Page 6 | DP wants my teenager to contribute for food

Anuta77 · 2025-01-19T23:45:59+00:00

I have a 16 year old son who was abandonned by his father (no maintenance) et lives with me full time. He recently started working, a few hours Saturday and Sunday on minimum salary. My DP has 2 adult children (18, 22 and 24) for whom he still pays maintenance. The 18 year old still visits us EOW. We have a 7 year old together. We have a common account where we contribute 50-50 and the common expenses come out from there, so my DP considers that he pays for my son because his contribution covers half of his food and electricity bills. I pay my son's other expenses from my personal account. I also pay some of our common child's expenses myself and sometimes pay for some of DP things, just because I'm the one who likes shopping. DP never shops for anything interesting for me, so I never get anything personal from him. I also invite us to restaurants occasionnally and contribute more if we go on vacation. That's sort of my contribution because my DP `pays for my son`. I also contributed to our common son's study account all by myself. DP says that he has no money to contribute because he pays for my teenager (doesn't matter that his 24 year old should have been financially independant by now, but he's taking his time travelling instead of finishing his diploma and still needs at least 2 years to get it and the 22 year old didn't even enter the uni for the same reasons). I also agreed to buy an expensive electric car so that my DP could go pick up and/or visit his children in another town and he still uses it for work purposes and discounts expenses on it as a freelancer. I use it too, but only when he doesnt need it. We paid for this car 7 years 50-50. I also can't imagine how we would calculate my son's portion of food and electricity. Not to mention my DP's daughter's, even if she comes less often, if my son would pay for his expenses, why should I pay for my SD? Just by principle. I think it would be super messy and ridiculous. And disgusting. My DP always made somewhat more than me, but this year has been more difficult for him, however when I made less than him, I just managed. Any advice on how to manage this situation?

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SpryCat · 20/01/2025 09:01

Even the Christmas expenses would have to be tallied, he would pay for his adult dc presents from his personal account, contribute half on your shared son and you pay for your son presents yourself. I bet when you work it all out applying his pettiness to the finances you will find you’re better off.

Penguinsmum · 20/01/2025 09:04

You and your son deserve a lot better than this. Put your son first.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 20/01/2025 09:07

Your partner is a twat.

user1471538283 · 20/01/2025 09:12

No I wouldn't have that. My two (and one is a DSD) always had little jobs for extras but it wasn't about them buying their own food. Your DS is still a child. What lesson is this teaching him? Work and buy your own food as a child or don't work and don't buy it? His SS are still supported and they are adults!

It's mean minded and othering. Your DS is less than to your DH and he's jealous of him.

No one would other my DCs.

I don't even treat my two's friends like this.

You could either insist that you each pay for your own expenses and half for the joint child or tell him to go and he can pay maintenance etc for the joint child.

If you stay you do not contribute or buy anything for him or his DC apart from half the joint child.

To begrudge a child food and utilities is beyond low.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 20/01/2025 09:18

I think it’s mean taking from a child who’s augmenting his pocket money while still at school. I think your husband is jealous — your ds is off his arse doing something for himself while his kids still rely on the bank of dad ( at 24???)
I agree with separating the finances, stop buying anything for him and his daughter. Once he has to buy her meals and toiletries, launder her bed linen etc he’ll see what an easy life he’s throwing away.
Petty and mean.

dynamiccactus · 20/01/2025 09:24

Lovelysummerdays · 19/01/2025 23:52

Possibly an unpopular view but when I was young if you earnt you contributed to the household. General rule was 30% digs, 30% savings and 40% spending. In reality my parents were still covering the vast majority of my expenses . If you can I’d save the money for him, possibly by not overpaying for holidays given he contributes!

I agree if it's a full time summer job but weekend jobs just pay pocket money and the OP's son is in full time education.

Why is the OP's partner paying maintenance for 22 and 24 year olds?

HT2025 · 20/01/2025 09:26

He pays maintenance for a 22 year old and a 24 year old??? Why?

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2025 09:31

Anuta77 · 20/01/2025 04:13

Thank you all for your replies.
To be fair, this was a private conversation, my son doesnt know any of it and I told him that it's my job to pay for his food and clothes until he's 18 (and of course, I will support him beyond that, but myself I did buy my own clothes when I started working at 16 because my mom was poor), so his money should be saved for his education/future.

My DP is not the stepfather of the century, but he treats my son well and gives him generous bday gifts. He says he loves him. I do think that it's normal that his priority are his own children. And supposedly, their mother does make them contribute for something.

This thing started when I mentionned that we need to put more money into the common account because we had a few bigger expenses (like the car repair) and that it would be nice if he contributed to our joint son's education account too, he had him at 47, so not sure how much he'll be able to help him in his 20s. Looks like his finances are not in the best place, so he freaked out.

I challenged him to tell me how much he would want the contribution to be (and that if I agree to this, it would come out of my pocket, not out of my son's). He wants me to tell him how much myself or to stop asking for more money...

