DP wants my teenager to contribute for food

[Anuta77]

I have a 16 year old son who was abandonned by his father (no maintenance) et lives with me full time. He recently started working, a few hours Saturday and Sunday on minimum salary.
My DP has 2 adult children (18, 22 and 24) for whom he still pays maintenance. The 18 year old still visits us EOW.
We have a 7 year old together.

We have a common account where we contribute 50-50 and the common expenses come out from there, so my DP considers that he pays for my son because his contribution covers half of his food and electricity bills. I pay my son's other expenses from my personal account. I also pay some of our common child's expenses myself and sometimes pay for some of DP things, just because I'm the one who likes shopping. DP never shops for anything interesting for me, so I never get anything personal from him. I also invite us to restaurants occasionnally and contribute more if we go on vacation. That's sort of my contribution because my DP pays for my son. I also contributed to our common son's study account all by myself. DP says that he has no money to contribute because he pays for my teenager (doesn't matter that his 24 year old should have been financially independant by now, but he's taking his time travelling instead of finishing his diploma and still needs at least 2 years to get it and the 22 year old didn't even enter the uni for the same reasons).

I also agreed to buy an expensive electric car so that my DP could go pick up and/or visit his children in another town and he still uses it for work purposes and discounts expenses on it as a freelancer. I use it too, but only when he doesnt need it. We paid for this car 7 years 50-50.

I also can't imagine how we would calculate my son's portion of food and electricity. Not to mention my DP's daughter's, even if she comes less often, if my son would pay for his expenses, why should I pay for my SD? Just by principle. I think it would be super messy and ridiculous. And disgusting.

My DP always made somewhat more than me, but this year has been more difficult for him, however when I made less than him, I just managed.

Any advice on how to manage this situation?

This is really sad and upsetting to read that other people are like this. When I was a teen my abusive parents demanded I bought my own shopping and contributed to the bills whilst I was a student (16&17 at college). I used to get £30 p/w from the government (some scheme they used to run) and 10 would go on bus so left me next to nothing for college supplies and clothes, food shopping. It was awful and there would be digs everyday about contributing to the household. I hate them, I moved out at 17 to the first guy that paid me attention and 20 years later, things are not working out so well. I would not have my children treated like this and I'd recommend you don't either.

Not that I’m saying he shouldn’t support his older children, but I would question any maintenance that says you have to pay for a 24yr old because they took their time at school and took time out to travel. That’s ridiculous.

Thinking about it my 23 year old daughter also took time out. She's now in her first year of uni and is classed as an independent student so her student finance isn't based on our income. (You have to have been self-supporting for 3 years)

Your partner is abusive to you and your son

Get out

Wow. Awful. Especially since the boy isn’t wanted by his father. Please stick up for him. Sounds like you’re the only one who cares, and only you out of the adults around him can give him the sense that he is just as worthy of receiving help and resources as anyone else.

I was a step child from age 4, and my lovely stepdad never complained about having to pay for me (I lived with him and my mom). I do recall my mother and nonresident father squabbling over child support money that he owed her. The message I took away from those comments my mother made to me as a teen was, your dad doesn’t want to pay for you, and I resent paying any more for you than absolutely I have to. I’m in my 50s now, and I absolutely hate relying on anyone, even my spouse. In my mind, I’m still just something that no one wants to pay for.

OP don’t let your son be treated this way. There’s still time to prevent his self-esteem from being trampled and send him into adulthood with some sense that he’s not second class.

He's an absolute cunt and clearly resents your son. Well done to your son for getting a job.

He wants you to make up the rest to pay for the joint account, I wouldn’t and stop buying him anything from your own account. He has issues about your son!

I feel quite sick for your DS. You will drive him away.

I do wonder if your DH is actually paying for his DC. He might just be saving money.

This

I've already told my children that when they are still in full education, any P/T job they get, the money is theirs. If they leave education & earn a full wage, while living at home, then they pay x amount. We've all agreed on this. My eldest daughter (nearly 15) is currently looking for a volunteer role in the job she wants to do. I've told her I would pay for any extras she may need, to me the effort of her doing this is worth more. I totally understand families that cannot afford to do this as I had to give up on a college course that could have given me is different life but as child of 1 parent, my mam was struggling so I got a full time job.

This. Tell him you’ll ask your son to contribute when he stops paying for his adult kids.

@Anuta77

this is simple

if at full time school no.
if I full time work yea

and you can always decide to pay for them

If it doesn’t feel fair to you then most probably it isn’t , stick by your child if his kids don’t contribute then yours shouldn’t either tell him to man up .

How is he paying for your son, but you aren’t paying for his daughter when she comes around under the same system?

Your son is 16. He’s still a kid. How can you be with a man who clearly thinks your son is a burden?

I think your DP is playing you…

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service/when-child-maintenance-stops

Your son has done well getting a weekend job at 16, no way should he be contributing perhaps save a little money for later on, your DP is totally unreasonable to expect him to contribute while supporting his adult children. Have they got a job ? If times are hard he should stop paying maintenance for a 22 and 24 years old, double standards here.
Next he will want your son to move out at 18, watch out.

Tell him to fuck off.

This seems to be sound advice.

Tell the financially abusive bastard to fuck off, cut him out and claim for maintenance for your 7 yr old.. Your teenage lad should be left alone by this nasty gobshite.

Bloody hell you’re a family seems a bit nit picky to be honest - makes it sound like you both resent each others children that aren’t yours - just embrace the fact you both have kids that all need support

although to be 24 yo needs to self support - I say that have had similar debate about my 24 yo stepdaughter because I think it’s enables them to not get on with starting their life and standing on own two feet.

Just to clarify, is the 16 year old also I full time education because then this would put it in a whone new perspective? If he is then the boyfriend needs to button up, however, if he isn't then he needs to contribute and find full time work.

I curious to know why these finer details were not known before you moved in together tbh as I would have had all of it sorted before hand.

Also if what you are saying is true then it sounds to me that the boyfriend needs to maybe contribute more rather than you having to do most of it.

Good luck

He is in full time education and basically has a little weekend job. Since they have a 7-year-old together, they will have been together since the boy was in primary school, so it’s understandable they wouldn’t have discussed this stage at that point.

Another lion type step father, and you know what good step fathers they make

There doesn't sound like any 'togetherness' in how you're living, I pick up a lot of resentment from both sides which is understandable.

Why haven't his eldest 2 got student loans and jobs or maybe they have. It doesn't sound like a happy ship.

I am very sad that your relationship flaws are being exposed through money issues, but reading this post shows there’s a general lack of generosity in the relationship, fuelled by a feeling that there isn’t enough to go around.

I can see that you are both conflicted because of your allegiance to your various children, but I can also see that there is a lack of real empathy and open discussion about the financial burdens you face.

i would ask for a family meeting, that includes the 16 year old and the older kids. A family problem like this requires a whole family solution in which everyone sees their role and responsibilities.

Giving your kids a chance to see the reality will make visible what is currently invisible, and give them a chance to think through their choices in life. I wish my parents had done this.

if you are discussing the issue of paying rent, or paying for things offered within the family, then I suggest you listen to episode 63: Charging Rent, of the podcast Parenting Teenagers Untangled. You can get a better understanding of how others feel about this topic, and the way families view it around the world.

This is so moving. I am so sorry you were made to feel that way.