You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

Why shouldn’t OP expect a card from her step children?
I have been a step mum since my step kids were 2&3. No im not their mother and never have tried to be, but there is a huge element of caring when they are with me and their dad every week. The children were always with their mum on Mother’s Day, rightly so, but my husband facilitated a card and flowers until they were old enough to do it themselves. The eldest teen doesn’t do anything anymore but I still get flowers from the younger one.

I think it’s mean or your husband to say what he did, but if you were not part of their younger years, I can see why teens would see you a different way. However, try not to alienate yourself from th, at the end of the day they are still children x

He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

Op, he's always asking you to make more effort? In what regard, given that you're doing so much for them?

That to me is the most concerning thing you've said.

It was clumsily worded but I agree with the sentiment.

I don’t think you should stop being an adult who cares for the girls, just as I don’t think he should treat yours badly by excluding them from things like meals and general adult responsibilities but it’s fine to have boundaries.

He sees you as his wife who helps out with his children. I assume that he sees himself as your husband who helps out with your children. Nothing more, nothing less. If you split up, you’d not see each other’s children again.

❤️ I try to do my very best for my stepdaughter and her mum is still very much alive.
It’s only kindness after all, to each other and as you say I have her dad with me.
Her mum and I are also in touch so have no animosity because we want the best for her.

No cards for me as a step mum, I would never expect it either.
Equally, I wouldn't be doing all that stuff for my SC. Does your DH do equal amounts of housework? How come you do housework AND pay the bills?

I wouldn't be happy. My DSD always buys me a card and usually flowers too. My DH did this for her when she was younger and she's carried on.
I'd actually be really upset if DH said that to me. I would stop doing stuff for them now and when you're asked why remind them you're not their mum. They can't have it both ways.

I wouldn't expect one from SDC. Either their mum is there, in which case they will likely feel unloyal. Or their mum is dead or absent in which case its going to be a delicate topic unless they initiate it.
Your birthday is different, but mothers and fathers day is for them specifically not just anyone who does care.

I don’t expect them to see me as their mother, I expect them to appreciate the things I do for them in the same way they appreciate their mum for doing them!

But you aren’t their mum.
You shouldn’t be doing everything for them. They should all show their appreciation of you for what you do. But not by pretending you’re their mum.

Nope. But I guess it’s my choice to go.

I’ve never asked them to pretend that. At all.

Well, is it acceptable to you or not? Not a laughing matter to divorce but your stepdaughters have shown you clearly that they don't care about you, in spite of what you do for them - and your cheeky twat of a husband has backed that up.

Your plan is to do the same on fathers day. Justified in my opinion but what's the point? He doesn't give respect to you and a card for fathers day or not will probably hurt you more than him.

Stick by this pseudo-family if you want to, it's your life - and that of your own children who matter.

I’m a stepmum of a disabled sdd
my sdc lives with us and has 4 overnight stays with her mum a month.
I do appointments, washing, school admin, pre and after school stuff. I work around my sdc because that’s what works for our family.

if my dh didn’t acknowledge this with a £5 card once a year id feel very upset. The card says happy step Mother’s Day and thank you for all you do. Sdd’s mother knows nothing about it, we’re not rubbing her nose in it.

families come in all shapes and set ups.

Agree with this. You’re not their mother - it’s a point of fact. Presumably they buy their mother a card?!

But that’s what Mother’s Day is for. In that vain, should you expect a Father’s Day card too?
I’ve been the stepchild forced to celebrate a stepmother on Mother’s Day, and it hurt to have to pretend. If I were ever to become a stepmum, I would never expect that of sc

I am closer to my stepmum them my actual mum. I'd still never give her a gift or card. Too much guilt and confusion.

It’s Mother’s Day. Not ‘appreciate everyone who does everything for you day’. You’re not their mother. You’ve played no role in their early years. You’re not their mother. I can’t say that enough times. Your entitlement is astounding.

Yes, the shops sell cards for stepmums, grandmas, like a mums, they sell cards for all the different people that someone might want to recognise on Mother’s Day. That doesn’t mean it’s a right. It means that someone, somewhere might want to get their stepmum a card (or their gran, or their paid nanny, or anyone!). And it’s lovely if they feel like they do. But that doesn’t mean every stepmum is entitled to one.

Some boys (and I assume men?) recognise their single mums on Father’s Day too. But again, that’s not something every single mum expects. It’s just some people feel it’s something that they want to do. Others want to recognise their step mum on Mother’s Day. Many do not.

Really, it’s the day for celebrating the one mum that we all have. Not everyone who has washed your clothes in your teens.

And most importantly, they are old enough to decide themselves whether they want to get you a card. They clearly didn’t, and I am very much on your husband’s side for not forcing them. He’s quite right, you’re not their mum, and I’m genuinely stunned that you asked him where your card was. I would be livid if I found out that one of my children was being forced to buy Mother’s Day cards and gifts for their stepmum to keep her happy (but equally would be more than happy if they genuinely wanted to get their hypothetical stepmum something).

Children are not there to meet the needs of adults! They’re entitled to have their needs met by adults - 2 entirely different things. And entitled to have their needs met by their own parents, as someone else said. It isn’t their fault that their dad is ‘spreading the (HIS) parenting load with his new wife’. Your husband could choose to buy you flowers to acknowledge the load you take from his shoulders in helping care for his children. Because that’s what you’re actually doing. Some of his parenting for him.

This! I'm a stepmom and don't expect dsc to get me anything.
However, she got me a lovely stepmum card (Tesco's has a great range) and chocolates.
She's seeing her mum this afternoon with her present.
Getting me a card is not a slight against her mum, I'm just an other mother figure who supports and loves her.

I would have expected something small as a token thank you. Not necessarily even from the children. Just a small box of chocolates and 'thanks for all you do, the kids really appreciate it'.

Edited for typo!

I’m sure you will have been step mum basher here . You should divorce him , he seems horrible. Stop doing their washing etc .

So he's unemployed? If he isn't contributing to the household in any way them this thread isn't really about the card.

You are doing too much & expecting too much in return.

I’ve been with my now DH 11 years - in that time I’ve never received a Mother’s Day card, birthday card or text message from the SC. I don’t expect it.

I’m not their mum, I’m their dad's wife. If we ever divorced / split up I very much doubt I’d see them again (their choice).

Stop doing all that stuff for them, their dad can run around after them.

If you don’t expect it, you won’t be disappointed.

Stop doing all the donkey work e.g. washing, cooking etc. Them and your husband can't have it both ways. Even though they seem to think they can

My SC get me a card (facilitated by my DH)- it's usually more of a generic "thank you for everything you do for us" than a full Happy Mother's Day type thing but it's a nice token of appreciation. My kids also get my DH (their stepdad a card) with some sarcastic message on. It's not all lovey dovey but it's an acknowledgement and I think that's nice.

Then I think you have got it wrong by conflating this with Mother’s Day.

these are children. They didn’t chose for their parents to separate and their dad to remarry. As you say you aren’t their mother but you chose to do things for them to save your husband having to do it.

The girls should of course be civil, polite even!, and say thank you. In the same way they should be polite to any adult who does something for them.

But it’s not a Mother’s Day issue.

I take my niece out once a week, I take her on fantastic holidays, I pay her pocket money, I collect her from school, I take her clothes shopping, I look after her regularly. I don’t expect a Mother’s Day card because I am not her mother. But I do expect her say thank you (which she does!)