You're not listening...

SpryCat · 20/01/2025 09:32

Also are you saving money for your older son incase he wants to go uni? What happens if your H’s adult children want to learn to drive? Will they be expected to get a weekend job to pay for lessons and save for a car? Or will your H pay? What is expected for one parent to pay for in a blended family should also apply that you do the same for your son too. You can’t treat some offspring’s differently in a blended family.

jannier · 20/01/2025 09:41

Lovelysummerdays · 19/01/2025 23:52

Possibly an unpopular view but when I was young if you earnt you contributed to the household. General rule was 30% digs, 30% savings and 40% spending. In reality my parents were still covering the vast majority of my expenses . If you can I’d save the money for him, possibly by not overpaying for holidays given he contributes!

So you paid rent when at school doing a weekend pocket money job?

justasking111 · 20/01/2025 09:42

My DP has 2 adult children (18, 22 and 24) for whom he still pays maintenance. The 18 year old still visits us EOW

We have a 7 year old together. .......... honestly OP your husband is being bled dry by his first family. Who pays maintenance on a 22 and 24 year old. I'd be panicking.

MrsDefrost · 20/01/2025 09:45

Anuta77 · 20/01/2025 04:13

Thank you all for your replies.
To be fair, this was a private conversation, my son doesnt know any of it and I told him that it's my job to pay for his food and clothes until he's 18 (and of course, I will support him beyond that, but myself I did buy my own clothes when I started working at 16 because my mom was poor), so his money should be saved for his education/future.

My DP is not the stepfather of the century, but he treats my son well and gives him generous bday gifts. He says he loves him. I do think that it's normal that his priority are his own children. And supposedly, their mother does make them contribute for something.

This thing started when I mentionned that we need to put more money into the common account because we had a few bigger expenses (like the car repair) and that it would be nice if he contributed to our joint son's education account too, he had him at 47, so not sure how much he'll be able to help him in his 20s. Looks like his finances are not in the best place, so he freaked out.

I challenged him to tell me how much he would want the contribution to be (and that if I agree to this, it would come out of my pocket, not out of my son's). He wants me to tell him how much myself or to stop asking for more money...

It's really interesting to read both of your posts. He's not even fully supporting his own young son with you. What a prince among men. Do you really want to carry on with him?

Twaddlepip · 20/01/2025 09:46

Oh you’re being so abused financially 😞

treesocks23 · 20/01/2025 09:49

I haven’t got experience of the step parent relationship with this, but just a quick note on my thoughts with the rest of it.

When my DS got a part time job at 16, he was doing around 2-3 shifts per week at more than minimum wage so he had a good amount of disposable income that grew as he did more shifts and enjoyed having money in his account! That’s the other part, you want him to feel encouraged to work and feel some of the benefits.

DS and I fell in to a system that worked really at this point that seemed fair to us.

We stopped his pocket money but paid his phone contract.
I gave money for college bus and lunch food etc
I bought all basic ish clothes and toiletries but if he wanted expensive trainers etc or an ‘upgraded’ version then that would be on him .e.g. there was a big difference between a budget for a decent winter coat he needed and the one he ‘wanted’ so we gave him the money we would have spent on a general one and he topped it up.
All of his social trips, cinema etc was self funded and he started to pay for his own cheap gym membership.
I encouraged him to save a chunk for a bigger thing in the future such as a new games console or a concert he really wanted to see. He also saved to buy his own birthday and Christmas presents for family and when it came to driving, we paid for lessons and he paid for his theory and driving tests.

essentially we worked a balance, because they are bringing in extra funds but it should be the start of showing them independence and how they can manage it and thinking of other responsibilities but also ‘wants’.

then once they are 18 if they get a full time job and aren’t continuing education, then yes, I think that is the point to contribute but not at 16.

KarminaBurana · 20/01/2025 09:51

HT2025 · 20/01/2025 09:26

He pays maintenance for a 22 year old and a 24 year old??? Why?

....and yet wants a 16 year old to contribute from his pt job; what a prince

4forksache · 20/01/2025 09:54

His bigger portion of the car repairs which started this conversation, will more than compensate for the food for a while.

He’s being petty. You point out the extras that you pay for will stop if he continues trying to be petty.

beAsensible1 · 20/01/2025 09:56

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 20/01/2025 04:31

I don’t think you DS should pay more but maybe you pay 55% and he pays 45% BUT THEN you DONT

pay for some of DP things
Soley pay for your shared DC
Allow him use of the car, in fact sell it if you never use it
Pay for restaurants etc

So you are sorting paying more but not really I’m petty when men ( it’s always men ) are like this

This. It’s fine if you pay more for your son on joint bills and food. But everything else has to stop. He needs to buy you out of the car and you can get a run around. If needed.

you start being as strict as he is. He has been taking the piss financially and using your son as an excuse in very nasty way.

the odd present buying doesn’t negate the fact ay he’s talking about your son

Hotflushesandchilblains · 20/01/2025 09:56

I am usually a fan of sons and daughters living at home contributing, but this is crazy! He is 16. I think your DP is being massively unreasonable here, and would seriously want to chat to your DP about his attitude to finances.

