You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

But they are not all the same. Some are your kids, some aren't. Your h has two hands I assume so he can do the washing. Why are YOU doing all of the washing anyway ? Even without step kids you'd expect a partner to do half ?

I'd stop doing anything for them and when challenged "I'm not their mum remember ? You made that quite clear."

Doesn't matter who's Mum you are.. you're still a Mum.
My daughter is in a same sex relationship.. and children from each parent bought cards/ presents for the other one.
I even got a Happy Mother's day Granny card.
If they are teenagers .. they are old enough to buy a card for you themselves.
Hubby and kids..showing no respect or gratitude or love.. I'd be upset too.
Somehow l hope you get through the day.
And from one Mum to another..
Happy Mother's day.💐

There you go.

I know this will be an unpopular opinion but I disagree with the people saying "don’t do their washing any more" etc. Do you really only want to do things for them in a transactional way? (If they are 18 and 19 you might have a point, but not if they are 13 and 14.)

Do they call you "Mum"? Perhaps they think of you as a helpful adult, but not as a mum. You do a lot for them (and perhaps they and your DH don’t thank or appreciate you enough) but you're not their mum. Presumably they have or remember their birth mum.

But your DH needs to encourage them to show appreciation in some way.

its an insolent remark, like a gauntlet in fact …

You shouldn't be doing anything for teenagers you've only known for 2 years. He should be. Stop doing their cooking / laundry / drop offs and pick ups and focus on your kids.

whilst he is rubbing your nose in the fact that to him, you are not

I don’t do day to day “mum” drudgery for my stepchild for precisely this reason - because when push comes to shove, I’m not her mother. Neither she, nor DH, nor his ex see me this way (and why should they - bizarre idea) so entering into some one woman delusion would be silly.
”treat them like your own, but never for a second forget that they are not your own” …
well I politely decline. DH can pick his own kids pants up off the floor, he’s perfectly capable.
No Mother’s Day acknowledgement is required or expected on this basis.
OP, I’d have a real problem with your DHs attitude towards all you do for his kids, and definitely be pushing the work back to him.

I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays
Who expects you to do it?

I know it’s not the point of the thread, but teenagers should at the very least should be doing their own washing.

There are cards that specifically say stepmum
on them. It’s not trying to replace their mother, it’s a token of appreciation for all that you do.

I would be pissed off too.

Tesco has them.

Is your husband paying for anything? Like, does he pay for half the holidays?

That was exactly my point @Bellyblueboy

It’s down to your DH’s attitude and I think you should show him this thread.
The lack of recognition is hurtful.
With his girls, he should have arranged a card… “thank you for all you do”

Its early days in your step mum/daughter relationship so a Mum card might feel a bit disloyal for the girls. But their dad has to set the tone moving forward.

A 🚩 that only 5 years into your relationship and he’s already this oblivious of your feelings.

firstly Your husband is a dick for saying that!
secondly if the step kids wanted to get you a card ,they would have.
Thirdly I never once bought my stepmother a Mother’s Day card.
she was a nice lady, we never argued and I was always polite but she was just my dads wife.
i had no emotional connection to her.
you say about cooking and cleaning for them but they are not asking you too.
it is their fathers job to provide their basic needs.
you are doing it for him and not them!

I'm a stepmum and I think YABU to expect children who are not yours to celebrate you on Mother's Day. They have a mum already as other posters have said. Its also not a compulsory day, many people do not celebrate it at all or don't see it as a big deal.

As for not doing all their cooking and cleaning. Well that's a you and their dad conversation. Are they old enough to be doing some chores? Discuss between you, like adults. To not do their washing/cleaning to spite them for not seeing you as a mum seems like a childish response and potentially damaging to your relationship with them.

I do wonder if there's an underlying resentment at work though. Step parenting is hard. So are teens. Might it be worth you figuring out what's really bothering you about your current set up? Do you feel taken for granted? What can you do about it? But seriously, give your head a wobble about your mothers day expectations.

I know mumsnet generally hates stepmums but I feel for you and would absolutely address it with your DH, there is no excuse for his behaviour .

Yesterday we went out with my DSD’s for lunch and shopping and this morning they have got me a card and a present and then they’re off to celebrate with their mum and stepdad this afternoon. It takes a village, step parents are not replacing anyone but it doesn’t hurt to acknowledge the role they play in bring up children

what do you mean ‘you’re not their Dad’
if they are your stepdaughters then he is their dad , or am I missing something 🤔

As teens, surely they buy their own cards? Dad wouldn't.
And he's right, you're not their mum. If they choose to get you a card that should be off their own back, not dad telling them to.
It's your choice if you do their washing etc.

Yes. Let’s break it down.

Who goes on these holidays? Who pays what for them?

I think it’s a dangerous road to set a precedent of refusing to cook for them or do their washing when you have children living with you that your husband helps out with. He could easily reciprocate by refusing to pay towards their food and bills, refusing to give them lifts etc.

I think the thing that strikes me most is that the OP's husband has picked her above all others, and chosen her to help his raise his (hopefully) prized children. And then says this.

There are so many things wrong with his words, and the sentiment, that I don't know where to start. The children could have got a card that says step mum, but it isn't even what they think that matters IMHO. Husband is supposed to be her biggest cheerleader, and even if the children don't see it, he could have at least made it known that he appreciates all she does.

I don't want to go ragging on the OP, but it doesn't sound like it is an isolated incident.

From her children (his step children.) on father's day.

Oh I see, thanks for explaining 👍🏻I missed the post where op said she had her own children

You've only been with him a couple of years. Maybe it's time to get out and not be a skivvy and not be treated poorly by your DH. You could live a happier life without him and his children.