You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

So he expects a Father’s Day card?

I don't think posters have missed anything, I know I didn't. You said in your OP:

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters.

Two things can be true at the same time; your husband should acknowledge your efforts on Mother's Day and your stepdaughter's can choose to give you a Mother's Day card because you're not their mum. Because neither of these things happened you're conflating them and misdirecting your anger.

Edit: Can you elaborate on why you think they are ungrateful? Your DH should be addressing this.

He expects me to treat them like my own kids. Only to throw back ‘you’re not their mum’ when it suits him.

And he treats your children, with whom he lives with more than his own children, very well and loving?

He treats them all similar. The difference is I acknowledge this on Father’s Day and never give it the ‘you’re not their dad’ when it might be convenient to do so!

Goodness this one day is very important to you. So he’s also unappreciative during the other days of the year?

So he has never got you anything on Mother’s Day. Do you get cross every year?

I imagine the family environment has been thick with tension since yesterday!

It really hasn’t. I’ve aired my annoyance here instead! He apologised last night.

and no, I’ve never expected anything in previous years but I guess I thought we were more there now.

anyway, enough non step parents have swung by to tell me I’m completely unreasonable so I won’t have expectations in the future.

I am going to do less of their house stuff though. Not my kid. Not my problem and all that.

It's 2025, there are cards for stepmoms someone who's just like a mum to them all kinds of different options, given their are teenagers it shouldn't be beyond their wet to make one that's suitable.

Given by teenagers, I don't understand why he's doing the card buying anyway,

Wow! You must be a Hollywood actress!

Your step daughters weren’t with you this past weekend?

Not my kid. Not my problem and all that.

well expect the same from your husband towards your children

difference is… he lives with your children much more than you do with his children

Well, isn't that more important than a card on a prescribed day of the year??

I started off thinking YANBU but now I’m not so sure.

I’m a stepparent (and a parent to a newborn), we had SC yesterday and DH made a big show of getting them to write cards and do breakfast in bed. It’s sweet but as they’re getting older it does feel a bit forced.

I’d rather they were with their mum to be honest and I think they’d much rather be with her too (their mum opted not to have them) and if that were the case, I wouldn’t expect a card next time I saw them.

Totally reasonable to reduce the amount of mum work you do for them though! Your DH should be doing all that (easier said than done, I know…).

Never said it wasn’t. You're just twisting things!

no wasn’t our weekend.

well then why do we celebrate the day at all if you think it is just a card on a prescribed day if the year?

What was it I read the other day? Men with kids look for a fanny/nanny! That was it!

lol this made me laugh. So true 🤣

I think, as an adult, its very easy to forget what it is like being a teenager. I'd say it wouldn't cross their minds unless told to/ reminded by an adult.

In my experience; kids/teens are selfish (not intentionally (mostly)), but as a young teen, it wouldn't have crossed my mind who did my washing or to say thanks .. it was something that got done in the house, same with meals. :-/

I agree. This is on my DH. Not them.

To all those saying ‘you can’t get cards for stepmothers on mother’s day’ that’s bollocks. You only have to google it it find them.

I feel the same way as OP although I didn't necessarily expect a card from my stepchildren I'm still fairly upset as I do everything for them when they're in our care (currently 50/50 but hoping for fulltime after court). I do all cooking, cleaning, washing of clothes, help with homework and sometimes putting the boys to bed if my partner doesn't, I'm the one that wakes up with them during the night as they ask for me rather than their dad. I plan all our days out and financially support pretty much every aspect of their lives and I'm happy to do this as it's exactly what I'd do for my own children and I wouldn't ever treat them any differently or single them out from my own. They live in my home which I of course pay for, I do school runs when my partner isn't able to etc. He does do a lot obviously but I pick up a lot of perhaps his responsibilities and I'm probably disappointed that I didn't get a card but I do get told by my partner that he appreciates everything I do so in a way I feel a bit silly really for still wanting a card. I feel my situation may be slightly different as their mother isn't always as involved when they're supposed to be in her care they get left with her parents or siblings and don't really spend much time with their mom, she doesn't take them to school etc.

Same here. I have a step mum who I adore but have never bought her a Mothers Day card in over 20 years of her being in my life. Likewise I wouldn't expect one from DSD even though we get on brilliantly.

Having said that, I wouldn't even think to mention it to DH but he certainly wouldn't respond the way your DH has responded if I did mention it!!!

That's a great option for those who feel it reflects their relationship with their steparents, but stepchildren don't always see their parents new spouses as 'like a mum' or 'like a dad' and they shouldn't be forced to pretend they do.

@Nina1013 and @Bellyblueboy have worded it very well (amongst others).

I'm a step-mum and love my DSD to bits, we get on really well and she always thanks me for the things I do. That's more than enough for me. I don't want or need her to get me a card on Mothers Day - I'm not her mum!!!

I find all this getting cards for grandmas, step-mums, "you're like a mum to me" a bit ridiculous and just an excuse to make money and make people feel bad.

Reading the OPs further posts sounds like they don't have a good relationship at all so I think a Mothers Day card is the least of the concerns but also, would seem even more fake and forced!