DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

Eow - probably the easiest thing is that dh does stuff with his kids and you take your dd out/do something.

Don't you? I must have missed the part where she took responsibility and said she's leaving the new husband.

It sounds as if you moved in with your current DP too soon. EOW and half the school holidays is a long time to have to live with people you don't get on with.

You both have to do what's best for your respective children, who are still young and impressionable and at a formative point in their development.

You need to discuss with your DP how you want to sort this between you.

Thank god someone has said this!

Meanwhile her dd continue to endure this day in and day out

How is this judgemental? If more people had the same respect for their children as @ThriveIn2025says she would if she and her DH weren’t together, there would be far less emotionally scarred children on the planet.

And anyway, people post on Mumsnet to have their situations judged.

@Alstac , I know this isn't what you want to hear but you should not have moved in with this man. The children aren't compatible with each other and your daughter is suffering.

You've prioritised your needs over his.

You said yourself that "she’s always found them hard to be around tbh. dsd is very full on and loud, dss mostly ignores her. dd’s quiet and likes her own space and routine so it all clashes. they’re not nasty to her but she just doesn’t click with them. we’ve tried stuff all together but dd ends up upset or left out".

Also, it's completely inappropriate that your 11 your old dsd is sharing a bedroom with her 13 year old dss. She is going to need her privacy as she matures.

This situation needs undoing as soon as you possibly can.

Her charming step father is there ALL the time and he sounds like such a nurturing man.

She’s said “This situation is wrong and I feel horrible that DD feels this way in her own home. What can be done?” She clearly disagrees with her DH.

The past 2 years is the past.

There is such a thing as empathy and constructive criticism, you know. “You’ve been selfish, you’re putting your DD through all this, your poor child, what were you thinking?!” etc. is not at all helpful, neither to OP nor her DC.

The “right” choice is very much subjective here. We don’t even have all the answers to our pertinent questions.

Knowing there was a young child who was very unhappy from the very outset and yet the op ploughed ahead regardless… does tend to upset people

OP, is there any chance that something has happened between the children? Any teasing/bullying? For a child to want to leave their own home when another child is there doesn't sound right at all... I think you need to go somewhere quiet and have a good chat to her. Ask her how she thinks it could be made better?

If you don't deal with this head on, you may end up losing her completely. She may go to her fathers and not want to come back.....

The way some people are tearing into OP is crazy. I have no skin in the game as I am single by choice whilst my children are young but the kids are there EOW when she should really be seeing her own dad. This seems like a storm in a tea cup - take her out or send her to her dad's, it's not the end of the world is it?

How would you like to share your home with people you don’t like and who don’t like you every other weekend and the half the holidays? I’m sure you wouldn’t enjoy it, but because she’s a child she’s just supposed to put up with it? Horrible

I'm sorry - but you haven't prioritised your DD at all. She is 10 years old - not 17.
Please don't even consider her sharing a room with with DSD.

I'm usually team "make it work" - but not when a 10 year old is so uncomfortable at home they are figuring out solutions/alternatives.

I have empathy for ops DD who's had no choice in the matter and who's needs as a very young child have been completely overlooked for her mothers wants.

You can believe what you like, but I see a very selfish parent that has done effectively nothing about this issue for at least 2 years.

This is my comment too.

OP, you should have put your daughter first and not blended families until she was older.

Does DH have parents or siblings? It might be an idea for him to “host” his kids in his parents/siblings home for a while to give your daughter a break from the stress.

As she grows into teenage years - a really difficult time - I would seriously consider living apart from DH and going back to a dating relationship until either your daughter feels better about blending, or the older kids grow old enough to not need to stay over.

Always the way. Don't think I'll
ever stop getting shocked at what women will put their kids through just to have a man

Indeed.
You can’t say you didn’t see this coming, op. You apparently just didn’t care.

Endure being berated?? By whom?

Also, have we not considered that maybe the husband just wasn’t thinking clearly when he said DD just needs to learn to get on with her step siblings? Why are we jumping to conclusions about him being a terrible, inconsiderate, nasty person who’s unpleasant to be around? Sometimes we don’t always see other people’s perspective on things, and when we hear about it, it’s like a slap-yourself-on-the-forehead and say “OH! Duh! Why didn’t I see that before?” type of situation. I’m sure the DH will come around to making changes.

"i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable"

Does he now?🙄 He doesn't get to decide who this girl gets along with. He's not her father.

There's really zero reason to not let DD go to her father's those dates if he will have her. Useless or not, she loves him, she has no feelings for the step siblings. And it's probably quiet there. Let her go.

Did you know that the children didn’t gel before you moved in together? Because if you had any inkling at all and you ignored it, I don’t think you’ve got much room to be criticising her DF.

You could take her out for day trips or to see family each time they’re there.
You could buy her the modern day equivalent of an iPod and tell her to stick her earphones in and turn up the volume.
You could let her go to her dad’s and hope he doesn’t let her down.
You could buy her a fridge for her room, a bolt for her door and some noise cancelling headphones
You could tell her that it’s understandable but she’s just going to have to deal with it
You could allow them unlimited screen time
You could do an activity as a family that they would all enjoy and hope they learn to tolerate each other, like Karate or dance or riding lessons.
You could sit them all down individually, talk to them about learning how to cope with different personality types and ask them to make an effort
You could ask DH to see his children at one of their relative’s homes
You could suggest you and DH stay together but live separately until the DC are older, and sell the family home to finance two flats.

I cannot think of any other options.

My DD wouldn’t like this either as she likes calm and quiet too.

I would definitely speak to her dad about her going to his more.

I’m sure the noise and chaos is the main reason but there could also be a part of sadness/envy that they get to see their dad regularly and she doesn’t.

The great thing is that she has told you how she feels, which must have taken a lot for her.
But you must listen to her and make changes.

As well as trying to get her dad more involved, I would also have a day where you and have a day together.
This would also be really good for your DP to spend quality time with his kids too.

Make sure they don’t go in her room and don’t stop her from going in there to get away from it if she needs to.

I would make one room like the kitchen or dining room if you have one, a calmer room for activities like painting or making things.

Pretty thorough!

What do you think about the stepchildren’s behaviour?

I feel very sorry for your DD. She has lost all her autonomy and her support system. She must be feeling pretty fragile.

Does she not have scheduled stays with her dad at all now? If he'll agree to EOW and some holidays, that would be a good thing regardless of the step siblings issue. (Half the time would be ideal, but I appreciate that may not be possible depending on where he lives.) However, she definitely shouldn't feel pushed out by her step siblings and she needs to know that you will prevent that from happening and that if she CHOOSES to spend more time at her dad's, that's OK AND she still has a home with you where she's welcome and safe any time.

I'd go over with her all of things she's unhappy about and see if there's anything that's an easy fix, or can be remedied by some house rules or minor changes in the SC's behaviour (as your husband says she needs to learn to get on with them, surely he also feels that they must learn to get along with her)? If you and your husband are planning to move to a larger house (as it sounds like there aren't enough rooms for everyone where you are) that may be an opportunity to make some changes for everyone's comfort too.