You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

Never ever bought my step-mum a mothers day card, because it would be such an incredible slap in the face to my own Mum.

You're picking the wrong fight OP and you're losing because of it.

Stick to the issue at hand if you need to see change in your domestic set up.

See I think this is a difficult one because it depends how THEY see you. If they don’t see you as a mum/parent then they aren’t going to get you a card, they don’t think of you that way.

Your DH is a prick and there are way bigger problems here than you expecting a card

And even less respect for you over all. Teenage girls unthinkingly selfish - must be awake. Husband unthinkingly selfish - he has zero respect for you and doesn't give a damn about what you do for him or his daughters.

Is their actual mum still alive?
If so, I absolutely would not expect a card.
If she is no longer in their lives at all, or has died, then when they were old enough to buy their own cards and gifts I’d think it would be to receive one IF they chose to give one.

He is being a prick end of. And am sorry your feeling like this, completely justified

By doing their washing and cooking and cleaning?

Go to your local garden centre/newsagents/supermarket and look at the birthday cards.

You'll see cards for sons, grans, parents, nibllings, siblings, aunties, uncles, godparents, even dogs...

I've never seen a Happy Birthday Stepmum one.

Having said that, I would never expect a Mother's Day greeting from my step-children, because I'm not their mother.

The shops sell 'Happy Mother's Day Step-mum' cards.

Well I think that would be my mantra from now on, whenever I was asked to do anything for the step-kids vaguely motherly - ‘why? I’m not their mother!’

There are two separate issues here, and I think you are in the wrong on both

One, Mother’s Day cards. Expecting teen children to see you as their mother. I don’t think it’s appropriate for any adult to try and force children to do this. It’s inappropriate, insensitive and unfair on the children.

Two, ‘women’s work’. Why are doing all the household chores??? Why aren’t they split 50-50 with your husband for all children?

Not the ones I go to.
I'm seeing them available on line these days, but in the shops - never.

I don’t think forcing bereaved children to send a Mother’s Day card to someone else is a good approach either.

okay is they chose to themselves - but Mother’s Day is really tough for children who have lost their mother.

I buy my stepmum a card that acknowledges her role in my life and the wonderful care she gives my dad. It’s not a Mother’s Day card as such but she’s wonderful and deserves to be acknowledged. I would feel weird sending a Mother’s Day card, my mum is dead and her loss feels quite acute on days like this. It’s rude that they don’t acknowledge what you do.

I don’t receive a card from my step child but then again I don’t parent them.

They are my husbands child so he cooks for them and washes their clothes and pays their way.

Maybe you need to take a step back on the things you’re doing for them.

Same here. Been in SS life for 12 years. Lives with me full time. Never had an acknowledgement

I'd be telling him ok, fair enough. if I'm not a parental figure I will not overstep my boundaries by doing any parental figure tasks.
Enjoy doing all the laundry, cooking, taxi services etc.

You absolutely cannot expect a card from them, that would bring up all kinds of complicated feelings for them. However nor should you be doing your useless husbands job of raising them. That’s the problem, Mother’s Day is an irrelevance here.

What does he do for your children that warrants appreciation while you are doing so much for his and don't?

You might treat his children as equal but they don't (husband too) see you as equal.

Inclined to agree with divorce.

There are loads of cards that say step mum etc on them. Your husband sounds like a bit of a prick tbh

If thats the boundary he's set, then respect it and never do a fucking thing for him regarding his children ever ever again. The absolute shit.

No thats bollocks. Your DHs attitude is disgusting.

I always managed to buy in store a "Like a mum" mothers day card and Christmas card for the last decade. She died on mothers day last year.

I think you’re wrong to expect a Mother’s Day card from them. They already have a mother and trying to position yourself as on a par with her won’t go well.

Being treated with respect is something you absolutely deserve, but I would only expect a card from your actual children.

My DS has never gotren anything for his step mother for Mothers Day, and has always spent it with me. I find the concept of giving a Mother's Day card to a step mum weird, unless the kids lived with her fulltime.

You have your own kids, it's up to them to celebrate you today, and if they're very small, I'd expect your husband or their Dad to sort out a card and gifts from them to you.

Maybe this has made you feel unappreciated, bht I think it's about how you're treated on the other 364 days of the year, rather than Mother's Day.

Some PPs are telling you yo stop cooking etc for them while they're over, I don't think this is in anyway workable in a blended family.