You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

I’ve had several stepdads. It would never have occurred to me to buy them a Father’s Day card. Ultimately, you’re their stepmother. Not their mother. What are the family dynamics? Full custody? 50/50? EOW? You’re more likely to have a DH problem than a stepchild problem.

Because we are supposed to
Be a family so leaving them behind isn’t actually acceptable. Because step parents can’t win.

this year leaving them behind. That’s caused actual outrage too.

can’t win. Can never win.

But you’re annoyed that he said he sends his step mum a card because she has been in his life for a long time. That is his choice based on his own feelings and his own relationship with his step mother. The real issue here is that you are doing things for his children that he should be doing as their parent, or he should be getting them to do more themselves, or that he should be letting you know that you are appreciated.

That's all he did for you all day on Mother's Day, clear away dinner?

This is your problem OP.

Agreed.

Win what? You seem to be after some validation from these children. You won't get it.

I’ve been with my DH for 7yrs, I’ve never received or expected a Mother’s Day card/recognition. I’m not their mother. I don’t even get a happy birthday.

Disengage from washing their clothes etc. They’re teens, they can do their own or at least help anyway.

Your DH is taking the piss though. He can’t expect you to act like their mother and do all the mothering, without appreciation or acknowledgement. Then get shitty with you for commenting on that fact.

People hate it when you treat them like your own. People hate it when you don’t treat them equally.

step mums can never win. ( especially on MN) I have to treat them equally because ‘poor kids’ but it’s ok for them to not give a shit about me.

This is exactly my problem.

If your husband pulled his weight more, I bet you wouldn’t care about your step children not getting you a card on Mother’s Day.

Tell your husband that you expect him to do his fair share, or you’re going to spend your life feeling resentful. If he’s a good man, he’ll listen and step up, if he’s not and doesn’t, get rid.

I’ve always sent my stepmum a card and flowers on Mother’s Day. She’s been in my life for many years and I’d never leave her out. You DH is mean for not being cross with his DDs on your behalf.

Then put your foot down and sort it.

Stop doing their stuff. When he asks say ' I'm not their mum'
I do all dsc stuff here but I get appreciated for it. And I choose to do it. Equally dh wouldn't have an issue if I didn't.

It's not fair of you to resent the cooking/washing/paying for holidays if you're the one choosing to do it.

If no one appreciates, and it's making you feel like shit, just stop. If there's nothing to be gained from this life, then leave. Your own actions are in your power, but it's not in your power to change their attitude.

No he’s not. He would be ‘mean’ to force his children to send a card. As long as they are kind and respectful, which their dad should enforce, then things like sending cards on Mother’s Day, should be their choice.

Eh? Of course I agree with other type of family. But I don't think that other family members should expect mother day cards when they're not mothers. For example, I agree with the concept of aunties. I don't think they should get cards on mother's day.

You need to grow up, massively.

You are the adult. They are children!

Yes, you have to treat children that you have taken responsibility for (by marrying someone with children) fairly. Do you WANT to treat these children cruelly? Do you WANT to cook for you and your kids and tell them to starve?

All you are doing is feeding them and doing washing (for 6 days a month), which you would be doing anyway for your children, and you took them on holiday. You only did that because you wanted your husband to come with you. It wasn't for their benefit.

Lols. Ok. Thanks for your input.

From what I have read you aren’t treating them like your own, but you are ensuring they are well cared for during the time they are with their dad? I don’t think anyone has had an issue with that.

You seem to place a huge emotional weight this Mother’s Day card. Seem very angry with these girls (who you seem to have no emotional connection to or affection for) for not sending you a card to mark Mother’s Day.

Why? Why do you need this validation on this particular day?

I hope posts like this along with what your dh said open your eyes that it's not worth doing their washing and paying for holidays. Let their father and mother do that for them. Threat them with respect but you don't have to treat all kids same because like everyone say you are not their mum wheras you are mum to your children. Clearly society and your family do not value a step mum.

Why it's ops responsibility to ensure they are well cared for when they are with her husband?

How rude of this poster. Marrying your dh does not mean you have to do their washing. Their father can do that. Not doing their washing does not mean treating them cruelly.

Who said it is? She’s choosing to to do it.

It does if that's how they as a couple split household chores.

Would OP be happy if he decided he was only going to tidy up after his children? Or only mow half the lawn? What a brilliant marriage that would be.

There are cards with like a mum to me on which wouldve been great . My DSS gets me one of those and its usually my favourite card . Or a bunch of daffs for £1, just something.