DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

Why didn’t you consider her feelings before forcing to live in a situation that makes her so miserable?

I’ve just seen your update, no wonder DD finds it difficult! An older, pubescent step-brother, and a same-age step-sister, along with your DH who sounds like he creates a bit of a circus when they’re around.

And the DSC share a room at your house? In no way is that right or sustainable at all. The girls are going to have to share somehow to give your DSS his own room. Or you may have to make other elaborate bedroom arrangements.

In your shoes, I’d move out with my DD. Leave your DH in the house with a girls room/boy room guest bedroom setup. And visit him sometimes.

Please don’t add another child into this difficult, stressful mix. That would be insanity.

i don’t know what the solution is but it’s horrible seeing her unhappy

I think the solution is bloody obvious, move out and stop expecting your young daughter to live with unrelated people she doesn’t like. Shocking that this isn’t even an option for you, although I don’t know why I’m surprised as it seems to happen all the time with parents prioritising their new relationships and their poor kids just have to lump it.

Agree, the problem is that you created a blended family in the first place.

Can you move into separate houses for now?

Given that you're married, you need to find a way around this.

Can you focus on your dd when the dscs are there. Arrange trips for just her and you. Spend time together. Make sure that your dd gets a lot of your attention when they are present.

She has her own room. Can you ensure she has tv, radio, wifi in her room. Spend time with her in her room, watching films or doing stuff together. Exercise together, spend time with your extended family on those weekends. Visit the places she likes.

Leave the Dscs to spend time with their dad.

This 100%

OP, what are you going to do when DSC can no longer share a room (arguably that time has already been and gone but that’s for another discussion). Your poor DD can’t be expected to share with DSS? Can she?

your DD is unhappy. And much as I hate to say it, that’s on you.

I have. DSD was having a hard time with her parents’ divorce, and didn’t want anything to do with me or DD for a long time. Didn’t meet her half-sister til she was 3 yo. We just tried to do things more gradually than we did at the start, and let her get a bit older and more mature, and she came to see we weren’t enemies. She and DD love each other now.

Don’t force it too much, and let her go where she feels most comfortable, but occasionally invite your DD to hang out with her siblings, doing things she particularly likes, and make sure she still has the opportunity for plenty of one-on-one, quality time with you.

I would let her stay with her Dd tbh OP.
She is obviously unhappy sharing her life/home/Mum with the DSC.
Also you need to separate the DSC they need their own rooms . They are too old to share .

Can’t you put yourself in her shoes at that age. Happily living with mum and then there’s a man and other children moving in. None of this benefits her.
I also had a friend who lived separately from her OH for years until most of her children had left home and his were grown up. Her last child was 16 and they do all get along really well as it’s be 10 years and they’ve never had to live together.

The mistake you made obviously was moving her in with 2 people she didn't like. I feel really sad for her, so desperate to get away she'd rather be with her useless father. Now she's been let down by both parents when I'm sure all she wants to feel is like she's someone's priority.

Over 10 year old siblings of different sexes also shouldn't be sharing a room, so this really is a big mess for all the kids. Please consider moving out and please don't bring any more kids into this mess.

You’ve been together 4 years - this problem should have been sorted about three and a half years ago. If she’s always been a sensitive soul and never really been comfortable around them…why on earth did you progress the relationship??

I would have said to this bloke you were dating 3.5 years ago. ‘Look my 6 year old daughter comes first, she’s a sensitive little thing and the very last thing I want to do is screw her up. Your children are just too much for her, she isn’t comfortable around them. Your son ignores her and your DD is so loud and domineering. Let’s just see each other and leave the kids out of it. I can’t have my little girl unhappy in her own home, moving in together is a complete no-no. Let’s keep two houses and see how it goes’.

I feel so sorry for your poor DD - she didn't really get a say in any of this did she?

