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Original poster

DP wants my teenager to contribute for food

235 replies

Anuta77 · 19/01/2025 23:45

I have a 16 year old son who was abandonned by his father (no maintenance) et lives with me full time. He recently started working, a few hours Saturday and Sunday on minimum salary.
My DP has 2 adult children (18, 22 and 24) for whom he still pays maintenance. The 18 year old still visits us EOW.
We have a 7 year old together.

We have a common account where we contribute 50-50 and the common expenses come out from there, so my DP considers that he pays for my son because his contribution covers half of his food and electricity bills. I pay my son's other expenses from my personal account. I also pay some of our common child's expenses myself and sometimes pay for some of DP things, just because I'm the one who likes shopping. DP never shops for anything interesting for me, so I never get anything personal from him. I also invite us to restaurants occasionnally and contribute more if we go on vacation. That's sort of my contribution because my DP pays for my son. I also contributed to our common son's study account all by myself. DP says that he has no money to contribute because he pays for my teenager (doesn't matter that his 24 year old should have been financially independant by now, but he's taking his time travelling instead of finishing his diploma and still needs at least 2 years to get it and the 22 year old didn't even enter the uni for the same reasons).

I also agreed to buy an expensive electric car so that my DP could go pick up and/or visit his children in another town and he still uses it for work purposes and discounts expenses on it as a freelancer. I use it too, but only when he doesnt need it. We paid for this car 7 years 50-50.

I also can't imagine how we would calculate my son's portion of food and electricity. Not to mention my DP's daughter's, even if she comes less often, if my son would pay for his expenses, why should I pay for my SD? Just by principle. I think it would be super messy and ridiculous. And disgusting.

My DP always made somewhat more than me, but this year has been more difficult for him, however when I made less than him, I just managed.

Any advice on how to manage this situation?

OP posts:
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Fraaances · 20/01/2025 04:45

Time to point out what he would be paying for when you break up and he has to pay maintenance for the 7 year old and has no car and you are no longer buying all his extras.
Entitled fuckwit.

dappledeverglade · 20/01/2025 05:02

Your son is a child and seems to be a second class citizen in your dp’s eyes op. You are also being abused financially, it seems he is just about to do the same to your son. It allows him to bankroll his own adult children.

I would take a good long hard look at your relationship, because you and ds are being treated really badly.

MsPavlichenko · 20/01/2025 05:09

sykadelic · 20/01/2025 03:01

It is impossible to really break down expenses into fractions because by doing that you're assuming that those "shares" are equal, when they're not.

  • A grown man eats more than a 16 y/o boy
  • A grown man eats more than you (most likely)
  • Clothes are different sizes, different soil amount, take different amounts of time to dry (therefore electricity)

... basically you could break it down but it's so bloody obnoxious to consider that.

How are you supposed to apportion electricity and water and all of that to each person as by "person" doesn't work because of the disparity?

Him paying maintenance for his kids is also irrelevant because you guys don't fully combine income so what he (or you) do with the "excess" is up to each of you.

You could, in theory, split it more into a "share house" type agreement, at which point nothing would change because your son is a minor, and so is your daughter. The only change would be he'd need to buy his own bloody food and pay you back your share of the vehicle that you aren't getting an equal use of.

In reality it seems he's struggling a bit financially and has become a little bitter about "paying" for your son. He should have thought of that before moving in with someone with a child and having a child with someone.

He’s abusive ( regardless of presents ). Towards you and indirectly your DS. Face up to this.

orangegato · 20/01/2025 05:25

Well done OP subjecting your 16 YO to a petty selfish creep. Actions have consequences and it wouldn’t surprise me if he moved far away as soon as he is able from this ‘blended’ mess people inflict out of desperation for a relationship.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/01/2025 05:25

I would create a calculation that makes the food bill so minusculely different. Use yourself as eating what an average person eats ie 1 then calculate that in relation to the average.
eg
you = 1
your joint ds = 1/2
your ds = 1
your dp = 1.5
your dsd = 0.14
anyone else?

so you, your ds and your shared ds = 2.4 (53%)
him, your shared ds and his dd = 2.14 (47%)

Before I got any further, I’d have a think about who has packed lunch and who buys lunch out etc and adjust accordingly.

Then work out how much difference that is in a week. So by my calculation, on a £150 food shop you’d be paying £79.50 and him £70.50. A whopping £9 extra. On £100 a week, that’s £6!

Then in the interest of fairness, I would provide him with more figures. Ie all the extra costs that you stump up.

Then I’d separate from him. I also think that he perhaps sees your ds, now almost a man, as a threat as per @mathanxiety comment and is neutralising that threat.

