DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

Aw poor poor girl, what an awful life for her.

What are you going to do about it ?

I’m not entirely convinced that my individual child wouldn’t have been happier with a sibling to play with and confide in when she’s older. She is extremely social and good at sharing… My DSDs (16 and 18) also seem to deeply appreciate one another and have a great relationship.

I also know that my mental health and schedule is not at all conducive to having more than one child to care for, so that’s why I went and got sterilized.

If she’s always found them hard to be around, why did you marry your DH and force her to live with them?

If your not going to change the setup, let her stay with he’s dad, it’s the least miserable option out of multiple bad choices l.

What a load of BS, op admits her DD never got along with them, for 2yrs she never blended with them and op still decided to move these people in to her and her DDs home.
She actually had front row eye evidence of how poor the relationships were between them all, it's not like the children were all toddlers and it evolved to the mess it is now, it has never been a healthy, happy situation, you don't need a crystal ball to know it wasn't a smart idea.

And I would add to this that culturally we have moved from a society that embraced multi generational living with large families to smaller and smaller households, less children, fewer siblings and a separation away from other generations.

Im not sure that has been good for society, societies where there is less focus on the individual or the individual family unit tend to have better systems of support and resources and socialisation.

There are arguments for and against of course

Having read your thread from yesterday Op, this poor girl sounds very very unhappy.

You let her down by blending families when she’d always made it clear that it made her unhappy

Another one here completely agreeing. Complete selfishness and just adults putting their wants ahead of their children’s needs because ‘they deserve happiness too right?’ 🙄

Okay, so you’ve continued on berating her. Did that change the mistakes OP made?

I don’t see any evidence of OP avoiding responsibility for her choices.

You put your daughter first. Your partner moves out and finds his own place. Then he is there when he has his kids and can stay with you if you wish when he doesn’t

i don’t know what the solution is

You either live separately or you choose. She'll be up and out that house the second she can and it may not recover in the future.

I wonder what the stepchildren would say about her.

I found it interesting that even your presentation of your DD's feelings is a bit of a contradiction - she both feels left out and wants to be included whilst also wanting them to not disturb her routine and be quiet.

Which isn't meant to be a criticism of her - she probably does feel both of those things but it's equally not that easy for the stepchildren to handle either.

It doesn't sound like it's anyone's sole fault - they could be kinder but you say yourself that your DD is sensitive, doesn't like her routine disturbed and doesn't deal well with noise which is inevitable with three children

In your position, I would look to do a few things:

Reduce the amount of time you all spend together - e.g. DD could spend one weekend a month with her dad which would take it down to only once a month she would see the step children in termtime. Then if you took her away on her own for a week or two a year (holiday or perhaps visiting your family), it also cuts down the holiday time together

Then sit down with the stepchildren to ask them for their perspective in a genuinely open way, perhaps all of you can come up with some ideas for how to make the time together work better

Completely agree.

Poor child.

This.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them.

Your DH has basically washed his hands of the whole matter, sees it as your DD's problem, that she needs to just put up with it. He doesn't, seem according to your post to have come up with any solutions, or even talked to his DC about this. What the heck is he doing to teach THEM to get along with HER in return. She's 10..
DONT make your DD share with her step sister as pp have suggested - not when she feels like this. You say they are loud, noisy and it sounds really chaotic.. what is your DH prepared to do about that? Sounds like he thinks this is all your problem.

It's up to you to ensure your DD feels safe and comfortable in her own home, where she lives full time. It must have taken a lot for her to admit to you that she'd rather live with her Dad, who you've said is pretty useless, than stay in your household. She must be so unhappy to say that. And yet your DH has just dismissed this and doesn't seem to think he has any responsibility to help.

What was your DDs relationship like with the DSC when you and husband decided to move in together and marry?
has something changed for your DD? As surely you’d never have gone through with this if she showed the slightest hint of being unhappy?

why is EOW that your DSC are with you, and DD with her dad a problem? Your DSC are not your DDs family.

The solution is very, very obvious but it does involve putting your daughter's needs before your own wants.

It sounds very difficult.

Whose house is it?

I would move out; I wouldn't want to be uncomfortable in my own home (admittedly I haven't been in your situation so it's easy to say what I would do).

I've just read OP's other thread. Her daughter is really struggling at school and at home when OP's step-children are there. There doesn't seem to be a safe space for her. No wonder she is so sad.

All these ugly replies, chastising and criticizing the OP.. She is a good mum trying to look after her daughter, asking for advice!
Maybe she made a mistake, maybe she didnt; maybe the situation looked/felt very differently in the past, none of you can possibly know or have any right to judge typing from your phones.

Yes this really. You should never have put her in this position.

My daughter would always come first.

You should have found this out before they became your stepchildren, and if you don't want your daughter to want to go and live were her father, not had them become your stepchildren.
How would you feel if she dragged some random adult into the household and said you had to live with him now because he was her new fake dad?

She's avoided responsibility for her daughters best interests rom the moment she moved these people into her house which was 2 years ago.
2 years of ignoring her daughters discomfort. How long do we give op to ponder over her poor choices with understanding grace whilst her daughter is in distress?

Is op even posting for an answer she will action or is she looking for sympathy and for people to back up her lovely husbands stance so she can further avoid responsibility?

She needs to understand how wrong she has been so she can make the right choice before it's too late.

Very judgemental

OP, it seems there are a few things at play here. Firstly, your DD is an only child and only seeing the step siblings EOW. So of course it would feel unnatural, awkward and uncomfortable as most of the time they aren't there; so they are a bit like annoying guests. They probably feel similar for the same reason. Add to the that the different personalities and a teen, it gets difficult.
However, the good thing is your DD only has to be around them EOW and some holidays, that's not too bad imo. Your DH is right that she does need to learn to share her space to an extent. However it is not ok for his son to be ignoring her, your DH needs to pull him up on that behaviour. Also agree that the DSC should not be sharing a room given their ages and sex.
For now, try to plan some things with DD outside the house, various outings or a hobby, something she would enjoy doing. In the meantime you can have a thinly whether to 'un-blend' entirely, but try to address the above points first x