DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

Jesus the majority of separated and divorced women with children repartner or remarry you know? You’re making out like she’s torturing the girl and also making out that she’s some sort of slut with her insatiable need for cock driving her behaviour. It’s only on here where you absolutely can’t be a good parent (mother I should specify because this isn’t said to/about men) if you have a relationship with a man. He is always a stranger whom the child inevitably hates and it ruins the child’s life. It bears little relation to reality but it’s very annoying.

One is newly an adult. The other is still a child

It was clear her girl was deeply unhappy. She could have stayed in a relationship with him, just not lived together.

There ARE options!!

If I married every man who simply provided me dick, I think they’d probably stop issuing me marriage licenses…

MIL grew up living in a single room with everyone. She wasn’t unusual. It’s why all the men joined the navy etc as soon as they could to get away.

I don’t think saying lots of women remarry makes it okay. I worked in a non pastoral role in a school and I can tell you lots of stories of women prioritising men over their children, moving horrible men into their homes.
There is good reason why some teenagers are so badly behaved at school, it was never a surprise when mum would turn up with a new man and a new baby for meetings. Often making it very clear she was not that interested in them anymore.

But there’s a bit of a difference between marrying a “horrible” man and a decent one, isn’t there? While the DH here seems to be being a bit callous towards DD, OP hasn’t said DD is unhappy with her stepdad, or anything that makes me inclined to believe he’s horrible

Well he did say it was DDs problem to get over, didn’t suggest doing anything about his children’s behaviour to fix it. I don’t think he’s a prince.

He could just be having a moment of shortsightedness… hopefully

I meant they were random strangers at the time OP introduced them, rather than family members, friends or classmates, etc. The point is they weren't people the dd had any input or choice into having in her life, let alone becoming her "family".

I mean it's pretty obvious they aren't strangers now she's lived with them, that would be a contradiction in terms.

No well you don’t get a choice with new siblings either do you? My friend has two boys, the younger (7) is disabled and has high needs. Her older one (12) says horrible things about the situation- how he hates his life, didn’t ask for a brother etc. It does have an impact on him so he has a point but he has to live with it - it is life. I mean technically he could move out and live with his dad so that he gets his peace and freedom but my friend doesn’t want that and wouldn’t let him. And I wonder how many of the “you must divorce him immediately” crowd would tell her that she absolutely must do this because she has to put his feelings above all else because he never asked for this.
Also I suspect that this girl is very rigid in her thinking because of her suspected ASD and that maybe following a diagnosis she can be given more support and learn to deal with the situation better.

Not even remotely the same situation. Marriage can be reversed.

The younger boy's disability cannot be.

My own sister has done something similar. Her 3 young children are desperately unhappy that my sister has moved a man and his 3 children into their home. She did so after they had been dating 9 months. It has affected the youngest so badly that he's now at risk of exclusion from primary school.

We don't talk any more because she screams at me if I ever mention how unhappy my niece and nephew are.

I don't recognise her anymore. Decent mothers don't put their own happiness over that of their children.

Absolutely. These comparisons make zero sense.

One is a choice. The other is not.

They most likely weren’t strangers before they moved in together, either, even if she didn’t choose that.

This. Except I'd say 'parents', not just mothers.

EOW typically means “every other weekend” not “every other week” so the DSC are not over OP’s house “half the time.”

My DD is almost 12 and I have never even brought anyone that I am dating around because I have never felt any of them were serious enough. I have a male friend that comes round from time to time and she’s even said she doesn’t really like it bevause she feels like she doesn’t want to come in the sitting room. No skin off my nose if he doesn’t come round if it makes my DD more comfortable in here home. I know at this point in her life trying to move a man in would be a disaster so it wouldn’t happen.

The op isn’t going to come back

Could you suggest that when his kids are around, you and her spend lots of quality one on one time together and leave your husband to look after his own kids? Doesn’t have to be for the whole day but you could use the time to do nice things together, go shopping, swimming etc, a hobby that interests her or just normal chores like grocery shopping with a hot chocolate thrown in. You can all reconnect again for a family dinner. Maybe if she felt more prioritised and she knows she is your number 1. I’d be devastated to lose her to her useless Dad, I suspect that won’t be very good for her either, I have 4 children and I know they all love special time with just a parent. Perhaps if she had breaks from it all, it wouldn’t feel so intense.

@Nimbus1999 - zombie thread from May

TBH I think the only solution is to unblend the family. It isn't working. Imagine feeling left out in your own home regularly.

The OP's never come back.
They have chosen a man over their own children a long time and wouldn't dream of reversing such a situation.

When that child grows up and goes no contact, she will be applauded to do so.

A good woman and mother would never end up putting a man ahead of her child and causing her child to feel unwelcome.

Step father rightly doesn't give a shit about her child.
He is housed and OP is probably the house skivvy as well.