DP wants my teenager to contribute for food

[Anuta77]

I have a 16 year old son who was abandonned by his father (no maintenance) et lives with me full time. He recently started working, a few hours Saturday and Sunday on minimum salary.
My DP has 2 adult children (18, 22 and 24) for whom he still pays maintenance. The 18 year old still visits us EOW.
We have a 7 year old together.

We have a common account where we contribute 50-50 and the common expenses come out from there, so my DP considers that he pays for my son because his contribution covers half of his food and electricity bills. I pay my son's other expenses from my personal account. I also pay some of our common child's expenses myself and sometimes pay for some of DP things, just because I'm the one who likes shopping. DP never shops for anything interesting for me, so I never get anything personal from him. I also invite us to restaurants occasionnally and contribute more if we go on vacation. That's sort of my contribution because my DP pays for my son. I also contributed to our common son's study account all by myself. DP says that he has no money to contribute because he pays for my teenager (doesn't matter that his 24 year old should have been financially independant by now, but he's taking his time travelling instead of finishing his diploma and still needs at least 2 years to get it and the 22 year old didn't even enter the uni for the same reasons).

I also agreed to buy an expensive electric car so that my DP could go pick up and/or visit his children in another town and he still uses it for work purposes and discounts expenses on it as a freelancer. I use it too, but only when he doesnt need it. We paid for this car 7 years 50-50.

I also can't imagine how we would calculate my son's portion of food and electricity. Not to mention my DP's daughter's, even if she comes less often, if my son would pay for his expenses, why should I pay for my SD? Just by principle. I think it would be super messy and ridiculous. And disgusting.

My DP always made somewhat more than me, but this year has been more difficult for him, however when I made less than him, I just managed.

Any advice on how to manage this situation?

100 percent Lunar!

What a Prince he is...

He can’t afford to still pay “child maintenance”for his adult DC.

He is taking the piss basically.

I would LTB.

Suggest he stop maintaining a 24 year old adult so he is able to cover the living expenses of his household - which includes your child.

Or preferably leave him. Your poor child to feel like a second class citizen in his own home at 16. Will he expect your daughter to be paying her way at 16?

How are you hiding your partners obvious contempt for your son, from your son?

Your DP should accept your DS as his own and not be petty about expecting a 16 yr old to contribute out of pin money earnings, whilst his daughter comes to stay and pays nothing and he still pays for adult children! I suppose he doesnt think about the impact that has on your household finances? Who does DSD’s washing/bedsheets when she comes? Perhaps if you do, you should be petty as well and include cost of housekeeping and cooking services!!! He is being utterly ridiculous.

To be honest, it sounds as though you are on totally different pages. It all sounds very "tit for tat" I.e I pay this but he pays that etc etc. I think if you are at this level of petty after years of living together, it's not going to get any better and I'd be ending things.

At 16 he's still a child and a weekend job is for pocket money.

Not much else to add but just to warn you that if your son goes to uni his student loan will be assessed on your partner’s income so you will be expected to top up his loan (depending on your household income this could be thousands per year).

Stop buying DP things for DP for a start! Then preferably get rid of him. I am sure your DPs feelings about him are clear to your son. Look after your kids as first priority.

This 💯

What a horrible man your partner is.
How can you bear it ?
Your poor son.

God your partner is unattractive.

What do you see in him?

Apart from getting laid?

Good to see you have your priorities in life right.

Manage it? Manage him out of the door. That shoud do it. Vile.

He's been your DP since your son was 9 and he wants to start taking money from a 16 year old child?

What redeeming features does this guy have?

Given that access to any student loans required is subject to household income can you see a man asking a 16yr old CHILD to pay for food off his Saturday job wage being decent about ensuring the family finances balance to support him then?

His attitude is disgusting and he will ensure your son knows of his contempt for him, a nice birthday gift won’t mask that.

Totally agree

This! He is repulsive

Get practical. He's given you the gift of a red alert. Start to separate your finances.

I'd leave.

How can you live like this?

How can you accept ‘not stepfather of the century’ for your son?

How can you deal with this utterly mean and selfish approach to finances?

This man is not worth it.

Reading this has really upset me for you and your son.
When you marry someone they should accept what you bring to the marriage and love what you love. Your husband is not doing that and I bet your son can sense that.
What a messy situation to be in with and awful tight man.
What initially attracted you to him? Was he like this from the start or was this gradual.

This is not normal behaviour. Maybe it is in some families but do you really want that ?
I think you do need to sit down and talk a about the bigger issue of him not loving your son.
You can't force love but he must have compassion and empathy. It seems there isn't anything there.

1)Sub a bit more for your son., but absolutely stop participating in any costs for his children, meals out, holidays,

2. Or,It seems you pay more for the car than you benefit. Do a Troc !
   His extra use of car v. your 16 yr old child's keep

3. Or, say his DC need to pay when they come

Basically ally he's a wanker

He sees your son as a cuckoo in the nest, resents contributing for his 16 yr old stepson and wants him to contribute part of his paltry weekend wages but is very happy for you to pay half for his adult children staying and a car that you barely use so he can pick up his adult kids. He’s happy to let you spend money on himself, put all the your contributions into a saving account for your shared son but nitpicking about the cuckoo child.
When you became a blended family you both assumed or agreed that all the children would be treated the same? He knew your son was solely your responsibility so he agreed to take him on? It doesn’t sound like he is contributing half for your shared son neither, everything is about his adult children and you were expected to pay half for the family car that he uses 75% of the time.
He’s needs to revalue his maintenance payments to his adult dc with his own contributions into your household so it’s fair and not resent the cuckoo child and you solely saving for shared son if he has money problems. You need to sit him down and tell him you won’t be asking a child to contribute into the household and will treat your son the same as he treats his Dc, if he thinks that’s unreasonable I would then show him revised difference % payments you both make into joint account including what he owes you on the car as you have only used it say 25% of the time including tax and insurance and petrol. You add on his % of savings he owes you from saving account on shared child and he pays for his own treats and % of food, bills when his adult child/ren stays. You don’t buy him anything from your own account and see how he feels when he finds himself out of pocket or you could tell him how petty and unfair he is, that you won’t stand for your own children to go without whilst he is funding his adult Dc lifestyle and expecting you to foot the shortfall. Thats not a healthy marriage it’s become a house share and decide with his reaction if that’s how you want to live the rest of your life.

Honestly? I would deal with this by separating from this man asap and putting in a claim for child support from him for your joint child. You have been financially abused and he’s now moving in on your son. And good on your son btw for going out and finding a job. He’s still only a kid and should be financially looked after not paying his share of bills, I assume he’s still in education. If I was your partner I’d be so embarrassed that none of my adult kids were employed and I was still paying maintenance for them.

Don't agree to it.

Insist that your son is your dependant and you will not charge rent, power or regular meals for your son until he is over 21 and full time earning.

Accept that son buys his own junk snacks and pays for his phone.

Stop paying for anything for your SC if they are over 21 and in full time work.