DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

I think I’m probably quite like your daughter, love my own space!
It seems she’s thought of a plausible solution if it’s only every other weekend and half the holidays - if her father is willing, you’ll have to let her go there. You might find the SC visit less as they get older. I think you need to make her feel listened to though, or you will sour your long term relationship with her.

AND half the holidays. So basically, if you discount school nights which are normally filled with sports/homework/early nights - this poor girl is being forced to spend HALF her leisure time with people she doesn’t like in her home.
this is true of many siblings too I’m sure, well full time, but the difference is with the full on siblings, nobody chose it, so it’s a suck it up situation. Here, the op chose this for her dd.

There are risks that siblings won't get on, but growing up together, and sharing genes and parenting, gives opportunity for developing relationships that being thrown in together, when already partially grown and with different norms, do not. Added to which, if you already know they don't get on, as OP did, then going ahead is very different from taking a risk where the outcome is not known. You wouldn't move yourself into a home with people you didn't like if you had the choice. You shouldn't do it to your children.

Look objectively at the dsc behaviour. Is it acceptable? Would you accept it from your dd? What happens when their behaviour is unacceptable? What does your dh do?

how can you as her mother not have her feeling left out?

So you’ve married a man with kids that your daughter has always found difficult. Sounds like you’ve not really thought this through. Your daughter should come first, unless she’s a young adult of course. Personally I would have waited to get into a relationship with someone new and I certainly wouldn’t have moved my daughter into a family dynamic that she wasn’t happy with and was so unsettled with.

I think this situation is hugely different.
because there was a choice.
a choice for the mother
and the dd knows her mother put her in this situation,

I do sympathise with this cannot be an easy but I don’t believe that I would have started living with anyone if I had not established first that my child would be able to get on with the other children. She is your first priority before anything else, If she was 17 my response would be different but she is a child still and should not have to make such big adjustments so much of the time in her own home.
whose house are you living in, can you establish separate homes until she is older?

I feel really sorry for your daughter. As a kid, I would have hated feeling I had lost my home by having to share it with my mum's boyfriend and kids. And I would never blend a family if I left my H either.

In all honesty, if you can afford it, I would separate the households again, and you live with your daughter and your H lives with his kids. Your daughter deserves to have a home that feels like a home. You and H can live together when your daughter is an adult.

No the problem isn’t that they created a blended family it is that they didn’t even try to create one. There was no understanding of need and how to do this and this is what has happened

OP your DH can’t be defensive because this is on both of you you need talk about steps to fix this or you have go leave

Sheesh, PP are being hard on you OP. Sorry about that. Few of them are recognizing that’s it’s not so simple to undo some of the commitments/entanglements that you’ve made, or that your happiness matters too. It’s not like most people have extensive experience with blending families, either; sometimes mistakes are made.

Also wanted to add… Maybe ask your DH to have DSD keep it down when they’re over? Establish “quiet hours”

I’m so sorry you and DD are feeling like this , it’s really hard for you both . Could DD either sign up for something she would enjoy on one of the weekend days - even make it her day to go to the library so there is a little time out and on the other day make it a family outing - “outside” which might kind of dilute the intensity of having everyone at home at the same time. Or get DH to organise an activity outwith the home for the kids that they might all enjoy - ( Geocaching, swimming, trampolining etc) , and or get add some noise cancelling headphones so she she can tune out when need to ? …. And maybe DD could go to dads for one of the weekends only.

Let her stay with her dad even if he is "useless" - at least she may get some peace and quiet. Listen to your daughter - I feel so sorry for her.

So she has a useless dad and a mum who put her feelings above her to move new man and his dc in. As always, the kids seem to come second and forced into a blended family and expected to suck it up. Rubbish for all the dc involved.

I’ve been with my DP for almost 12 years but we live apart due to the children.
Could you compromise with her? Some of the time she could see her Dad, sometimes day trips out with you? In the holidays visit grandparents etc, so she would still see them sometimes but not all the time they are there.
if your dh also did the same with his children there shouldn’t be much time to fall out and you’d both have quality time with your own children.

Kids … are expected to have multiple siblings and step siblings which they never asked to be a part of.

So everyone should only have one DC because their child never asked for a sibling?

I don't know how you can find a man that is so dismissive of your daughters emotional state attractive anyway tbh.
He won't be doing anything to help her here, he thinks she needs to put and shut up.
Imagine being forced to live with a grown adult man like that plus his two obnoxious children.

What exactly were you thinking?

Theres no shoulds or shouldnts about sharing a room for private dwellings with siblings. Not ideal but lots of families are short on space

But more than that, who are these people who apparently can just upsticks and live separately from their husbands or wives, in what accommodation exactly, is it assumed that everyone has access to another property?

This is a manageable situation, there is no need to go for the nuclear options being suggested here like divorce or living separately.

Can you find things for her to do and get involved in outside of the house on the weekends. Like clubs / activities / social gatherings of some kind. I don't know - brownies or swimming, anything that gets her out and gives her a greater sense of independence? I would recommend this for any 10 yr old actually, not just one who has some noisy step-siblings. I think it's better to cultivate each of them than try and force them to find a common ground. If that happens, it will happen naturally.

I don’t think I’d want to either in her shoes

So from your update OP, you are quite articulate about how these SC are a poor match / active clash for your DD personality and they have never really got on, but you decided to bring them into your daughter's home and life anyway?

How would you have felt if when you married your H he brought his mates Dave and Chris, who you'd never really liked, to live with you too?

These have not been good choices. You really need to undo it by telling H that him and his kids need to move out again.

100% this.

People choose to have children, there is a choice about whether to just have one child

That child also might be disabled or have special needs, a choice to have another child in the family will inevitably mean that both children have to work around each other, thats not always easy either.

No, but when you bring other children in to an existing child's life, parents need to be realistic and honest about the fact they are doing it for their (the parents) benefit and desire and that it may not in the best interest of the child.

Also, parents need to be more accepting when a child says "having a sibling was not a benefit to me" or however someone may phrase it, instead of getting all upset about it.

Right, because all children are super knowledgeable about what having siblings is like at all ages of life to be able to accurately predict whether they would want them or not

*RedPandaClaws · Today 18:44

Did people miss the bit where the op said the step kids were only around every other weekend? That's 1/7 of the time during term time - hardly reason to totally move out!*

No, didn't miss that bit. Did you miss the bit where her stepfather is there all the time? The man that said she needs to learn to get on with his children. The man who is happy to have his 13 year old son and 11 year old daughter share a room. Though at least the op's 10 year old hasn't been forced to share a room -small mercies and all that.