To refuse to spend my day off with DS1 taxiing around SC?

[TheTealLemur]

DH has children from his first marriage and we have them every other weekend and half the holidays. They live 2-2.5 hours away so their parents have always taken it in turns to do the Friday drive (nobody wants to drive on Fridays because they work and the traffic is worse, but both have flexible hours, just need to plan around it) and Sunday drive. They hate each other but I am on polite terms with her.

I’ve just returned to work after a year of maternity leave and have requested to reduce to four days a week so I can spend a day with our son. This has been agreed as every Friday because of my team’s pre-existing work patterns. DH’s ex is now refusing to drive any Fridays because I’m “another parent who is now available.” DH has said he disagrees with her but also said that it’ll be useful if he gets “stuck at work.”

I know I’m not being unreasonable to tell the both of them to get lost, but sometimes the entitlement makes me doubt my own sanity…

I would absolutely NOT get involved other than to say to husband. 'No. This is not my remit and you'll need to arrange / sort this out with ex yourself.'

This

What is 'BS'?

Assuming baby son

Seconded. Or probably 900ed by now 😀

Nonsense. If that were true, it would mean that if I had children I would never be able to visit my family. It would also mean that you would never see young children on transatlantic flights (I can assure you there are). It is not difficult to travel with young children on a long journey, you factor in more rest stops for when you hear them becoming restless. I've seen plenty of very young children at motorway service stations so it looks like people do manage. Of course, it will depend on the child but I doubt a few hours in a car is a no-no for almost everyone in the country.

Tell them in an almost absurdly polite way that much as you'd love to help, circumstances make it impossible but you hope they manage to sort out their problem.

That day is yours and your childs day it's not for them to be stuck in a car every friday.
No way dont even start it .

As a mum of child who has been entangled with an ex who just wants to complicate everything, contact and arrangements are never straightforward. The basic requirement is that children see their mum/dad regularly and that the time spent with the absent parent is enjoyable and they feel comfortable.

I know it's not your fault.

Mum & dad need to sort this out - it's their responsibility to make it work to suit their children. Did you mention court had been involved? Ultimately the children are suffering because the parents aren't being grown up - what sort of example are they setting to their children?

I think you mentioned that the children had told their mum that you have Friday's off - can you see from that how the children are playing go-between, tell-tale - creating an atmosphere in both houses? It sounds like they are relaying things back to their mum which they will do. The trick is to never discuss anything private in earshot of children, we had to learn this. Little ears miss nothing but they talk.

How old are the children?

The cheek of some people it will wipe out your day with your some.

Jesus fucking Christ. In a marriage with an income disparity, one is not "subsidising" the other.

She is looking after their joint child. She owes him jack shit for that.
As it happens OP earns more anyway, but honestly. No wonder women are where we are with this attitude.

What father in his right mind would expect his own child, a toddler, to spend 4 1/2 hours in a car! Your DH is a selfish bastard, absolutely do not agree to this! The whole purpose of you reducing to 4 days is to spend time with your DS not to spend time ferrying his children around! Surely he can see this?

I'd say I've already got plans to take my baby to swimming lessons/the farm/cafe with your friends.

Are these plans in a court order? If so I would send the ex a text/email stating

I appreciate the drive each Friday is arduous, however the arrangements need to remain in place that you and DH share the drop off and pick ups equally as per the court agreement.

My working days/hours have no consequence to your arrangements, and while I will not be ‘at work’ on Fridays, I will be otherwise engaged so therefore unavailable to do any driving of stepchildren.

I would also be setting a firm boundary with DH and stating very clearly that you will not be covering his turn either! Otherwise before you know it he’ll be working late every Friday night and you’ll be stuck doing the taxi’ing … put your foot down very firmly and say no from the offset!

I’m sure that would work well for them change your day off to a Monday if possible and spend it taking your baby to groups and parks why should he spend a day in the car not fair at all there not your kids!

Hahahaha what the fuckity fuck. That's a big fat FUCK NO from me. No explanation needed, just no. The entitlement of some people astounds me.

Don’t deal directly with her. If I were you, I’d say that I’d only do it in an emergency affecting your husband. Eg. If his boss had to speak to him urgently and it would affect his career if he didn’t attend the meeting. If the ‘emergency’ affects her then tough 🤷‍♀️

They’re the parents, you need to let them sort it out. This is just making me think back to when DH’s ex demanded my pay details so I could pay CMS, oh how I laughed after I told her to jog on😝 😂

A Mumsnet classic in this instance

"That doesn't work for me" repeat again and again as nauseum

So will she be taking your new-born for a few hours a couple of times a week?

You are a grown up so make a decision and stick with it

Why doesn't he leave work at 4 on Friday and agree with their mum an hour drive each, meeting half way. Simple and no drama. If she refuses, back to court.