MikeRafone · 20/01/2025 05:36

Well done on your day getting a job

your show is knee jerk reaction into defence mode as he is not wanting to contribute then.

he has a problem still contributing to another household for 3 off soring

so shifts the focus to your ds- it’s a total red herring

what you do about it - I don’t know

but you need a fair system to make sure he contributes rather than derails the process

MikeRafone · 20/01/2025 05:36

Show = dh

SharpOpalNewt · 20/01/2025 05:41

Poor DS. My response would be utter disbelief to that suggestion.

DreamTheMoors · 20/01/2025 05:45

Is DP darling partner or dear partner?

Whatever, but you should be calling this arsehole your EX-partner, as in “you’re not with him any longer since he tried to charge your 16-year-old kid for food.“

I cannot BELIEVE the shit women tolerate these days.

NotNowGertrude · 20/01/2025 05:45

Does he pay anything towards the costs of your shared child? Sounds like a mess

NC10125 · 20/01/2025 05:49

6 years ago you had his three children every other weekend, aged 18, 16 and 14 they were eating significantly more than your one 10 year old. Plus costing a lot more to clothe etc - even only every other weekend.

How much extra did he contribute for their costs?

Or is he only trying to move the goalposts now that he’s the one who is contributing more.

Can I also ask who contributes more in time? For example in the shared care of the 7 year old?

Semiramide · 20/01/2025 05:52

Why is your bar so low, @Anuta77

Starseeking · 20/01/2025 05:53

Sounds like classic DARVO when you asked him for more money.

It sounds like you are contributing far more than you should to the household through your purchase of treats and allowing him to use the car you both purchased for the majority of the time.

Your DP should be asking all his DC for contributions to the household before he ever dared asked for a 16 year old to pay their way.

Your DP has shown that sees your DS as a cuckoo in the nest, so for that reason alone, I'd be getting rid of him. Your DS WILL know this, despite however good a job you think your DP does in hiding this, or getting your DS birthday presents.

Choccyscofffy · 20/01/2025 05:54

Your son is a child, 16 is no age.

Please stop buying anything for DP or paying for meals out and holidays and start saving money for yourself.

Tell DP firmly that you won’t be paying a penny more than 50/50 because you’re paying for a car that he mainly uses. Tell him he has no business asking your child for money when he subsidises his own ADULT children.

Find your anger and be a fierce protector for your 16yo child.

NC10125 · 20/01/2025 05:54

One additional point to consider is who actually does the food shop and cooks?

If you do it all the easiest way to solve this might be to agree with him. You buy your food, ds food and 1/2 ds2 food and cook for yourselves. He buys his food and cooks for himself plus half the time for ds2 and always for his older kids.

Be interesting to see if he prefers that arrangement….

CloseYourRingStress · 20/01/2025 05:56

Sounds dreadful.

Good on your son for getting a pt job.

The car, the grown up children, etc., etc., are all irrelevant here. He’s a child earning a bit of pocket money. Stand up for him, every child deserves to be someone’s priority.

HoppingPavlova · 20/01/2025 06:01

My DP is not the stepfather of the century

Yeah, we all got that, didn’t need to be stated.

I just can’t understand how you could still find it workable after that. If, in the same situation, my DH said these things it would give me the ick so badly I wouldn’t want to see him in the same house let alone the same bed. We would need to seperate as I honestly don’t believe I could stand the sight of him on a day by day basis and there’s only so many things I could do outside the house to make it so I didn’t really see him, which would be the only way it could work.

colinthedogfromaccounts · 20/01/2025 06:03

Anuta77 · 19/01/2025 23:45

I have a 16 year old son who was abandonned by his father (no maintenance) et lives with me full time. He recently started working, a few hours Saturday and Sunday on minimum salary.
My DP has 2 adult children (18, 22 and 24) for whom he still pays maintenance. The 18 year old still visits us EOW.
We have a 7 year old together.

We have a common account where we contribute 50-50 and the common expenses come out from there, so my DP considers that he pays for my son because his contribution covers half of his food and electricity bills. I pay my son's other expenses from my personal account. I also pay some of our common child's expenses myself and sometimes pay for some of DP things, just because I'm the one who likes shopping. DP never shops for anything interesting for me, so I never get anything personal from him. I also invite us to restaurants occasionnally and contribute more if we go on vacation. That's sort of my contribution because my DP pays for my son. I also contributed to our common son's study account all by myself. DP says that he has no money to contribute because he pays for my teenager (doesn't matter that his 24 year old should have been financially independant by now, but he's taking his time travelling instead of finishing his diploma and still needs at least 2 years to get it and the 22 year old didn't even enter the uni for the same reasons).

