DP wants my teenager to contribute for food

[Anuta77]

I have a 16 year old son who was abandonned by his father (no maintenance) et lives with me full time. He recently started working, a few hours Saturday and Sunday on minimum salary.
My DP has 2 adult children (18, 22 and 24) for whom he still pays maintenance. The 18 year old still visits us EOW.
We have a 7 year old together.

We have a common account where we contribute 50-50 and the common expenses come out from there, so my DP considers that he pays for my son because his contribution covers half of his food and electricity bills. I pay my son's other expenses from my personal account. I also pay some of our common child's expenses myself and sometimes pay for some of DP things, just because I'm the one who likes shopping. DP never shops for anything interesting for me, so I never get anything personal from him. I also invite us to restaurants occasionnally and contribute more if we go on vacation. That's sort of my contribution because my DP pays for my son. I also contributed to our common son's study account all by myself. DP says that he has no money to contribute because he pays for my teenager (doesn't matter that his 24 year old should have been financially independant by now, but he's taking his time travelling instead of finishing his diploma and still needs at least 2 years to get it and the 22 year old didn't even enter the uni for the same reasons).

I also agreed to buy an expensive electric car so that my DP could go pick up and/or visit his children in another town and he still uses it for work purposes and discounts expenses on it as a freelancer. I use it too, but only when he doesnt need it. We paid for this car 7 years 50-50.

I also can't imagine how we would calculate my son's portion of food and electricity. Not to mention my DP's daughter's, even if she comes less often, if my son would pay for his expenses, why should I pay for my SD? Just by principle. I think it would be super messy and ridiculous. And disgusting.

My DP always made somewhat more than me, but this year has been more difficult for him, however when I made less than him, I just managed.

Any advice on how to manage this situation?

The utter insanity on here recently over what people are subjecting their children to for a blended family is mind blowing!

Exactly it’s depressing.

Ok, starting from the premises that you both contribute 50/50… I appreciate that he pays for his other kids but that comes from him remaining income, right?
A very basic calculation would be to take your total food cost and allocate less than a third to your son (because your 7 years old would eat less so you can’t really split the food cost in 4). Then calculate how often his daughter comes to visit and take that amount away from your son’s food cost. You’ll still be left with a small amount that you should pay for your son.
As for electricity, I’d say that you’d have the same costs for general lighting, fridge, tv etc whether your son was there or not, so the amount he uses is much less than 1/4 of the total bill.

If the calculation is purely mathematical then yes, you should pay a bit more than him. Stop buying him things from your own salary or, if you continue doing it, acknowledge that you’re doing that for yourself, because it makes you feel good to treat him

Oh OP and when the insurance renewal comes around, get online to transfer ownership of the car. Tell him it's your turn to have the car in your name, what with you owning 50% of it.

I'd have to totally disengage and stop buying him gifts too. I just couldn't put up with a tightarse like this and would probably split up when your oldest one was working full time.

He’s known him since he was 8. You cannot continue like this. Tell him you cannot tolerate his clearly distinguishing your child and as a man who still pays for his adult children to not have jobs, he must understand how a parent of an actual child feels so you can only assume he’s trying to get you to leave, and tell him you get the message it would have been a lot more mature of him to talk to you like an adult instead of trying to pick on your child to make you leave.

He obviously doesn't see your son as family. I would be very wary of this man pushing my son away. You have a lot to lose here. A 16yo parents should be providing their food for them this is not up for discussion it's your responsibility as their parent.
My mum was a single mum and we were so poor but she still did her best to feed me when I was 16 FFS.

So he's happy to still pay maintenance for his adult DC but refusing to contribute to his SS who is under 16.

Ment under 18 not 16.

The utter insanity on here recently over what people are subjecting their children to for a blended family is mind blowing!

This x1000. It makes me sick to my stomach. Have some fucking rock-bottom standards, women! Safeguard your offspring!

Nailed it. He's a cunt.

Let him know that if he wants to charge your ds you will be separating your finances, and that includes selling the car.

Big red flags here, OP.

Your "man" is trying to edge your son out of his home, drive a wedge between you and DS, and establish himself as the male in authority.

He's doing this out of jealousy and because he's a Neanderthal.

He's basically behaving like an animal.

