You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

I'd dump your husband to be honest. He sounds shit and is modelling ungrateful behaviour to his daughters. The nobhead.

Just stop doing stuff for them, immediately, as PP have said. DH and DSC can’t have it both ways.

Well, if you stop doing everything for their ungrateful selves (him too) it will likely lead to divorce sooner or later anyway.

Historically, despots has never reacted well to the worm turning.

This is what I think. It’s the age old story isn’t it!

To make conversations etc as they never speak to me. To be interested and supportive of their lives etc

You are not there mum. They can appreciate what you do for them but that doesn’t mean they should be obliged to give you something on Mother’s Day. Plus they are kids, it’s the adults in their life’s job to look after them.

You can’t expect a Mother’s Day card when things are clearly very strained.
You need to work on your relationship before you make demands about being appreciated specifically on Mother’s Day.
If my dad had bought a Mother’s Day card on my behalf for a stepmom I was barely on speaking terms with, I’d be absolutely livid.

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

No it absolutely doesn't.

I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays

This ^^ is your problem (or rather HE is your problem), not your stepdaughters who haven't asked for a useless father who treats his wife like a skivvy.

Nothing to do with Mother's Day at all.

I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays.

Why are you doing all this when you're not their mum? Why isn't their dad doing stuff for them and paying for their holidays?

It's true though. Why put up with it? People treat you how you let them.

Their mum is doing what mum's do.

You are doing what their dad should do so why would they appreciate it in the same way?

You need to step back and 'Dad' needs to step up.

But in this example the father established this tradition since this little girl was very young - she didn’t decide this in her own - and had she been older when she met her step mum she might have felt weird about it. I hope the dad also did this for the child’s mother.

that’s nice, but OP remember you can into these children’s lives when they were older. Why do you need the recognition on Mother’s Day?

they should buy you nice gifts at Christmas. They should recognise your birthday and buy you a nice gift - even a note in the card thank you for everything you do for them. Would this be enough? Is it the recognition on Mother’s Day in particular that you need, or just so validation and thanks in general?

you are on a hiding to nothing if you want them to recognize you as a mother - but they absolutely should be polite and open to your place in the family

If my dad had bought a Mother’s Day card on my behalf for a stepmom I was barely on speaking terms with, I’d be absolutely livid.

And this is fair enough. I would be, too.

In your partner's shoes, I wouldn't push the children to give you something for mother's day, because that's not fair pressure on them, but given everything you do for your stepchildren, it definitely would have been appropriate for him to acknowledge you with a bunch of flowers. His reaction was awful.

How old are these two children? Once past a certain age children usually buy their own cards for people.

Presumably they are not with you all the time, just sometimes.

There are plenty of Mothers Day 'Step Mum' cards about. Just saying.

It’s a mumsnet cliché but you have a DH problem.

Firstly, you’re not their mum. It doesn’t matter how many washings you do or holidays you pay for, you will never be on a level with their mum. They should obviously be appreciative and polite to you as a matter of course but you’re not entitled to a Mother’s Day card. It’s a totally different thing.

Why you’re actually doing your husband’s parenting, both practically and financially, is the real issue here. What on earth does he bring to the table? Does he work or contribute at all? Stop martyring yourself for someone who clearly sees you as a dogsbody and tell him to parent and pay for his kids!

I’d put it all back onto him, TBH. He does all the caring for them including washing and cooking - you’re not their mum. When he asks why, explain you are not their mum and they aren’t your responsibility.

In a nutshell this is it.

It’s disheartening isn’t it. Even if he recognised that for his own reasons he didn’t feel a card was appropriate it found a way to demonstrate appreciation for what you do, that would be ok I think. It’s the complete disregard.

hooe you’re ok.

Hopefully you won't bother cos you won't be with him. I am appalled at the shit some women put up with.

But practically, how will this work? Will she make one meal for her and her children and then leave him to make another for him and his children?

Will they each put one load of whites in the machine separately?

Will he refuse to drop her kids or pick them up from anywhere?

The result of this will be a very fractured family. She may as well just end the marriage now rather than put the kids through years of this first.

I don’t want to be on the same level as their mum. I just want to be treated nicely and the same way I treat my husband - he is the one that wants everyone treated the same and recognised the same. Today this is a him problem I completely agree .

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it

that sums up how you are viewed by your stepchildren

and they will have their reasons for that view

They aren’t strained. His kids just don’t really chat! They barely speak to him either tbh.l, my kids are much chattier

I don’t drive them about but I agree, it makes no sense ( time , financial or effort) to not just do it all in bulk!