I also agreed to buy an expensive electric car so that my DP could go pick up and/or visit his children in another town and he still uses it for work purposes and discounts expenses on it as a freelancer. I use it too, but only when he doesnt need it. We paid for this car 7 years 50-50.

I also can't imagine how we would calculate my son's portion of food and electricity. Not to mention my DP's daughter's, even if she comes less often, if my son would pay for his expenses, why should I pay for my SD? Just by principle. I think it would be super messy and ridiculous. And disgusting.

My DP always made somewhat more than me, but this year has been more difficult for him, however when I made less than him, I just managed.

Any advice on how to manage this situation?

Your partner is a tight git. A highly unattractive trait imo. Only you can decide on your tolerance for penny pinching.

Zanatdy · 20/01/2025 06:05

Wow. Absolutely not. This is not a full time job but small pocket money. I wouldn’t ask for any money from my DC until they were working full time. This is why I haven’t had another relationship since I split with father of DS2 and DD as he was similar with DS1. So i left him and I could never have another relationship whilst my DC are at home as these kind of comments / actions drive me mad.

IButtleSir · 20/01/2025 06:19

lunar1 · 19/01/2025 23:51

Getting rid of the cunt would do the job, and probably make your teenagers life a lot happier.

The utter insanity on here recently over what people are subjecting their children to for a blended family is mind blowing!

The utter insanity on here recently over what people are subjecting their children to for a blended family is mind blowing!

100%

Piccalow · 20/01/2025 06:23

Wibbley97 · 20/01/2025 00:35

I once had a boyfriend who, after we had been to the supermarket, went through the receipt and itemised everything. But not fairly. So the fact that he would eat 3/4 of a dish we cooked together and shared wouldn’t get factored in for example. He was otherwise a genuinely lovely guy, but that alone gave me an ick I just couldn’t get over. This is so much worse. He is being really financially irrational and unfair, it sounds like he’s getting way more from you than your son costs him, but so much worse he’s treating your son, your lovely boy who is getting off his backside to earn some money which many of them don’t, like he’s some kind of vague acquaintance lodging with you. I can’t imagine how he makes you and your son feel. If you’ve voiced clearly to him how this is making you feel and he’s still doing it, honestly I would have to reconsider the relationship. And well done you for raising a teenager who goes out and works, rather than the entitled brats your other half seems to have raised - maybe that’s at the root of his attitude, he may feel your son is showing his offspring up and on some level resent him and you for it.

OH MY GOODNESS I THINK we have the same ex. It escalated to horrendous abuse.

Woundupforchristmas · 20/01/2025 06:26

He's an arse hole OP. My partner supports my child like he's his own. He often pays for my child and as a result I know my child feels loved and accepted. I know this isn't the norm but I wouldn't be with a man that made it obvious to me and my child that he doesn't care for them.

We also have a child together and he treats the two of them no differently. There are wonder men out there. Your husband is not one of them.

Piccalow · 20/01/2025 06:27

In our blended family we have a joint account thst we pay into proportionate to income and individual accounts. DH has the most kids. So when his kids come to stay for the holidays he buys the food shopping for everyone from his individual account. This is because when they come they insist on much more expensive food than we normally eat and DH would rather buy them that than get into a fuss with them. He is also currently the higher earner. When I'm the higher earner we just take it all from the joint account.

Ladyj84 · 20/01/2025 06:30

I'm so very glad we chose a different way for our blended family. 15 year old son is not my hubby's but had been in his life as the only dad about since son was 4 and along came more siblings and never once has the oldest been treated any different to his siblings by my hubby either in action or words. Money Im so glad it's never been an issue. It went into a joint account from the day we married years ago, bill money transfers once a month to another and what's left is for either of us to use wether cars,holiday,children etc no debates or arguments about it. Unfortunately I had to stop working due to health complications after our last twins and still the money stayed the same all to share for all in the family, despite hubby having to up his work hours slightly. If hubby comes in with some suprise it's always for them all age appropriate. Oldest wants to start a paper round from March and we have always been clear for the first 6 months he can do what he wants with the money but after that a small token should be put aside in the bank to slowly build up

CatsWhiskerz · 20/01/2025 06:35

Honestly, I'd have laughed! He's being ridiculous- your son is doing a part time job, I assume around school ... that's his money for clothes or stuff he wants. It's a great way for building his work ethic, he doesn't need to be contributing on such a small sum. If he worked full time because he's decided to finish school then fair enough, that's the next step in life, more than his kids have managed!

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