Fight for your right to have your own son live in his own home with you on your terms. Do not give in to this twat.

He is unbelievably mean. Who takes money for food from a 16 year old's weekend wages? That's awful. Does he not like your son, poor lad?

Tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.
your son is still in education. It’s your job to support him. If he has a part-time job that is for his personal luxury spending or savings for when he transitions to adulthood.

It is impossible to really break down expenses into fractions because by doing that you're assuming that those "shares" are equal, when they're not.

• A grown man eats more than a 16 y/o boy
• A grown man eats more than you (most likely)
• Clothes are different sizes, different soil amount, take different amounts of time to dry (therefore electricity)

... basically you could break it down but it's so bloody obnoxious to consider that.

How are you supposed to apportion electricity and water and all of that to each person as by "person" doesn't work because of the disparity?

Him paying maintenance for his kids is also irrelevant because you guys don't fully combine income so what he (or you) do with the "excess" is up to each of you.

You could, in theory, split it more into a "share house" type agreement, at which point nothing would change because your son is a minor, and so is your daughter. The only change would be he'd need to buy his own bloody food and pay you back your share of the vehicle that you aren't getting an equal use of.

In reality it seems he's struggling a bit financially and has become a little bitter about "paying" for your son. He should have thought of that before moving in with someone with a child and having a child with someone.

Best way to manage this is LTB. To be stingy with your ds food! That is just horrible.

In your shoes, I would solve this with divorce.

It sounds like DH doesn't like your son and resents him. Assume the poor kid is still in school or at college during the week, hence the weekend work? If he is a child in education he shouldn't have to contribute to food or bills imo. If not in education and lays about on the sofa all week, then yes fair enough.

Honestly your dh sounds like a complete selfish tool and I'd be considering my future with him instead of considering re-jigging the finances to make him happy. But that's easy for a stranger on the Internet to say, innit?!

I have a blended family. The children come first always. I would have shut those types of comments right down. If I were you I would be planning for financial independence as this man doesn't want the best for you all. Good luck.

This man is trying to get rid of your son.

Thank you all for your replies.
To be fair, this was a private conversation, my son doesnt know any of it and I told him that it's my job to pay for his food and clothes until he's 18 (and of course, I will support him beyond that, but myself I did buy my own clothes when I started working at 16 because my mom was poor), so his money should be saved for his education/future.

My DP is not the stepfather of the century, but he treats my son well and gives him generous bday gifts. He says he loves him. I do think that it's normal that his priority are his own children. And supposedly, their mother does make them contribute for something.

This thing started when I mentionned that we need to put more money into the common account because we had a few bigger expenses (like the car repair) and that it would be nice if he contributed to our joint son's education account too, he had him at 47, so not sure how much he'll be able to help him in his 20s. Looks like his finances are not in the best place, so he freaked out.

I challenged him to tell me how much he would want the contribution to be (and that if I agree to this, it would come out of my pocket, not out of my son's). He wants me to tell him how much myself or to stop asking for more money...

Did that conversation not immediately give you "the ick"?

Honest op. Put your child first! Stop making excuses for this guy you have in your bed.

I don’t think you DS should pay more but maybe you pay 55% and he pays 45% BUT THEN you DONT

1. pay for some of DP things
2. Soley pay for your shared DC
3. Allow him use of the car, in fact sell it if you never use it
4. Pay for restaurants etc

So you are sorting paying more but not really I’m petty when men ( it’s always men ) are like this

Tell him not to be ridiculous and don’t discuss it again.

Your "D"P doesn't not see your DS as a member of his own family. He's willing to pay for his ADULT children but not the child who lives in his household?!

Unless there's some backstory like your DS has left education and refusing to do anything other than a few hours at a Saturday job (which in itself is not legal as he has to be in some form of education until he's 18) then there's no excuse for this.

It's not enough to be nice to your DS and buy him nice birthday presents - children need to feel secure, supported and loved by the parental figures in their lives (and if your DP and son live together than your DP is a de facto parental figure). Demanding he contributes to his own expenses when he's a kid and just earns from a weekend job, when his own adult child is being supported with no expectation to contribute for their own expenses, is sending your DS a message that he's a second class citizen in his own home.

He also sounds an absolute nightmare when it comes to money full stop and it sounds like you're paying over and above.