DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

I think some more info might help here. How old and what sex are the step kids? How often do they come? What’s the bedroom situation? Are they parented ? How long have you all lived together ?

What would you like your dh to do? What other solution can there be apart from him not seeing his kids at his house which obviously isn't a solution. It's sad that your DD feels this way but sadly that's the downside of blended families isn't it?

How long have you been with DH and how long has she known SC? Has this been brought up before you married or is this the first time she’s mentioned it?

Ooft, that’s a really difficult one, sorry to hear you are facing this dilemma. I’m sure you’ll get lots of posters along to tell you shortly how it’s all your own fault.

I agree we need more info - how long have you been married, how long to SC visit for, how many of them are there and what ages, has it always been a shared home, does she have any siblings?

If her dad would be happy to have her, let her do that. Blended families are always difficult, you have to be willing to make compromises. It’s great that your dd has thought of her own solution.

Need more info: are sdc younger/older?

Fwiw my Ds2 doesn't like being at home with his autistic older brother either so it's not necessarily a "step children" issue.

You married your h when your child doesn’t get along with your stepchildren ? Poor dd.
I can’t comment on the stepkids without more info like ages, sex and temperament but the fact that she’d rather be at her useless dad’s speaks volumes. 😢
I hope that dd being sensitive isn’t a veiled jab to say that you think she’s unreasonable.

OP, you should be prepared to potentially, permanently damage your relationship with your daughter, if you OK this idea.

To be frank, little girls can be manipulative Only you know your daughter well enough to judge if this is a genuine proposal, or a comment said with the intention of manipulating the situation.

If this is genuine, then you're backed into a very tight corner. Essentially being asked to choose between child and husband. If your daughter was 17, I'd say you deserve your own life and that your daughter is old enough to live her own life. But your daughter is 10 and she has very few options here.

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart and find out if there is more at play here. Any potential for the sc to be bullying or god forbid, abusing your daughter?

Your poor daughter
Would it not make more sense for you and your husband to live separately? Until children have left home?

I think it was a dick move going to your partner this soon. What did you want him to do?

Also DH? As in husband?
So you two are as intwind as it gets?

How long have you been together?
How are the children? Are we talking normal children hustle and bustle?

I have to be honest if there's nothing concrete and you otherwise have a good relationship with your husband I wouldn't jump to splitting at all.

It socks for her it's nothing traumatic.
How often are they there?

Children grow up and leave, then will be the time your life will be for you.

She’s 10 years old, she shouldn’t be having to think of her own solution to being forced to live with these children who she does not like, and a man who sounds unkind to her to say the least. Especially when her solution is having to resort to leave her own home and mother, and move in with her dad who is fucking useless with her

How’s it not her fault? I admit I’m judging hard here

It’s not really what the forum, or the post is for, is it? She’s posting for advice on what best to do.

Blended families rarely work OP. Why have you moved these people into HER space? Just date their dad and don't live together!

it seems like a reasonable request to me, her dad should be doing some of the parenting, it makes just as much sense for him to do it on those nights as it does any other.

all children including your step children should be comfortable in their own homes

Is there something that has triggered this? Presumably they used to get on great or you wouldn't have blended your families, so what's changed? Is there a way to get back to the point where they all got on?

Would she get on better with them one on one? Might it help to do some activities each weekend where DH takes one of his off for some 1:1 time and you take DD and the other off to do something they could enjoy together?

Children can be manipulative, not just little girls! OP you might permanently damage your relationship with your daughter if you refuse to consider this idea. Why? Because it will feel like you are putting your husband and his children's needs before hers. These situations are always difficult because the children involved have no choice - you picked them, she didn't. DSC might well feel the same but at least they have each other. Maybe give her idea a try, even just temporarily. She wouldn't be the first child who doesn't enjoy sharing her home with strangers.

More context would help.

Oh FFS. Humans can be manipulative, little girls aren’t more prone to that than anyone else. It’s really quite possible that she is just a very unhappy little girl who has finally built up the courage to tell her mum how she feels about living with a step family. OP has said she is and always has been sensitive, she should never have been put in this situation in the first place.

thanks all – can see i prob should’ve added more info

dsc are 13 (boy) and 11 (girl), they’re here eow and half school hols. dd has her own room, they share. we’ve lived together nearly 2 yrs now, been with dh about 4.

she’s always found them hard to be around tbh. dsd is very full on and loud, dss mostly ignores her. dd’s quiet and likes her own space and routine so it all clashes. they’re not nasty to her but she just doesn’t click with them. we’ve tried stuff all together but dd ends up upset or left out.

not looking to stop dh seeing his kids, obv. i just don’t want dd to feel pushed out in her own home. i don’t think she’s being dramatic, i think she just finds the change too much.

wasn’t expecting her to say she wants to go to her dad’s though – caught me off guard. part of me thinks it’d be easier for her but other part feels gutted she doesn’t feel comfortable here when they’re around.

i don’t think there’s a specific trigger but she’s got more anxious lately in general, probs not helped by all the noise and chaos when they’re here.

i don’t know what the solution is but it’s horrible seeing her unhappy x

“To be frank, little girls can be manipulative” Erm, wtf? I hope you don’t have girls @RowanMayfaire.

OP, hard as this is, don’t let your daughter grow up uncomfortable or excluded in her own home. You need to have a full and open conversation with her that she comes before your partner, though you’d like to try to make it work out and see what she says could help. And your partner needs to be open to properly discussing this and finding a solution. If not, he should be an ex.

It’s high time that people started to realise that blended families just don’t work, and that if you split with your child’s parent you should remain outside of any blended family until those children are adults.

Fine to find another part time relationship, but not ok to constantly drag the kids into it and often have more into the mix.

Kids have about ten families these days and are expected to have multiple siblings and step siblings which they never asked to be a part of.

Whether you’re married or not OP, consider whether this is the right setup for your DD. She’s only 10! A useless father, a step dad, and step siblings are a lot to come to terms with.

Personally I’d have happily lived with my DD in a two bedroom house, just the two of us, until she was ready to leave home. I have a friend who’s doing this with her late-teen DD rather than enter into almost exactly the situation you describe. Big respect to her.

You should always put your existing children first, and I don’t think you really did that when you created a blended family.

Please don’t have a child with your DH and make the situation even worse.

Existing children should always be the priority! I read something here recently saying that a lot of people like to say ‘but children are resilient’, and that in response to this, we should also think that children are delicate, and unformed.

How can your own relationship with your now DH and his DCs ever have overridden your thoughts for your own child?

I know this sounds harsh, but blended families are notoriously complex.

She’s always found them hard to be around….and you thought ‘yeah I’ll marry him and have those kids my DD hates come and live with us.’

Poor poor girl.

Totally agree with this actually.