You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

I always got my step parents card on mothers/father’s day. Even from a young age I recognised that they were playing a parental role in my life. Harder in the olden days to get ‘step’ cards but we always managed.

What did your own children get you op?

Sorry to hear you felt that way.

and do you know your SC did for their mother op? How old are they? Are we talking early or late teens?

Some T-shirts and chocolates and things all organised by my mum. And cards. We went out with my mum this morning and that was lovely

Totally feel for you OP. I am a step mum, a mum and have a step mum too. Whilst I wouldn’t expect a ‘Mother’s Day’ card itself, a ‘thank you’ card from your husband at least to recognise your input. That’s what I do for my step mum.

They are 14 and 16. They were with my DH when he went to get the other cards this week. But I just don’t think it occurred to any of them to get one for me. It is what it is.

They don't care whether you do their laundry or their dad does it - if he outsources their care to you, he should appreciate that, not them

To be honest, they sound pretty unhappy all round given that they don't talk to you. Maybe it's time to acknowledge that your familes haven't blended well and at least some of the children involved are really unhappy rather than wanting a card and a thanks for a situation they would rather not be in.

I know that. I’d hate to say that out loud , that’s just not who I am.

They don’t really talk to anyone

He’s always asking you to make an effort, he lets you pay for 3 extra adult places on your holidays?! and then scoffs that you’ve not been round long enough to be appreciated? Your mum helps your kids do Mother’s Day (why isn’t he doing this?) Yet you are saying “oh well, he’s actually brilliant and it is what it is”.

This guy is taking you for a right mug. He must be laughing all the way to the airport.

It doesn't mean they don't like you, they just don't see you as a mother/mother figure that's all.

They've only ever known one father and given how lazy he is and how little he does for them, they probably don't even realise you're doing their father's job for him.

I know it's easy to say, and that it could make the atmosphere in the house unpleasant/stifling. I didn't mean you should live forever more like this - just long enough to make a point ?

They sound really unhappy. Is their father not concerned about them?

Of course they talk to people. They just appear to clam up when they are being forced into this blended family situation where they are “treated all the same so must appreciate it”.

He knows their quietness isn’t the norm for them. That’s why he tells you to try harder, take an interest, talk to them more. Because he sees this as a you problem.

I’m actually really bitching about the response I got in the conversation, that’s what really pissed me off. But ok!

But did they do anything for their own mother?

how often do they stay with you?

What happened last year?

Because you're not their mum. You seem to keep missing this point.

My dad was married to my former stepmum for 10 years before they divorced. It didn't occur to me to buy her a Mother's Day card. I bought my mum a Mother's Day card, her children bought her a Mother's Day card.

My stepmum's children never bought my dad a Father's Day card either FWIW.

It just seems so…. Negative

you have had a lovely day, treated your mum and been treated by your two lovely teens

why stew on this? About two girls who didn’t even know you 5 years ago

They aren’t forced into anything , they are old enough to make their choices. They choose when they come and don’t come. They come regularly.

I’ve not heard from my DSD of almost 20 years today - I didn’t expect to - I’m not mum . I’ll fight her corner and look after her if needed and we get along fine - but I’m not mum . It’s still quite early days for your SCs and I would concentrate on making a solid lasting relationship rather than worrying about the card

I posted this morning when it had just happened - I think it’s rude with the OP doesn’t respond so I’ve just been catching up