To refuse to spend my day off with DS1 taxiing around SC?

[TheTealLemur]

DH has children from his first marriage and we have them every other weekend and half the holidays. They live 2-2.5 hours away so their parents have always taken it in turns to do the Friday drive (nobody wants to drive on Fridays because they work and the traffic is worse, but both have flexible hours, just need to plan around it) and Sunday drive. They hate each other but I am on polite terms with her.

I’ve just returned to work after a year of maternity leave and have requested to reduce to four days a week so I can spend a day with our son. This has been agreed as every Friday because of my team’s pre-existing work patterns. DH’s ex is now refusing to drive any Fridays because I’m “another parent who is now available.” DH has said he disagrees with her but also said that it’ll be useful if he gets “stuck at work.”

I know I’m not being unreasonable to tell the both of them to get lost, but sometimes the entitlement makes me doubt my own sanity…

Or indeed the OP.

DH is not subsidising me. Even after the pay cut I’m the higher earner. I pay for significantly more of BS and SC’s costs. Our household is taking a hit from my reduction of hours but it’s important to me to have that time with my baby, especially as half of our weekends and all our holidays are focused on SC.

No way on this earth would I do that. Why would you give up a day's work to ferry their kids around? Why should your son spend 6 hours in a car! He'd be better off in nursery.

Just say no and emulate her when it comes to people-pleasing - she just pleases herself, doesn't she?

Nope nope nope nope NOPE

Tell your DH you assume he’s had a bang to the head to even suggest it and he can tell the ex to get TTFSOF

And I say that as a stepmum who has done more pick up and drops in my last year as a stepmum than DSCs mum has done in my 7 years as a stepmum!

Why would OP take a day off work to be a driver for the ex wife?

I’d stay out of it. Suggestions would mean volunteering to these CFs.

Don’t do it, not even once. The minute you give in, it will be game over.

They are both sick of the drive - and see this as the perfect opportunity to pass the buck to you.

I would be furious with my dh for even suggesting this. He sounds so selfish.

you definitely shouldn’t agree to do it unless on a very rare occasion one off emergency

Wtf are you on about?

You are not unreasonable to not do the long drive for drop off but you are unreasonable to think mum's shouldn't drive after 8.5 months. How are they supposed to get around 🤷‍♀️

YANBU at all and should definitely refuse. Poor kids though. How old are they? Could they get a train even some of the way?

Honestly, you might be better off without him reading this on top of his expectation that you'll become an unsubsidized taxi driver for his child so he can continue working, making money and not sharing fairly.

If you agree to do this once, then you'll suddenly find your DH is "stuck at work" every week.
Stand your ground. You are not a taxi service so that your DSS's parents can relinquish their parental responsibilities.

No.
No.
No.
N. O.
DH's ex tried similar with me, trying to use me as free childcare for DSC when I was on mat leave with our DS. She was told to shove it! That time is for your DS and you.
You need to have a word with your DH. CFery at its finest!

Better up to split up than to get involved with this.
Focus on your child only.
Do not be used by the two of them.
Better to split up IMO.

@babasaclover I couldn't drive past 7.5 months. I was huge, PGP made it a mission to get in and out of the car and I had extremely low blood pressure which made me black out for a few seconds regularly. A close friend had the same experience. So it really isn't that unusual.

Eh?! Why do they need to split up, the DH isn’t telling Op she has to drop his child to his ex! He is supportive.

What kind of 'emergency' would you agree to do it for? I can't think of anything that would necessitate you having to fetch the SC. If their father has to work late on a Friday he can fetch them on Saturday morning.

The solution should be for the SC's parents to behave like responsible adults and meet half way but if they can't get their act together then it's 100% their problem and not yours.

I hear what you say about being a 'people pleaser' but you can put your son at the top of that list of people now, which means he needs a happy, stress-free Mum on the one weekday he has with her. Stand your ground! 💐

You’d have to be clear on what an emergency meant as i could see something urgent popping up on a weekly basis!

I’d just say the answer is no. Staying behind at the end of the work day isn’t an emergency. As they say, you’re problem does not become mine to solve.

No. No. No.

They might hate reach other but they’re clearly united in the act of trying to take the piss right out of you.

Why they work really well in our family meet have a drink and update stretch the legs and off.

Why is it wild ?

@notatinydancer see OP's previous response to this question.

I would absolutely NOT get involved other than to say to husband. 'No. This is not my remit and you'll need to arrange / sort this out with ex yourself.'

If DH offers you something of commensurate value to compensate on any occasion you were needed then that's different. But how can you realistically do that with a young toddler. Also do you want to even if you were somehow paid. So it all adds up to a giant no.

I don't understand why parents end up living so far apart like this, it's cruel.

I'm a ' bio mum' btw.