You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

Because like literally every post on here, it’s a snapshot of a life, a family, a situation. It’s never the full story.

Are you a step parent?

OP, what he said was really rude, disrespectful and down right nasty.

Married only two years? He sounds awful.
Why are you skivvy for his children?
Think about what you are modelling to your children.
We teach people how to treat us.
You have brought a lazy disrespectful man into your childrens lives.

He gave you the unfiltered truth.
You are useful to skivvy and pay for holidays?
So disrespectful of you.
You write he has apologised?
fine, but you need to remember this.

You are starting a new job and things definitely need to change?
Drop the rope re laundry and doing cooking, shopping, bed changing for his children.
Tell that lazy, disrespectful arse to sort his children out.
You need to value yourself, all you do for everyone and what your children see, a LOT more.

You sound take advantage of and massively unappreciated.
That needs to change. Today.

Take this as a massive wake up call.
Stop skivvying for his children and save your time for your own children.
Likewise your money.

Stop allowing yourself to be made so little of in front of your children.

Teenagers are assholes. All of them even the ones we give birth too. You have a husband problem

I honestly think that for some first wives/former SC who are projecting, the only acceptable way of being a stepmum would be to transfer money to the SC (but anonymously so they don’t take any credit) and nip round to tidy up and do the food shop when nobody is home. Any sign of existence or relevance whatsoever seems to be wrong and audacious. Some first wives and DSCs really do have what my 13 year old would call ‘main character syndrome’.

Or a bangmaid.

Ok so that's a husband problem, not a stepchildren not getting you a card problem.

I get a Mother’s Day card from my step children (teens), it’s normally a “thank you” one. It’s not a difficult situation to work out. Your husband is being a twat.

This. There is not a chance I would ever cook, clean or launder for those kids ever again.

I asked for DP’s to spend every Mother’s Day with their real mum. He arranges it. I’m not happy if I’m hanging around feeling like a skiv who doesn’t exist while they are being driven over to exw to drop off presents for her. But she wouldn’t be happy if her kids were having her Mother’s Day lunch out with me.

Op, it’s not a snapshot that you do most of the work for them. That sounds like every day of every week that they are at yours, anything but a snapshot. I hope you’ve clearly allocate specific tasks that account for more rhan half of the jobs to him for starting your new job- a list like
dp jobs
sheets every Friday of weeks dc stay, stripped, washed and in cupboards and beds freshly made- the dc should do this but if they don’t it’s on you
meal plan, shop and cook for Sunday through Wednesday.
bathrooms every weekend

I really struggle with buying my step mum a mother's day card her and my dad got together when I was 22, I've never lived with them and I'm not close with her. I don't dislike her but she's not my mum and never will be. She's not motherly at all towards me. Yet my dad basically forces me to send her one.

In those circumstances I wouldn’t send the card. you are an adult and you need to assert your independence.

it is for you to define your family, not your dad.

send them a dad and step mum Christmas card. Send her birthday cards. But Wendi g a Mother’s Day card to a woman who was never a parental figure in your life is ridiculous.

Hi
It was in a way nice to hear another woman voice the difficulty I feel often
my step daughters mum is a crack cocaine addict and not in her life much
I am the one raising her- do most the childcare as my partner earns more. We are
currently in a stressful situation of a court order saying supervised contact and information the drugs are bad again (risk of subjecting a 5 year old to a psychotic episode- as happened before)
Yet cafcass advise not to go against the court order and continue until Julys court date
I got emotional obviously as so worried about the repercussions and was told I should not make it about me and be supportive as ‘his her parent’
after cooking her dinner ironing her uniform and playing with her while he was working for the previous 2 hours I handed him her washing to put away and said as your her parent you can do that then
maybe im reactive but so hurt constantly put my life on hold to raise someone elses child yet at the end of the day her mother gave birth to her so im seen as nothing with no rights
hurts shen he mirrors this feeling!!