To refuse to spend my day off with DS1 taxiing around SC?

[TheTealLemur]

DH has children from his first marriage and we have them every other weekend and half the holidays. They live 2-2.5 hours away so their parents have always taken it in turns to do the Friday drive (nobody wants to drive on Fridays because they work and the traffic is worse, but both have flexible hours, just need to plan around it) and Sunday drive. They hate each other but I am on polite terms with her.

I’ve just returned to work after a year of maternity leave and have requested to reduce to four days a week so I can spend a day with our son. This has been agreed as every Friday because of my team’s pre-existing work patterns. DH’s ex is now refusing to drive any Fridays because I’m “another parent who is now available.” DH has said he disagrees with her but also said that it’ll be useful if he gets “stuck at work.”

I know I’m not being unreasonable to tell the both of them to get lost, but sometimes the entitlement makes me doubt my own sanity…

Outrageous!
I would make sure you sign up to baby swimming lessons or something so that everyone involved knows you are clearly out of the picture on Fridays. Make sure you have some firm plans of some sort so everyone knows they can't just lean on you when it's a bit inconvenient for them.

No, I'm not available is the right answer.

They need to come up with another solution, if neither can drive on Fridays. .

Yeah that's different as it's her kid she has to drive for. She signed up to it when she moved.

How did she even know you'd be off on Fridays?

That’s a them problem, not a you problem. They need to figure it out - agree with other posters. Make clear you have your own plans with your child and stay out of it.

This literally is nothing to do with you, you have zero responsibility for this arrangement and like fuck would I be stepping in for his mother or his father even if he is stuck at work, he will have to pick up late then won't he.

I wouldn't even entertain them thinking of asking me to do this, I'd laugh at them both and wouldn't do it even in a " pickle "

You need to never do this, be very very clear and stick to it, one offs will turn into every week, never give in.

No. No, no, no.

Just refuse.

Your day off and decrease in income is solely to benefit you and your relationship with your son. You will be spending time with your child, not ferrying about other people's children because they don't want to.

Just refuse. I would die on that hill.

But it’s her child she is taking on a drive with her. And she is doing it for the sake of her ds (so he can see his dad) because SHE moved away.

that’s a totally different situation than yours.

But they sure BOTH want to see their load eased up by adding some to yours!!

Btw, I think you really need to make it clear to your dh that there will NEVER BE a time when you’ll do the drive ‘because he got caught up with work’. Slippery slope and all that.

"I'm not their parent, hope that clears any confusion."

I think maybe your could suggest the ex partner could take on doing the drive too? Why is it that he isn’t asked but somehow you are??

I mean we all know the answer but if he can say NO so can you.

Tell your DH that you will not being doing it under any circumstances and your phone will be off that afternoon so he will have to deal with any emergencies the same as he would if you were at work.

That leaves him in doubt that you are not the back up person for the job. Otherwise you can pretty much guarantee you will soon become the regular driver.

You are not being unreasonable, I wouldn't do it at all as I wouldn't want to set a precedence.

Anyway, it'll be good talking time for DH and his children, maybe stop off for dinner.

Can he and ex meet half way to cut the driving time?

I can understand his Ex trying to push her luck but your DH seems to have jumped onboard with this idea, presumably because it would make his life easier. It's not OK that he'd like you to pick up the drive without a thought for his youngest DC

Why has your DH told her your work shifts?

Strange, I say you have a DH problem. He wants YOU to pick up the slack.

My husband would never expect me to drive 5 hours with our toddler. Its sad, your husband doesn't care.

Ridiculous way to spend a day with a toddler. Of course you say NO.

And yes, I would have a nice Friday routine planned -- play group or baby swimming etc. followed by lunch out with baby and then home for the nap etc. I wouldn't even do this ONCE let alone regularly!

I would go as far as to try and change your day off to Monday, or midweek, if possible. Your partner and his ex are piss-takers and they will push and push this.

Stuff that. Do they actually expect you to do that drive with the baby in the car too?? Completely unreasonable and unfair on you and the baby.

Also, she’s the child’s mother, she shares the responsibility with dad. My parter treats my son as his own and helps a lot with logistics, and we now have another baby on the way. However, I would not put such a commitment on him (ds bio dad also lives 2.5hrs away). It’s between me and my dc bio dad to sort out!

Good point if your DH has dropped you in it I'd drop him and he can pick both his kids up at the weekend

DH’s ex is now refusing to drive any Fridays because I’m “another parent who is now available

Children don't have three parents. Tell her to piss off.

I'd go back to working Fridays rather than get roped into doing any of this driving especially DH and his 'getting stuck', just wait and see how often he ll be 'stuck' though I bet he's never been in the 3 yrs of this arrangement up to now.

Can you not ask work to change your day off? During the week so won’t be expected to do the drive back?

She chose to move so yes of course she has to do it with her toddler if she has no one else to leave them with. You however do not have to.

A six hour round trip, you may as well be at work earning money!

I think you just say 'No, why would I drop a day's income to make my toddler's life harder?'