DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

I don’t think I articulated myself very well.

there’s a huge difference between this situation and situations where the nuclear family doesn’t turn out quite as planned.

the difference is knowledge. When you have a second child, you’re not doing so with any knowledge whatsoever whether they’ll get on with your first child.

in this situation, the op KNEW her dd didn’t get on with her then boyfriends children. And she pushed on to move in with them all anyway.

I'm talking about adult children expressing that their life has not been made better, and in sometimes made worse by having a sibling. I'm not taking about little children. And I didn't say about children being left to choose whether they get siblings or not. I said adults need to be honest that having a second or subsequent child is for their own benefit and want. Many parents try to tell themselves that baby 2,3,4 is for the good of existing children when in reality it is a selfish decision (selfish as in 'for themselves ', not selfish = inherently bad)

Totally agree @Never2many, there is thread after thread of the issues caused on here. I’m still fairly young but one thing I know with 100% certainty is that if anything happens to DH or we split I will never subject my children to having to share their home with a man of my choosing, let alone his children too.

I’d let your child get the peace she craves at her Dad’s.

I feel so sorry for your daughter OP. Home should be her safe place and her haven but she has to share it with two other children who aren't particularly nice to her and who sound like they take over when they arrive.

As other posters have said, she told you that she didn't really like them or feel comfortable with them, but you went ahead and married your DH and blended the two families, to the detriment of your daughter. Your DH doesn't sound at all sympathetic when he puts the onus on your daughter to get on with his boisterous children.

She will grow up resenting you and it could permanently damage your relationship.

she’s always found them hard to be around tbh

and yet you ploughed ahead with the relationship, moved in together and married him

all the while knowing your child was unhappy

she’s always found them hard to be around tbh. dsd is very full on and loud, dss mostly ignores her. dd’s quiet and likes her own space and routine so it all clashes. they’re not nasty to her but she just doesn’t click with them. we’ve tried stuff all together but dd ends up upset or left out.

If they were her "blood" siblings, she'd have to put up with it. I think she probably needs your help to toughen up a bit, and learn she isn't always going to be the only child or the only person who is considered. But then I'm the eldest of have 6 siblings and getting upset or feeling left out is quite normal in sibling relationships at these ages, and really it's hard cheese. It's what being siblings is, sometimes, particularly in adolescence.

At 13, it's unlikely that your DSD is going to be interested in a 10 year old.

She's going to have to learn to share - time, space, attention. Most children learn that when they have siblings, or if not, they learn quite early at school.

This is exactly what stood out to me as well.

Youve made your bed OP, and hers as well unfortunately. Poor girl

The responses are harsh indeed @LastPostISwear, but maybe horrible as it is for the op to hear, she needs to hear it, to own it, to be able to put it right.
im not sure responses like ‘never mind, you didn’t know, tell her to suck it up you’re a family now’ will do any good long term for the op and her dds relationship

Unless you can arrange for the step siblings to spend less time at your house, I think you should facilitate her going to her dad’s. It must be horrendous feeling pushed out in your own home, which is what is inevitably going to happen when there are two siblings living with a step sibling. Of course they will prioritise each other over her and push her out, and she shouldn’t have to deal with that in her home. She needs someone to put her first and that’s you.

The original context was parents deciding to have more children, in comparison to parents who create blended families. To what extent the existing child(ren)’s feelings on getting new siblings matter, vs the happiness/desires of the parents.

Adults saying they would have rather not have had their siblings is kind of irrelevant.

And sometimes siblings are good for existing children. I don’t want more than one child, but I often wonder if I’ve been selfish not to give my DD a sibling closer to her age.

I met my DH 10 years ago, he has a now teenager and we have two children together. It’s been an eye opener - I was a single woman and so naive. I would never have another adult live with my kids now. You have to compromise and balance the priorities of another adult with your kids and it’s just not consistent with raising children. My DSS has half siblings in both households, his half siblings have other half siblings on their paternal side (DSS step sibling), the half sibling who’s DSS step sibling has half siblings and step siblings - what a tangled web!

That’s not helpful to OP though.

Other than your discomfort OP I can’t see the issue in DD having her contact time at alternate time to your DH’s DC.

@ParmaVioletTea
The dsd is 11. It's the dss who is 13.

Poor, poor child. But as long as the adults are happy, I guess. After all, children are resilient. Aye.

Ridiculous. I know plenty of “blended families” who get on perfectly well and plenty of toxic “non blended” families.

Questions rather than advice at this point…

It sounds like she has a lot on her mind. Have you had a big chat with her to get everything out in the open?

How often does she currently stay with her father? Could you trial it for a few EOWs? Is there a chance he will say no to her staying and make her feel even worse?

Not sure if you or DH moved into the other’s house or bought somewhere new but this is relevant in terms of impact on DD.

Your DH’s response that ‘she needs to learn to get on with them’ sounds really dismissive and uncaring. What do his two do to try to get on with DD? Is he parenting them properly or being a Disney dad?

I do agree with PP that the DSC shouldn’t be regularly sharing a room. Do you have space for a room each? If not, will your DH expect to install his DD your DD’s room the minute she goes to her dad’s?

Apologies if I’ve missed it, but was the house already yours before DH & his children lived in? I feel like if this were the case, it might have increased the resentment she feels, ie that her home has been “invaded” for want of a better word.

Eirher way, if she is genuinely unhappy with the current status quo, I don’t think she should have to live like this for another 8+ years.

Two things, really:

• why aren’t they including her? Is it deliberate? Maybe some low key bullying going on?
• does she get along with her stepfather when they’re not there or does she generally dislike the whole set up?

I’m not saying so much “never mind, you didn’t know, suck it up because you’re a family now,” but rather, “OP didn’t know this would work out this way, having no experience with it. We/she should cut her/herself some slack. Yes this is a complex problem, but berating her for her previous decisions and mistakes doesn’t turn back the clock, and moving back out isn’t as easy as people are making it out to be.”

Obviously OP is trying to take steps to make things better, and to be on her DD’s side and maintain their relationship, going forward.

You haven't been selfish. There's numerous studies which conclude quite significantly that only children are healthier in both physical and mental health, more successful and happier in childhood and adulthood than children with siblings. Obviously they'll be anecdotal evidence on both sides, but the real studies show a clear winner.

Honestly, she should be with her DF at least EOW anyway as that is bare bloody minimum. Can you not arrange that for her? Will he step up for that?

Totally agree with this

Me too to be honest.

Oh right yes, I got that tangled up.

It's interesting, reading through PPs' thoughts on blended families, whereas a family with all fully related siblings are seen as quite normal, and the youngest DC in that situation would be required to deal with it.

The same kinds of experiences of exclusion, or overload, can happen in families with three fully related DC (ie. all with the same parents)!

I wouldn't be without ALL of my tribe of siblings now, but sometimes life in my family was tough. My parents made sure that we all had one on one time with oe or other of them, but it's still tough to share all of that.

She has always found having the step siblings hard to be around, so you chose the ignore this and get married anyway. Poor child 😢

4 years is a very short time to meet, marry and move in with someone when both of you have children. I’m not surprised your daughter isn’t happy. If she’s never liked them then why did you think forcing her to live with them was a good idea?