DP wants my teenager to contribute for food

[Anuta77]

I have a 16 year old son who was abandonned by his father (no maintenance) et lives with me full time. He recently started working, a few hours Saturday and Sunday on minimum salary.
My DP has 2 adult children (18, 22 and 24) for whom he still pays maintenance. The 18 year old still visits us EOW.
We have a 7 year old together.

We have a common account where we contribute 50-50 and the common expenses come out from there, so my DP considers that he pays for my son because his contribution covers half of his food and electricity bills. I pay my son's other expenses from my personal account. I also pay some of our common child's expenses myself and sometimes pay for some of DP things, just because I'm the one who likes shopping. DP never shops for anything interesting for me, so I never get anything personal from him. I also invite us to restaurants occasionnally and contribute more if we go on vacation. That's sort of my contribution because my DP pays for my son. I also contributed to our common son's study account all by myself. DP says that he has no money to contribute because he pays for my teenager (doesn't matter that his 24 year old should have been financially independant by now, but he's taking his time travelling instead of finishing his diploma and still needs at least 2 years to get it and the 22 year old didn't even enter the uni for the same reasons).

I also agreed to buy an expensive electric car so that my DP could go pick up and/or visit his children in another town and he still uses it for work purposes and discounts expenses on it as a freelancer. I use it too, but only when he doesnt need it. We paid for this car 7 years 50-50.

I also can't imagine how we would calculate my son's portion of food and electricity. Not to mention my DP's daughter's, even if she comes less often, if my son would pay for his expenses, why should I pay for my SD? Just by principle. I think it would be super messy and ridiculous. And disgusting.

My DP always made somewhat more than me, but this year has been more difficult for him, however when I made less than him, I just managed.

Any advice on how to manage this situation?

Best way to manage is completely separate finances in completely separate households and apply for child maintenance. He's financially abusing you.

Getting rid of the cunt would do the job, and probably make your teenagers life a lot happier.

The utter insanity on here recently over what people are subjecting their children to for a blended family is mind blowing!

Possibly an unpopular view but when I was young if you earnt you contributed to the household. General rule was 30% digs, 30% savings and 40% spending. In reality my parents were still covering the vast majority of my expenses . If you can I’d save the money for him, possibly by not overpaying for holidays given he contributes!

Tell him he’s being mean and refuse to discuss it any further. Stop buying him stuff.

yes. he is gross and your ooor son having to live with someone like him. just say no.

He is 16 he is still a child and your as his parent are still responsible for his living costs.
The 24 and 22yr olds need to be cut off first before you even consider asing a contribution from a 16yr old.

Absolutely not. He is is being a dick. If you want to stay with someone who treats you like that then it's your choice, but don't let that decision affect your son.

There is no way in hell a 16 year old should be charged for food and bills whilst his adult stepsiblings are financially supported.

I’m giving maths answers here, but it’s not really a maths question, it’s a relationship question, all gone horribly picky and resentful. Certainly a 16 year old shouldn’t be paying - still a child. Obviously still a child till he’s 24 given the maintenance situation..

Maths wise, if you both contribute 50/50 to bills, your OH is “overpaying” by 1/8.
(there are 4 of you in the house. If you imagine who should be responsible for each part, you are wholly responsible for you, your son and half of your shared child, and your OH responsible for himself and half of your shared child. If your son was a shared child it would be exactly 50 50, but he’s all yours so you “owe” an extra 1/8 of total bills).

Feels to me that this isn’t a very large amount. It’s petty, but working out what 1/8 is might help you mentally challenge this petty disparity he thinks he’s seeing. Compare it against the car usage percentages. It’s ridiculous.

This.

Just when you think you've seen the depths of how low women can sink to have a man, something like this pops up. FFS.

Real men get out there and hustle, two jobs if necessary, to support their families. They don't dun teenagers for food money.

I'd love 10 minutes to give this utter loser of a "man" a piece of my mind.

Why don't women protect their children from these arseholes???

If his children don't need to contribute then surely your son doesn't need to contribute. Or does he mean you have to pay more because of your son? Ridiculous! I would bin him!

I have one DD 100% & 2 x Step DS 50%. I used to be the main earner. Now I don't work due to disability so DH is the main earner. We share everything

Tell him not to be ridiculous, he will start coming tributing when his much older children do so. Stop shopping for him!