You're quite disparaging about your DDs father but you've equally not taken her needs into consideration here and now she'd rather not be with you and live with him instead. The reality is you didn't need to move a man and his children in half the time but you did fully knowing she was struggling with it.

Poor girl has neither parent really putting her first.

‘she’s always found them hard to be around tbh. dsd is very full on and loud, dss mostly ignores her. dd’s quiet and likes her own space and routine so it all clashes. they’re not nasty to her but she just doesn’t click with them.’

I would have had sympathy with you op if this was a new thing, but you KNEW this and still went ahead and blended families forcing her to live half her time she’s not at school with children she doesn’t like? That is shockingly selfish. Bluntly, your actions have caused your dd to want to live with her father rather than with you guys, even though he’s useless.

i think you have some tough work to do from here if you want a relationship with your dd when she’s an adult. You have dismissed her thoughts and feelings over the past few years completely in your desire to live with your husband. You put her last.

so now you need to put her first.

I honestly hope this is a troll and no parent would move into a situation that they knew their dc was uncomfortable with.

Did people miss the bit where the op said the step kids were only around every other weekend? That's 1/7 of the time during term time - hardly reason to totally move out!

No child asks to be part of any family though do they?

When siblings come along, its not always happy families, its the nature of families. What works is to support each child develop as positive a relationship with each other as they can.

This isnt about being a step or half or full sibling, its about personalities. we dont always get on with each other, thats life

OP needs to find ways of making life more comfortable for her daughter and supporting her to know that she wont always like everyone in life and thats ok also. Also if she wants to spend more time at dads thats also ok.

Young children are resilient..until they’re not. That’s an adults view unfortunately and we see the result of it in our schools.

Your new husband sounds heartless and maybe that’s what she is picking up on.. he wants her to just get on with it, like it or lump it..He’s sided with his own children and you and your daughter are now on the outside. Not sure how this can work going forward, especially if her own Dad is not interested..poor girl, what an awful situation.

I think unfortunately this happens so so much. So many people put themselves first and take the kids along for the ride.

If that were my daughter, OP, then I would be moving out with her. Did you know before you lived with your partner how your daughter would feel about joining houses? I'm with her - I wouldn't want to live there, either.

If you don't act quickly and give her a happy home then you risk losing her altogether. Look at what she's saying - she'd rather live with her deadbeat dad than stay in the home she's in. That's really shocking. Take action now. (She sounds lovely, btw.)

i don’t think there’s a specific trigger but she’s got more anxious lately in general, probs not helped by all the noise and chaos when they’re here.

How would you like it, even as an adult, if your DH moved a friend in part time who cold shouldered you and was noisy in a way that made it hard to relax? And you had no say in the matter? It would probably make you more anxious too. Your DD has far fewer options and far less resilience and experience to deal with the changes you've forced on her. It's really not surprising she's become more anxious and unhappy.

I don't see how you fix this without divorcing. You should not have moved people into your DD's home whom she was not excited to share her life with.

I think the solutions are:

A) let her go to her dad's, whilst he's useless he doesn't sound like a risk. She may find it's not better.

B) you and your partner live separately during school holidays.

It's an awful situation where there is no good solution. DD definitely shouldn't have to "suck it up" and you DSC shouldn't need to reduced contact with their father.

I was feeling a bit sympathetic to you op but you knew she didn’t like them and still were just so desperate to have another relationship that you steamrolled ahead not considering her needs at all.

And you have the nerve to call her Dad useless!

When will people put their kids first.

Blended families rarely work for all involved as your post demonstrates. Unfortunately, that means you’re now in the difficult position of needing to choose between meeting the needs of your daughter or prioritising your relationship.

Personally, I’d be living separately from DH until her and DSC are older. Your current setup isn’t going to work long term anyway as the DSC shouldn’t be sharing a room. Presumably the solution to that would mean expecting your DD to share with her step sister?

Give her the next 8 years or so and then you’ve got the rest of your life with DH once she’s off at college, uni or whatever