You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

I didn't say they should, I was simply saying that there are plenty of options now that don't say it's To Mum. So there's no excuse for him saying she's not their mum. Her partner was buying the card. There are plenty that say to my wife to my partner, et cetera thanking them for the role they do play in their children's lives. It's just an acknowledgement of the care time energy effort they put in, especially into the things that were traditionally a mother's role in the home.

It's fine if the kids don't feel it, but there's nothing to stop him being an adult and appreciating it

I'm not twisting anything. Yes, he could've shown appreciation for the things you do for his daughters. But if he's really good with your kids and Good and other ways, does it really matter this much?

What mattered was his response.

OP, @SecretSoul and @jacks11 have both kind of hit the nail on the head.

Mothers Day (along with cards, gifts etc) in my opinion is for Mothers. I get that you do their washing, cook their meals, drive them round etc etc (I do the same for my DSD) but that doesn't mean they think of you as a mother figure. Nor should they.

I think my DSD would feel uncomfortable if DH made her give me a card on Mothers Day as I'm not her mum.

If you choose to buy your DH a card from your kids for Fathers Day then that's on you, not on any of the kids in this scenario.

But he was just stating a fact. You're not their mum? Just like he isn't your children's dad?

Mothers Day is for mums and Fathers Day is for dads.

It really isn't any more complicated than that.

i grew up with an amazing step mum. She’s amazing but she’s not my “mum” and never will be - regardless of how much practical stuff she did for my growing up.
I always thank her for what she does (and did growing up) and show appreciation. However I wouldn’t do this on Mother’s Day specifically - as she’s not my mum. I feel acknowledging her in this way would be disrespectful to my own mum as my relationship with her is in no way close to the relationship I have with my step mum.

my Dd is now in a similar situation as me. She’s only 10 and I did say to her ‘did you text stepmum’ or ‘do you want to get stepmum a card?’ She genuinely looked puzzled and said “but she’s not my mum?? I only have one mum. I don’t want stepmum to be my mum”

she does her washing & ironing, cooks her meals etc when she’s at her dads 2-3 nights a week. She is appreciative of that (as much as any 10’year old can be) but she just doesn’t see her as a mum. I think that’s fair enough. So long as she shows her thanks and appreciation for what she does do for her then I don’t see the issue?

doing washing/ironing/cooking or giving money to someone doesn’t make you a parent IMO

You'd be doing them a favour by teaching them how to do their own laundry, and how to cook a few meals. Life skills.

You don't even have to Google, I've seen them in every supermarket. You also get generic ones that just say happy mother's day.

I bought one for my friend because it's her first mother's day as a single mum and I wasn't sure if her useless prick of an ex would arrange anything. She's not my mum but I see how great a mum she is even through the difficulty of the last year. I didn't want the day to pass without someone acknowledging how wonderful she is and what a great job she's doing. I'm sure OPs DH could have managed the same.

You sound like such a lovely friend ❤️

I’m not their mum, not my job

( as everyone keeps telling me )

Did your DH sort the children's mothers card/gift?

For their mum? No. Oldest is 16 he assumed she sorted it herself, they didn’t ask him for help ( or money) like they have done in previous years.

I have been a stepmum for nearly 9 years. The kids lived between homes, with their mum one week, us the next, 50/50 for a number of years. When the kids became teenagers they chose to live with us the majority, seeing their mum every other weekend.

I don't work so naturally the majority of household chores fall to me, I have no problem with this as it suits us all. Of course it does mean I am doing way more for the kids on a daily basis than their own mother. From what I gather she has never done much in the way of domestic tasks.

I would never expect a Mother's Day card from my step boys, I think that is a very entitled attitude to have. I am not their mum. Tbh average teenage boys are unlikely to get anyone a card anyway.

I also don't feel the need for my DH to show any special type of appreciation on this specific day as he lets me know how appreciated I am all the time. Your DH is the one who should be making more of an effort if you are feeling under appreciated.

Well I’m glad your husband has at least apologised to you because his attitude and his words were bang out of order!
I don’t think the SC should have necessarily bought you a card but your husband should have at least bought you a bunch of flowers or whatever, to thank you for all you do for his children.

I have a full time job but from home so I seem to do all the house and kids tasks as well! I wouldn’t mind as much if I didn’t have to work.

Funny how non stepkids who are teens are old enough to do their own washing as is often said on this site.

I have a full time job but from home so I seem to do all the house and kids tasks as well

This is so clearly the root of the problem. Instead of just an apology, I would ask your DH to step up and resolve this, how about he becomes responsible for all the laundry for example?

I’m starting a new job soon so things have to change and he is aware that he needs to step up.

Ah, I feel for you. It's hard not to be acknowledged when you do so much xx

I mean we wouldn’t have been happier but thanks for coming by! My DH would have been better off if he stayed married to his first wife due to the large amounts he pays in CMS but he didn’t and everyone needs to live somewhere and I can imagine the outrage if step kids had to, gasp, share a room!

Why are you still reading?!? It’s not me that needs to grow up evidently