You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

I wouldn’t be doing their washing or cooking or paying for anything if I’m not their mum. Their dad should be doing all that if they live with you both.

That's actually quite shit, especially from your husband. Mainly from your husband in fact.

The problems here are your husband and your inability to set boundaries.

I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays

Divorce him.

Yeah it’s this bit that’s pissed me off!! Like he didn’t even think that I matter today!

we got him a step dad card last year saying thank you for all his does , won’t bother this year!

do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays

Don't do any of this, it's not your place. Never take on the labour of raising some man's kids for him.

lol that didn’t take long!

That's so cruel of your dh. I really hope you actually listen to what he is saying, and behave accordingly going forward. Why on earth are you doing so much for these teens? Just stop it all. and definitely don't be paying for their holidays fgs

I do it because I try and treat all the kids the same. My bad.

I think buying a mothers day card for you would have been v difficult. You are not their mum. You are their dad's wife. You are not obliged to do everything for everyone. They shouldn't feel obliged to buy you a card because you do practical things for them. If you and their father split tomorrow you would in all likelihood have little to do with them.

It's appalling.

My child's stepmum does more than I do. She deserves appreciation. If your husband is speaking this way, there are significant problems in this relationship.

What else is this guy doing? Not doing?

I would never expect a mother's day card from my step kids. We have a great relationship but I've never tried to be a mother to them because they already have a perfectly good one. I'm more like an auntie type figure.

Op, you can't force them to feel something that they don't but you can control your own actions. Stop doing their washing and paying for stuff they don't want to. Use some of the time they are with you to catch with friends.

And remember, when he asks where his card and/or gift is from them... "you're not their dad."

I agree with other posters. Immediately stop doing their washing and planning meals. When your h asks why you respond with ‘Well they are not my children are they?’

I think families come in all shapes and sizes and today comes as a day to celebrate all the people that do ‘mum stuff’ like him buying the extra card for the person that’s ’like A mum’ to him.

Does your husband do all that for your kids and strive to parent them all?

On the face of it he seems like yet another loser of a man who's got a woman to offload his share of drudgery onto.

It’s your life. Do what you like with it.
But your husband’s response shows zero respect for what you do for his children.

This is a really good point. I think a blank card or a thankyou card would be perfect. It has got to be acknowledged. The husband's reply is problematic for me.

You do those things as a favour to your husband because it’s either his responsibility to do it himself or to teach them to do it.

In the kindest possible way, being a step parent is hard. You have to be selfless to do it well, and you have to recognise that while you owe the children, they don’t owe you.

He really does. He’s great with supporting my kids.

I have a great relationship with my step mum I would never buy her a card on mother's day and she wouldn't expect one ever and no way would I ever expect one if I was a step mother myself

I wouldn’t have expected a card but I also wouldn’t be doing all the washing, cooking and paying for holidays for them either.

Why is your DH not stepping up and doing anything for his own DC?

I don't think the card itself is the issue here. I think the real issue is that the op feels under appreciated and used.

That's shitty. I've always bought for my step parents

Another stepmum who wouldn’t expect a card or any acknowledgment on Mother’s Day because I’m not their mother but as PP has said - this is about far deeper issues than a card. Your DH sounds wildly unappreciative and you sound like you’re doing way too much. Leave DSD stuff to their dad