RisingSunn · 20/01/2025 10:05

Your 16 year old is still a dependant. Your partner’s attitude toward him is disgusting.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be subjecting my children to this kind of set-up. You should be free to support your children how and when you want to.

Comefromaway · 20/01/2025 10:05

Do have a look at the table half way down this page. You and your partner will be expected (though not forced) to make your son's future student finance up to the maximum amount (currently £10,227 for someone living away from home outside London)

https://www.savethestudent.org/student-finance/maintenance-loans.html

Comefromaway · 20/01/2025 10:07

treesocks23 · 20/01/2025 09:49

I haven’t got experience of the step parent relationship with this, but just a quick note on my thoughts with the rest of it.

When my DS got a part time job at 16, he was doing around 2-3 shifts per week at more than minimum wage so he had a good amount of disposable income that grew as he did more shifts and enjoyed having money in his account! That’s the other part, you want him to feel encouraged to work and feel some of the benefits.

DS and I fell in to a system that worked really at this point that seemed fair to us.

We stopped his pocket money but paid his phone contract.
I gave money for college bus and lunch food etc
I bought all basic ish clothes and toiletries but if he wanted expensive trainers etc or an ‘upgraded’ version then that would be on him .e.g. there was a big difference between a budget for a decent winter coat he needed and the one he ‘wanted’ so we gave him the money we would have spent on a general one and he topped it up.
All of his social trips, cinema etc was self funded and he started to pay for his own cheap gym membership.
I encouraged him to save a chunk for a bigger thing in the future such as a new games console or a concert he really wanted to see. He also saved to buy his own birthday and Christmas presents for family and when it came to driving, we paid for lessons and he paid for his theory and driving tests.

essentially we worked a balance, because they are bringing in extra funds but it should be the start of showing them independence and how they can manage it and thinking of other responsibilities but also ‘wants’.

then once they are 18 if they get a full time job and aren’t continuing education, then yes, I think that is the point to contribute but not at 16.

That's pretty much exactly what we did. Paid their phones/transport to college and provided uniform/college clothes but for example dd had to use her pocket money/earnings to buy fancy toiletries and clothes that were wants, not needs and ds had to use his to go to Mcdonalds at lunchtime instead of taking a packed lunch/college meal deal.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 20/01/2025 10:21

"Husband, if you're struggling with your finances then you need to stop financially supporting your adult children instead of expecting a child to subsidise you"

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/01/2025 10:29

Lovelysummerdays · 19/01/2025 23:52

Possibly an unpopular view but when I was young if you earnt you contributed to the household. General rule was 30% digs, 30% savings and 40% spending. In reality my parents were still covering the vast majority of my expenses . If you can I’d save the money for him, possibly by not overpaying for holidays given he contributes!

This

Nobody's suggesting you fleece tthe lad, but a small contribution - to be increased as his earnings do - is only sensible and prepares him for the future

RadFs · 20/01/2025 10:34

Wibbley97 · 20/01/2025 00:35

I once had a boyfriend who, after we had been to the supermarket, went through the receipt and itemised everything. But not fairly. So the fact that he would eat 3/4 of a dish we cooked together and shared wouldn’t get factored in for example. He was otherwise a genuinely lovely guy, but that alone gave me an ick I just couldn’t get over. This is so much worse. He is being really financially irrational and unfair, it sounds like he’s getting way more from you than your son costs him, but so much worse he’s treating your son, your lovely boy who is getting off his backside to earn some money which many of them don’t, like he’s some kind of vague acquaintance lodging with you. I can’t imagine how he makes you and your son feel. If you’ve voiced clearly to him how this is making you feel and he’s still doing it, honestly I would have to reconsider the relationship. And well done you for raising a teenager who goes out and works, rather than the entitled brats your other half seems to have raised - maybe that’s at the root of his attitude, he may feel your son is showing his offspring up and on some level resent him and you for it.

This sound so similar to the woman that posted about her boyfriend hiding the butter and go through the reciepts. She did leave him in the end. I wonder what happens to her

lateatwork · 20/01/2025 10:40

The 16yo is dependent - but what OPs partner is saying is that if he is earning, he should pay.

I think this is an opportunity to have a total relook at your joint finances. Seems this will be just the tip of probably a lot of resentment between you about how things should work.

One of the things to consider is what happens when 16yo reaches university/ further education. What happens with 7 yo joint and 18 ss at same point.

He has set the precedent by him paying solely for his older children, so I'm guessing he is looking for the point at which he isn't financially responsible for 16yo.

Family home- rented or owned? Shared? Because I'm guessing if 16yo is 'taking up a room' then he is going to expect some sort of recompense for that on the future too.