DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

It’s exceptionally common for siblings of mixed sex to share. It’s only a regulation for social housing that they shouldn’t have to. I once sublet a studio flat and there were many families wanting to view it and they would have all slept in the same room. It’s a luxury that many can’t afford to give kids their own room.

Up and down the country there are thousands of families with mixed sex children sharing bedrooms, its not unusual at all. Only on this site do people think its 'inappropriate' (which is a much overused word)

Its not ideal, all children would like privacy as they grow older and enjoy their own space but its not always possible.

Harmful sexual behaviour between siblings occurs whether children share rooms or not, its implied by other posters that this is why children need separate rooms.

Social housing rules are there because its provided by social/state organisations, its not a private dwelling in the same way.

Oh. Another one of those threads. Exactly the type of topic to get loads of responses and divide opinion, run to 20 pages or more and the OP barely engages. MN is full of them these days.

Of course it isn’t. Adolescent girls and boys need privacy. Three generations sleeping in the same room is medieval, frankly.

Or a necessity as a result of poverty. Not everyone is middle class and lives in a large house with plenty of space. You’d probably be shocked at the conditions a large proportion of children live in.

I was thinking I was going mad. Yes be lovely if all kids have own room

but to have 2 rooms and want 2 kids so they share is normal

same sex helps obv many families have b/g

and even in social h they may have to share over 10 if no room/spare houses local to them

Sure. I grew up sharing a bed with my aunt and grandmother for a large part of my childhood. My youngest brother and sister shared for years.

But the OP and her DH chose to blend their families in the knowledge that the house in question wasn’t big enough for opposite-sex adolescents to have separate rooms. That seems like a deliberate choice, and a poor one, even if the children are only there EOW.

Yes, same here. In fact I feel sorry all three of the children in this scenario. This is not a particularly healthy situation in the slightest, short of it being driven by economic necessity to stave off poverty and homelessness - but that doesn’t appear to be the case here. Conscious choices have been made that seem social, not borne of pure economic need.

As pp have said, the bedroom situation is suggestive of dynamics so skewed that three children have been forced into inappropriate arrangements.

We know little about the circumstances. Maybe the dad couldn’t afford a house with a room each in any event so no difference as a result of blending. I mean they are there a small proportion of the time as it is.
And you could make similar judgments of all parents who have smaller houses/flats and can’t give their children their own room - why have kids in the first place?

Not surprising really. She's put her daughter in a terrible position, daughter is deeply unhappy, and OP doesn't want to hear the sensible solution to that: she needs to apologise to her daughter for doing it and end the living situation with the guy she prioritised over her own daughter.

No I wouldn’t. Grew up in poverty until parents split up and mum worked every hour she could.

It’s horrendous that people still have to live in appalling conditions. Find it sad that it seems to be accepted as perfectly ok, decades on.

Is going back to living separately an option, since being a blended family doesn't seem to be working? I'm not sure why you chose this for your daughter if you knew she was never happy with the arrangement. I get that living with your boyfriend is probably what you thought would make you happy... but at the expense of your daughter's happiness? Is it worth it?

I’d have been mortified if my mother had ended her marriage over something like this. Not something I’d want on my conscience for the rest of my life.

There are threads on here where the mum has said her bedroom is the living room and she has 3 kids, so there really is no excuse for 2 sex children to be sharing even with 2 bedrooms; the boy in one, girl in the other.

BUT, that isn't the main issue here with the OP on this thread, so it's being derailed somewhat. The issue is OP rushed to marry a man she hadn't been with long at all, knowing her child was affected, and simply did not care. Prioritised her need to have a man live with her over her child's psychological and emotional wellbeing and their relationship as mother and daughter for life.

It’s normal. I mean you can hand-wring and say it’s awful and terrible for the kids but bear in mind that you’re judging a hell of a lot of families and saying they don’t provide properly for their kids.
Equally I could say how appalling it is that some kids have to attend a state school rather than a nice private school.

As a mother I’d have been mortified if my daughter was so deeply unhappy for my need for a man that she didn't even feel happy living in her own home half the time. Not something I’d want on my conscience for the rest of my life. I could not live with that on my conscience. Mothers are supposed to prioritise their children. Not themselves.

No, it is NOT normal that adults and children all share one room. Not outside the 1800s. That is 4th or 5th developing country stuff. It's dangerous and it's unhealthy - psychologically and emotionally. It's not normal. In any country.

My friend teaches at an inner city primary school in London where the majority of the children are from minority backgrounds. She would tell you a different tale about the 1800s and whether generational sharing is unheard of. Anyway we were talking about a brother and sister sharing not the whole family. That is entirely normal whether you like it or not.

Also emergency local authority accommodation is usually one room and can go on for months.

The only judgement from me is that countless governments haven’t replaced the social housing that Thatcher destroyed.
That’s nothing to do with parents, most of whom do the best they can for their kids.

So you want a divorce but your kid doesn’t want her parents to split, you let the kid decide and stay in the marriage?
You want a third/fourth baby and your eldest doesn’t want that and says it will ruin her life and you listen to her and decide not to go ahead?
You get a good job in a different city but your child says they will never forgive you if you move and leave behind their friends so you stay put?

How about no? Children do not dictate family set ups, whether biological or step families. Immediately getting a divorce because your DD doesn’t like her step siblings (for quite unspecific reasons other than that she doesn’t want them there) is ridiculous. She’s likely to have a whole other take on it as an adult anyway once she gains some maturity. The things I thought were awful and unfair as a child I can see in hindsight were not. I wouldn’t want a parent to sacrifice their marriage for my feelings.

I wouldn’t at all; but I’d expect room dividers to be used, like stud walls or one of the many other privacy options.

OP and many pp don’t mention this pragmatic and commonplace occurrence.

I never said a child should "dictate".

I said that the mother should put her CHILDREN'S NEEDS FIRST. And not her need for cock first and children's needs last. OP went at mega speed marrying her husband (whose reactions and defensiveness explains so much of how his kids behaviour came about). It would have been apparent at the first and subsequent meetings that the kids did not get on and it wasn't going to work. Yet she pushed on and married him less than 4 years in. She should never have married him. And her job, as a mother, is to put her daughter's needs FIRST. And yes, that may mean getting a divorce.

That is the job of a MOTHER. To sacrifice yourself and your happiness, for the psychological and emotional health and welfare of your innocent child.

Now they're adults

Is it fuck your job to sacrifice yourself and your happiness. Misogynist. Get lost with the “need for cock” stuff too. It’s really really grim.
If you have chosen to live like a nun until your child is 18 that’s your choice. It’s not for everyone and it’s really not the only way to live. If you’re not a single mum and are married/in a relationship with your kids dad (thus fulfilling your need for cock that way) your opinion is neither here nor there.

Is it fuck your job to sacrifice yourself and your happiness.

Even for your own CHILDREN?!??

What sort of 'mother' puts her needs for sex above the needs of her own innocent children??

It is your job as a mother to put your children first. If you don't want to put your children first, don't become a mother! If you're too selfish to prioritise your children's needs, DON'T BECOME A MOTHER. It's that simple!