this over everything else .

For your boys sake leave and don’t look back !

One question I take it these are your boys and not mr princes. ?

A few red flags there OP.
Also - why don’t you stay on the weekends you don’t have your children rather than the weekends you do? You say they like staying - but do they say that because they think it makes you happy? Maybe your children just want to be with their Mum at their own home on a weekend without having to be quiet

When my children have sleepovers, we know there is going to be very little sleep.
You would not be filming my children or putting their messages on the Internet, you sound immature.
The father doesn't sound any better.
Split up and move on.

It's really unhealthy to be this dependent on one person, OP. Do you work? Do you have other interests outside home?

I have a sense you will not follow the good advice on here to leave and move on- which is a shame as your children - and you - deserve better.
However - at the very least your ‘partner’ needs to take responsibility for all elements of the relationship with his daughter - the positive and the difficult. You need to stop helping with the parcels& lifts - you don’t have to say you have stopped as such - but don’t spring in to action the minute there’s a request. ‘Not today - maybe tomorrow or the day after - or ask your Dad’. If it’s questioned - just reply that ‘it doesn’t work for me to do that today’. You don’t need a reason.
With that many suspensions, he needs to step up. He can’t say ‘he doesn’t have the patience’ - he needs to find it or deal with the issues.
If you were a family unit, he would need to insist SD respects you as an adult. He is not doing that and so this absolves you of any virtual step parenting responsibilities. He can’t have it both ways - and you know that really.

Partner problem, stay at your own home away from all this unnecessary drama .

The fact that she was suspended and then he allowed her a sleepover is questionable. If there was a sleepover happening I would expect them to have little sleep and be a tad noisy as it’s supposed to be fun. If others have school/work I would have stayed at my own house. It sounds like you’re telling him how to parent and maybe he needs help with that. But she is going to resent you for it. No you shouldn’t have videoed the evidence I can see why his daughter is annoyed he shouldn’t need proof. It seems odd that he needs that to choose who to believe?

Do you buy all this, though? One minute op is saying she wants to spend all her weekends with him (or whatever. I can’t remember the details). Then he is everything to her because she doesn’t have other friends. The next minute he isn’t allowing her to spend time with friends (she hasn’t got).

This man is not a partner.
No way I’d have someone accusing me of texting someone else and being spoken to like that by his daughter (who’s been suspended by school yet still allowed a sleepover!????) Where is his discipline of her behaviour? Shes only speaking to you like that because he allows it.

He sounds a crap dad and a crap partner.
Leave them to it.

This is so fucked up I don't know where to start.
Everything is wrong in this relationship. Plenty of other people have written in more detail about all the things that are wrong.

You should leave this man. Then you can live in your own house with your own children and have peace and quiet and be able to do what you want, when you want. Go on holiday when you want with no one having a go at you about it. Not have to deal with someone else's daughter who is acting up because she's unhappy and not having to deal with someone else's poor parenting.

Fuck that. What a toxic relationship all round.

I don’t think this is a relationship, or family dynamic, that is healthy.

Nobody filmed this child. Read the OP's messages.

For all the people posting as with the OP previous thread its an absolute lost cause.

The OP wants to keep this man so much, she is blind to the fact he is a shit partner and an even worse father.

Its easier to blame his daughter than actually look in the mirror and recognise

1. He is the problem.

2.The OP is also the problem.

Post after post about she did that, he did this. Very little about her own kids who are stuck in this mess, all because the OP is prioritising her need to not be alone over giving them a healthy childhood dynamic not watching their mother carry on like this.

Again you are focusing on all the wrong things.

@Stepchildrenarehardwork i conmentes aftwr reading just your op .
Ive read a few updates and you are blaming a child . He is even manipulating her .
You are all being controlled. .

Id you leave I am telling lies about you.
Sleep on sofa txting another man /cheating
She stays out the house longer she doesn’t get money he controls her with . She has also learned manipulation as it’s how she has been brought up.

Tbh I feel sorry for all the kids dealing with you both. Your poor boys what a childhood.

Get some therapy to help you see what’s happening here .

Just read the previous thread. This man is being paid carer’s allowance to look after OP.
She keeps referring for the need for weekends away, hinting at sex which I don’t even want to think about.
He is being paid to care for her while she is in his house on the sofa. She seems vulnerable, she is being abused, and coerced.
I only hope she leaves and seeks support as she does have family and friends.
Her poor children.

That's unbelievably feeble. If he can't be bothered to parent her, she needs to stay with her mother.

His daughter is a right madam by the sounds of it. But she’s least of your problems in this frankly awful relationship. If I tell my husband something has happened he just believes me. And vice versa. I don’t have to prove to him I choose to sleep on the sofa or something equally mundane.

As for blackmailing you by threatening to tell people you left him because he has horrible kids, that’s a dump-able offence. Why give a shit anyway what he tells people after you dump his stupid arse?

I feel so sorry for your kids that you’re putting your own needs to have any old crappy bloke above their welfare. Dragging them between two homes just to satisfy your own desires. You clearly don’t care about them.

I know an older boy (friend of DS) just turned 18 who lives in a hostel and veers from managing OK to getting blind drunk and doing stupid stuff. All because he had a chaotic home life and was moved from mum’s to gran’s to dad’s because his parents put their selfish needs above his, all their lives.

Fucking awful and underneath it, he’s a lovely boy but it’s clear that he’s desperate for genuine affection, where someone actually cares about him.

“He keeps saying if I leave he will tell everybody it was because he has kids”

why would you care what he says. He isn’t much of a partner, he doesn’t have your back.

dont let him hold you back from getting away from all this.

Stop subjecting your poor children to this. Bloody hell, the lengths some people will go to for a shag.

@Stepchildrenarehardwork are you the poster who wanted her BF to go on holiday with you and your kids but needed to send the DD back to her mum's to do it because you wouldn't take her with you?

I actually feel sorry for this 14 year old. With a toxic father who plays her off against her mum by threatening to reduce her allowance if she spends more time with her, and also plays her off against his partner who is so deeply under control she's blind to it, the daughter is stuck in a nightmare not of her choosing. So she kicks off where she feels she can.

I'm not saying she's not a really badly behaved child, and that this needs dealing with properly, but no bloody wonder she's like this!

She isn’t your daughter ! (No right to discipline her )
you have a boyfriend problem and a problem with your step daughter !
in this situation you will not get the upper hand !
Do t be scared of being on your own it will be the best thing u have done !
get some self respect and build on your confidence and work on being a happy person on your own !
Then u find a relationship where you’re equal ! X

This all sounds incredibly unhealthy and you seem more bothered about 'winning' than the issues in your relationship.

You felt you needed proof for why you slept downstairs in case your partner thought you were texting someone else. Instead of parenting his child, your partner told you to engage in a text argument with his child. He's unwilling to parent his own child at the expense of everyone else in the household.... it's a mess.

Frankly, if you're not willing to break up for your own good, you need to do it for your children. At the minute you're teaching them to accept poor relationships rather than be alone. That's a terrible message.

@Stepchildrenarehardwork you are exhausting. However unpleasant this kid is, her father is ten times worse and you appear totally unable to acknowledge that. It’s not her fault he’s a controlling prick yet you insist this is the result of her moving in. It really isn’t! You need to leave and stop exposing your sons to this bin fire.