You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

Your husband doesn't sound like a kind man. From what you describe of his behavior it would seem he married you so he can treat you like a household appliance.

I would never get my step mum a card because it would be massively disrespectful to my mum. I’d be pissed off it my dad did it on my behalf too. But then I wouldn’t be doing their washing and cooking their food either. Sounds like your husband is lazy and has been benefiting from the blurred lines here.

@MellowPinkDeer

Ive only mainly just read your responses as can’t be arsed read some of the shit that’s been posted.

Simple question is, As you bought him a card for Father’s Day do you think his response was to the realisation of his own shitness.

If even you’re a mum to your own kids he should have at least recognised that !

Exactly. I buy cards for both my mum and step mum. My step mum has done lots of those jobs for me over the years, and is a grandmother to my children.

Thank you. Maybe. I dunno, I honestly just don’t think it even came into his head.

I can understand the not getting a card, but I think he could have got you a bunch of flowers or a pack of chocolates as a token thank you. Even if not from them, just from him.

it’s my experience that men don’t think and they view everything as black or white. “It’s Mother’s Day, she’s not my mother” etc etc

I think mother's day is an appreciation of what mum's do for their children a large percentage of which are the practical tasks that you are doing for step children.

No you are not their mum but you should be acknowledged and appreciated by your DH and his children.

As someone else a £6 bunch of tulips from your DH would have been an acknowledgement.

He's shown exactly what he thinks of you and the boundaries he wants. Fine. stop doing parenting tasks for them and he will have to step up.

What a prick

So how would you deal with meals in a family where people usually eat together? How would you ensure the step children never take any food that you've prepared, never eat anything you've prepared for you and your children?

It’s not. That’s what she has told us she is doing. That is what she wants the thanks for. She doesn’t have to do it at all - not her responsibility.

I think that’s the point right there he’d not thought and rather than actually apologise or make it up to you he’d doubled down with a shitty reply.

I am not one for tit for tat but I would follow though on reciprocating for Father’s Day and if he’s not bothered because “they’re not his kids” then fine but I have a feeling he’ll think you’re being petty which is crap and I hope that it’s the former.

Its not much effort for one Sunday a year for all the ones who think you’re overreacting.

My partner's son gets me a card (it doesn't say mother's day ) on Mother's Day - we're not married - he thinks of me as his step mum and I love him .He has a mum he buys a mother's day card and present for. But he has always acknowledged me on mother's day for the 'motherly' things I do for him. I am not his mother - he knows that - I know that.

Why do these girls need to think of OP as their mother to give her a card? There are mothers day cards that simply say 'happy mothers day' on them which could have been bought as a gesture just to say 'thank you for everything you do' they don't have to put 'mum' on the card or force themselves to call her stepmum it's about acknowledging someone who cares for you in their own way who is married to your dad. It's not difficult!

The OP seemed to say that she was doing the bulk of the parenting of the step children therefore she deserved recognition on Mothers Day. This is different from cooking occasionally for everyone. If I had step children I would expect their father to do the majority of their care @Gwenhwyfar

I would too, but I'm not in a family where one person usually does the meals. I'm genuinely wondering how it would work for half the family to be eating in front of the other half. Also, OP probably likes to eat with her DH so what happens then? She cooks for her, her DC and her DH, but the step-children wait and hang around watching them eat before the DH cooks for them?

The cooking issue is totally different to the laundry one.

I agree with this. My SS18 lives with us full-time and sees his mum for a few hours once or twice a week. I don't do his laundry, he does his own. I cook him dinner if I'm cooking for DH and I but SS does the dishes afterwards.

I do however take him on driving lessons and helped him find a job. I've taught him to cook. I pick up treats I know he'll like while I'm out. He was out last night with friends and my first thought this morning was "I hope he got home ok". I covered him with a blanket and left him water and painkillers for his hangover. I look after him when he's sick. I give him life advice, I've helped him with his problems, I chat to him about his work, his hobbies and life in general.

Doing laundry and cooking meals doesn't make you a parent. It's very kind of you to do those things but you're doing them for you DH not the kids. So while I don't think you can expect anything from your stepkids but your DH should be appreciative of the help you give him.

@MellowPinkDeer
please ignore the ignorant posters who are clearly not stepparents who come here just to deflect their angry feelings from their own lives on to your situation.

Unless you’ve raised another persons child you will never know how hard it is.

Your DH’s comment was uncalled for and rude.

But you are being extremely silly to expect a Mothers Day card from teenagers or for your DH to send you a card on their behalf. You are not their mum. You are their Dad’s wife. And please ignore posters advising you to start being shitty and to tantrum because you didn’t get a bloody card.

Stupid hallmark days winding people up and putting pressure on families.

This is terrible.
I always get a gift from my stepson, it's the way they appreciate what you do for this without any obligation. Your husband needs to give himself a shake!

Disagree with this entirely.

I appreciate my stepparents and get them both a gift. No, they're not my biological parent .. that's what makes everything they do for me even more special. Unless I had a poor relationship with them, I would always want them to feel important on this day.

My stepson also gets me something and it makes my day.

Op, sometimes you need to demand respect. Personally I’d be booking a weekend away with just me dc for the very next weekend his kids are here. And when he says what about us you say you were quite clear I’m not their mum, I’ve been doing far too much mum work for the children of a man who can’t do a card for Mother’s Day (but can for someone else who’s not a mum). We are going to have a lovely weekend.

It would have been parenting, not abuse or slavery. He should be teaching them to be decent human beings. Parents ‘force’ their children to observe basic manners just about every single day, starting with
say please.
nooooo I want a cracker
say please and you can have a cracker
i don’t want toooo!
ok, im afraid no cracker then.

He has apologised for not thinking and for the way he responded. I just wanted a bit more consideration more generally I think!

I hope you had a lovely day and I’m glad you’re recognised

I’m just interested to know.. why does a step parent owe the step children? Other than being supportive and pleasant?

I genuinely can’t believe you’re saying you wont get him a card this year. You should be fucking divorcing him. Like today. “She’s been around longer”?????????!!!!!!?????????????!!!!!!!
absolutely no. Like no.

I don’t think they owe you a Mother’s Day card. I think that’s weird really because they have a mother so why would they give you, not their mother, a Mother’s Day card? But him?? That comment. Nah.

Literally a kidney the way people judge on MN!