You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

I have stepchildren who I have known since they were small.

Never received anything on Mother’s Day and never expected it.

However my stepson as an adult bought me a card and some flowers a couple of years ago and I was blown away. He has done ever since. It means more now really.

This is so lovely!

A bit of understanding and compassion knowing that for many it’s really hard that their mum and dad live in separate homes with new families, and they have to navigate that at an age which is already tricky?

As PP have already said they often realise how much you have done for them when they’re a bit older and wiser… just like teens aren’t usually appreciative of what their mum and dad do for them until they’re older!

So given that they dont make an effort why did you ask about a card?

Just because you're married to their dad, doesn't make you a mum or like a mum to them.

I think it was way too presumptuous of you to ask and you set yourself up for disappointment.

Cooking and maybe van be performed by a maid or housekeeper. She does those things and is married to their dad.. that's the difference.

He could have bought a card saying to "wife on mother's day"
My husband got me one of those.

OP I think you're conflating your DH not making any effort whatsoever to recognise you on Mother's Day, with your SDs not feeling it appropriate or necessary to give you a Mother's day card.

The first is a legitimate issue, the second isn't, because you are not their mum and presumably they did get their actual mum a card. Providing food and washing clothes a few days a month does not make you a maternal figure in their eyes, nor should it. Are they ungrateful the rest of the year? Or do they generally say please and thank you?

Your DH should have got you flowers (from him) or at the very least let you put your feet up yesterday and taken care of breakfast, dinner, etc.

Also OP, you seem in some of your posts to be preoccupied about what people on MN think/expect of stepmums and this could be driving some of your resentment towards to SDs.

I might be off the mark here, but it might be a good idea to switch off from MN for a while and focus on what is happening in real life instead.

I’d feel uncomfortable and a bit well, off, if any child I’d only known for a few years who lived with their mother for the majority of the time, gave me a Mother’s Day card

and yes Op..,. We know well and truly know that you do these girls laundry a few times a month and have contributed towards a couple of holidays

Because you’d be bloody outraged if I didn’t act as their house keeper. Poor kids 🤣

Yes they are pretty ungrateful for the most part.

my DH apologised for his response and for not getting me flowers when he brought so many for other people! , most posters have missed the part where I said it was his response that really annoyed me!

Housekeeper? Throwing in a washing load EOW 😂

This is a 16 year old girl
If she wanted to get you anything, she would have

so if her dad got you something from them, you’d known it was unlikely because they’d wanted to

Can your husband not afford to take his children on holiday?

No.

From him. He acknowledges that it should have been from him to acknowledge me and the role I play in our wider family.

And he doesn’t ever convey thanks or appreciation generally?

What attracted you to a man that was unable to afford even the most basic of holidays with his children

so you pay for him and his children and before you - these girls never went on holiday with him?

We have a large mortgage and he pays out large amounts of CMS. I have more disposable income so I’ve always paid for everyone to go. I assume before our large mortgage he had more money for holidays!

Not really. Because I’m always just doing all the things for my kids I guess he doesn’t really notice. He realises he needs to do more though, I’m starting a new job soon and so the division of household stuff needs to become much more fair.

Ok so there’s a reason
and your children live with you 50/50 as opposed to EOW and one night during the week

I wasn’t looking for a reason!! 🤣

No

just wanted to whinge about you paying for a couple of holidays in the past

OP you’re perfectly entitled to be annoyed at that response. Did he help your DC arrange anything?

No my mum did but he did check in with her that was happening so like would of if it wasn’t already sorted.

what you don’t seem to get is the expectations are not equitable. But whatever. You do you!