To refuse to spend my day off with DS1 taxiing around SC?

[TheTealLemur]

DH has children from his first marriage and we have them every other weekend and half the holidays. They live 2-2.5 hours away so their parents have always taken it in turns to do the Friday drive (nobody wants to drive on Fridays because they work and the traffic is worse, but both have flexible hours, just need to plan around it) and Sunday drive. They hate each other but I am on polite terms with her.

I’ve just returned to work after a year of maternity leave and have requested to reduce to four days a week so I can spend a day with our son. This has been agreed as every Friday because of my team’s pre-existing work patterns. DH’s ex is now refusing to drive any Fridays because I’m “another parent who is now available.” DH has said he disagrees with her but also said that it’ll be useful if he gets “stuck at work.”

I know I’m not being unreasonable to tell the both of them to get lost, but sometimes the entitlement makes me doubt my own sanity…

How does she even know your day off? Tell her nothing.

Tell them both to fuck off. That day is for quality time with your son. The entitlement of some people absolutely fucking amazes me.

Don't get sucked into this! What a waste of your day off with your son.

Surely the most sensible arrangement here is for both parents to drive and meet half way?
It means them both driving each fortnight, but for a shorter time.
A six hour round trip is crazy for anyone.

How old are the kids - old enough to be put on a train and met at the other end?

So the mother moved away & had a toddler.

Where is the toddlers dad? By her own thinking that toddler has another parent that can therefore drive to collect the Step children.

I absolutely would not - ever - go and get the step children. Fuck that. You're giving up income to spend time with your child and then 2 want you to spend it driving up and down the country - I think not!
Put your phone on do not disturb and ignore them all on a Friday afternoon. They'll soon sort it out between themselves; after all - children have 2 parents to sort it out for them

You're not available.

You'll be at home doing the parenting for your and your DH's DC.

Your DH and his Ex are still responsible between themselves for the DC they had together, irrespective of whether you're off on maternity leave or not it's not up to you to do the fetching and carring for them....less so when you haven't even been consulted beforehand.

If neither of them like the 2-2.5 hour Friday journey suggest they meet at an arranged place half way between where they both live.

Honestly I'd try to change it to Mondays instead. I would never do the 6 hour drive. It's the child's parents responsibility.

Why don't they meet halfway ?

I would promptly disabuse them both of this ridiculous notion on the basis of the good points made by other posters. Why on earth should you take a 20% paycut to be a taxi service?

I would also point out that no-one consulted you before the ex relocated 2.5 hours away. Your husband had the opportunity to refuse and/or set expectations on who did the travelling and she has made her bed for reasons that presumably benefit her the rest of the week.

The alternative is public transport if they are anywhere near old enough, or they change the arrangements so the kids come in the school holidays only and your DH takes time off to facilitate spending time with them.

Meet halfway, has nobody have any common sense?

The brass neck on her saying it’s cruel to put babies into childcare and then trying to take away the one day off you have to spend with your DS!!

The answer to both of them has to be no, even DH. unless his workplace is burning down he needs to make sure he gets out on time. I agree with PPs that you should book in a regular class with DS so you’re unavailable when the asks start to come in.

Yeah. On occasion maybe. But no not each time.

I actually think it's best for the kids that they share the driving between them. Shows they're both working towards making it work. The way they're acting now the poor kid will feel like a massive inconvenience.

Halfway handovers are shit for the child. Alternate the Friday journey so if it's EOW it will only be 1 Friday in 4 each. If they can't do that for their kid then they should be ashamed of themselves

Why is that "wild" to you? Don't judge another woman for her choices whilst pregnant, unless she's doing something like smoking crack at the wheel whilst 8.5 months pregnant.

Absolutely not. Tell them both to fuck off.

Is there no way to change your day off?

When my dc had to travel once in secondary school they used public transport...

Being able to drive for 5 hours when 8.5m pregnant is wild imo. My hips would've given up and never worked again

I assumed she meant wild as in she admires that she was able to do that as she can't imagine herself being able to

Also, the word "wild" doesn't necessarily indicate judgement does it? I might say "wow, that person can do 14 cartwheels in a row that's wild"

That's how I was taking it

They should do it agreeing to meet half way so neither is in the car for 5 hours.

I’d text the mum and say:
Hi x
I am really flattered that you consider me another parent. However, as a mother myself I know how important the parenting role is and don’t wish to take that away from you and DH. It is for this reason, I will have to decline the offer to pick DSC up on a Friday.

I always find it quite interesting^^ how us Step-Parents become "Parents" when it's advantageous to one or both actual parents...

Yet are expected to be kept firmly in the "non-parent/you have no right to engage" box in every single other respect - even when the implications of either scenario are deeply (and usually negatively) impactful on us and our children.....

Answers on a postcard please 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely.

A common sense suggestion that I think the OP should push back with.

@TheTealLemur who was the bright spark who told the ex that you were no longer working on fridays???