Get rid of him , disgusting specimen .

Your ds is part of your household. He is a child. The adults in the household have a responsibility to provide for the household.

It's really gross that he sees your ds as outside the family unit and Ike some sort of parasite tbh.

Your son is 16 - I take the view that as long as they are eligible for child benefit they shouldn’t be paying towards their upkeep.

So have you put child benefit into the equations? Who does the childcare for your joint child? How is it going to work if your son goes to university?

Well he sounds like a pathetic bully so I would tell him to fuck right off.

@Talipesmum Deduct EOW for SD too.

@Anuta77 Shocking your 16yo is working and his adult children aren't. You've done a great job raising a responsible young man.

You could increase your input to join account by 12.5% and at the same time make sure everything comes out of the joint finances and pay for nothing for your husband or joint child from your personal one. Also ensure he pays nothing out of the joint finances to his children, so he will need to increase his input to cover EOW and the extra use of the car. Make that maths his issue.

He sounds like a total dick to your son though. You both might be happier without him.

Doesn't the situation really put you off him and have you considered separation?

So he has been in his life at least 8 years if you have a 7 year old and he still behaves like that?

I know he doesn't HAVE to pay for your son but surely morally he shouldn't resent it. Food and electric? Minimum wage for a 16 year old if barely anything, can't he just enjoy it. I don't disagree with charging 'rent' when they are working but for me I think that is once full time. Not when they are still a child!

I am a stepmother to a son that has no involvement with his mother and not only do I put 75% towards the household (main earner by quite a lot) I am the one who buys all his clothes, uniform, books his birthday trips, buys birthday presents ect. I wouldn't dream of trying to calculate 'his portion' once he was old enough. He doesn't have another mother, I am the only one he knows. I definitely wasn't in the financial position when I met my DH that I am now, more than 1/4 of what I am earning now but I still never expected my DH to pay more for him. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to marry a full time single father.

I once had a boyfriend who, after we had been to the supermarket, went through the receipt and itemised everything. But not fairly. So the fact that he would eat 3/4 of a dish we cooked together and shared wouldn’t get factored in for example. He was otherwise a genuinely lovely guy, but that alone gave me an ick I just couldn’t get over. This is so much worse. He is being really financially irrational and unfair, it sounds like he’s getting way more from you than your son costs him, but so much worse he’s treating your son, your lovely boy who is getting off his backside to earn some money which many of them don’t, like he’s some kind of vague acquaintance lodging with you. I can’t imagine how he makes you and your son feel. If you’ve voiced clearly to him how this is making you feel and he’s still doing it, honestly I would have to reconsider the relationship. And well done you for raising a teenager who goes out and works, rather than the entitled brats your other half seems to have raised - maybe that’s at the root of his attitude, he may feel your son is showing his offspring up and on some level resent him and you for it.

Is your son in full time education? Is he worried about money maybe? Why does he think your 16yo should pay? Just seems silly that all of a sudden he has started with this?

Why would you allow this to even be entertained?

I understand not paying for a child that isn't yours, but it sounds like you cover the bulk of his expenses yourself. It would be difficult if he was fully financially supporting your kid as I'd completely understand in that case. But that's not what this is. He sounds controlling and resentful and an awful stepfather!

He's a tightarse and no mistake! I'd handle it by saying your DS will start contributing to family finances when he starts full time work and that if DP wants more money he should expect his own adult DSs to be independent and stop paying maintenance for them. This isn't about your DS. DP's basically throwing your DS under the bus to avoid pissing off his XW, because he'd rather piss you off than her. Tell him to jog on.

I'd never let any man be so nasty to any of my DS's. At 16 with a little part time job he is still probably at school most of the time. I feel really sorry for this 16 year old with such a nasty stepdad. If you let your husband bully your child you'll lose him as soon as he's old enough to leave. Your husband will happily pay for a 24 year old but not food for a 16 year old. He sounds horrible tbh, mean spirited and petty. I'd play him at his own game. Stop buying your husband anything. Make him buy things for himself. Every time you buy your joint child anything charge your husband half. Tell your husband you want to drive the car half the time after all you paid half towards it. When you go on holiday pay for yourself your son and half towards your shared child and no more. If you get euros don't get any for your husband, he can get his own. I wouldn't be cooking for him either and certainly no sex. Your son needs you to stand up for him. You are his Mum forever.